You DONT Own Me

Its been a long time since Ive written anything to post. Though countless times Ive written up posts in my head, just never had the time to get to the computer and share. So much has happened over the past few months. Once my divorce was official I really thought things would change for the better. I had hoped that those official documents would bring both peace to me, but to Him as well. I had hoped he would move on and place his focus elsewhere. But instead, he became more rude, more irritable and argumentative. I still save all the texts he sends, I try to never communicate with him except by texts, and I never want to speak to him unless its regarding the children. My poor sweet children who are mixed up in this crazy world. Who suffer because of their parents poor decisions.



We have been battling a head lice problem for two months now. They came home from their dads with it, I tackle this full force everyday they are with me, washing bedding constantly, cleaning the house like its the only way to survive and treating their hair with everything possible. By the time they go back to their dads you can not find a single egg or lice in their hair. By the time they come home their hair is crawling with it, where you can see them from a few feet away. I have tried multiple times to talk to him about how he needs to treat at his home and everyone in his home. He denies any wrong doing, claiming the kids have no lice at all. Its a battle. Everything is a battle with him. He constantly tells the children rude things about me- lies. He also encourages the kids to say mean things about my boyfriend. And when the kids are with him and they me or my BF he will yell at them for waving or saying hi. He truly does not care about the damage he does to them. It hurts so much.



All the kids are still in counseling. My oldest needs it the most since she is the most effected by her father. She believes everything he says and he truly enjoys manipulating her. But she is dead set on protecting her dad. Counseling has been useless because she refuses to say anything about her dad, about what he does. And Im sad to say her and my relationship has been so rocky and I don't know how to fix it. Her dad tells her his made up stories, justifying everything he does. Telling her how I ruined our family, how he is Gods gift to mankind and how Im the devil incarnate. So when she comes home and questions me, wants to know my "side" of the story she isn't given one. I tell her I love her, that she is too young to know about everything that happened, that he is her father and I wont say something bad about him to her. So she says, "Dad told me the truth. You wont tell me because your a liar." It breaks my heart. I wont lie. I wish I could just grab her and tell her, Your dad is a liar, he is a manipulator, he steals peoples identity's, is being investigated for multiple frauds, he has endangered countless lives, he abused me badly for years and he is just a piece of shit. But I don't. I wont be him and damage her love for a parent.



Something pretty big is happening. I know many people may be against it. Citing timing as one of the main reasons. But its happened and I am happy. I spoke with my drs and we decided to have a child. I wanted at least one more child and now was my last shot at it. Im not getting any younger and my body wont last forever. So we are taking it careful and enjoying every moment of it. My baby is healthy and so am I. All of us, including the children and my family are excited. But ever since the kids mentioned it to their father he has been enraged. He has stepped up his antics. Stalking around our house all the time. Screaming obscenities at us when he sees us. Going back to his threatening/intimidating behavior. The police have been involved a couple of times so far. Once by him, lying and saying we were attacking him. The second time when I photographed what he was doing on/by my property. The cops laid into him for it I suppose, because since then I haven't seen him stalking around the property anymore - unless he is doing it at night when we are sleeping, or when Im not home. But many people are worried about what he is going to do next. Everyone that has met him knows how mentally unstable he is. They truly worry he will physically hurt us or the children. And for how Im doing during this- well its brought back memories. Especially when he stood outside my home the other day screaming that he owned me, that Im his fucking wife, this is his fucking house and his fucking cars and so on. Im NOT his. He never paid a penny towards this house, and my cars are new , purchased long after we ended. He is psychotic.

Legally lawfully happily divorced

So I've been official divorced for awhile now.
Yes it's only a piece of paper but it makes a world of difference. When it arrived in the mail I stares at it then I called the court house and spoke to a clerk. I asked them to confirm it was indeed a divorce. She congratulated me and told me celebrate. Apparently everyone knows my ex and agrees he should do the world a favor and not be in anyone's lives in any form.

I've been happily legally changing my name and removing what was left of the stain he had left on me. My children are thriving when with me. But it's another story he. They are at their dads. Homework is usually failing grades, half the time he won't send them to school, they come home sick/misbehaving/ and more. It kills me that nothing can be done. I've been offered money to go back to court and terminate his rights/visitation. But I'm struggling with how to best do this. It's a fine line to walk when it comes to my kids. He is their biological father and they love him. But they also would be 100% better off to not have a psychotic bipolar compulsive lying abusive deadbeat on their lives.

As for me I am doing well. Happy and in love. Living and growing. Dreaming and building a new life. It's pretty damn good feeling to be free of an abusive marriage.

Given only to be taken away

I had something wonderful happen. A true miracle. I was waiting to shout about it. I was making plans and getting ready to prepare for this beautiful amazing miraculous omg event. But then tragedy struck. And when I found out, I found myself crying in the shower. I found myself staring into space. I found myself in a trancelike state and it wasnt a good place for me.

But I'm a mom and I had to drag myself up and put on a smile and pretend that all was right in my world. I did fun things with the kids and I kept tellin the one person who knew what was really going on - that I was "fine". I'm ok." But I'm not. I'm devastated by what I learned. And honestly I truly am afraid of how they really feel about it too. They say its ok. They say all the right things which should be great. But I still have that scared insecure person inside of me somewhere and that person is hiding in the corner with her eyes peekin out from behind her hair. Tears leaking and quiet sniffles and gasps escaping as I try to hold it in and hide it all. That girl who knew that everything she was told was a lie and to expect the worst any moment. I just tried to shove that girl back into that hidden place inside of me. I am strong. Right? I have to be. I will survive what I just learned. He said we can make it through this. But a part of me worries that I can't fully survive what happened. Something special that was mine was taken away. Something I can't get back.

Life is Beautiful

Things are wonderful. Life is great. My children are amazing. My love is strong and real. And the choice I decided to make is possibly happening. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

He signed

He signed the divorce papers. It was a battle to get him to this point. We sat down a couple weeks ago and he state his terms- wanting me to sign a paper stating I can never say anything that could in anyway be viewed negatively for him. Even if it was the truth. He also wanted me to give him my tax return. I laughed deep inside as I watched his face go from disbelief to anger when he was told because I have placement of the children that makes it so I am the only one entitled to claiming them. He was enraged to lean that legally he can't leach off of me anyone. And his anger intensified when he looked at me and realized that he couldn't beat me into submission or bully me into doing as he demands. He claimed he didn't want a divorce, that he wanted to be with me. That he had never did anything wrong and all the blame was on me. Whatever. I know the truth. And people are finally learning the truth about him.

I refused to sign his bs paper- statin my lawyer would need to review it. A week later we went back and he said nothing. Signed the divorce and left. A collective sigh file the room after the door shut behind him. We couldn't believe he didn't start trouble. Now all I have to do is wait for the judge to sign it and I receive the papers in the mail making it official. I'm so happy.

I'm happy for many other reasons besides being legally free from the monster who sadistically abused me for years. I'm doing good in life. Getting on track besides the continuees bumps along the way. I have an amazing man in my life who I love and who loves me. Life can be very short so you need to do what makes you happy, what you want. And even if the ones who care for you don't agree with it, go ahead and do it. It's your life. You only get one. So despite the timing I have decided to go ahead and do something many may view as not smart. But it's what I want. I won't say what it is yet. Unveiling that will have it's own time and place. I will know when the time is right. But just know its what I want. Even with the opposition I will face I am ready and willing to struggle thru it. My heart wants it badly and my mind has weighed in and I'm doing it.

I am Happy.

Finally, possibly,

Tonight I'm supposed to sit in a room with him. If he shows up and agrees we can finally sign papers for a divorce. Honestly I am terrified. Not of finally getting what I so desperately want. But of having to be in the same room as him. Him being so close. He has been threatening me again lately. Saying off the wall crazy junk and intimidating me in any way he can. I want the divorce. I want this one extra step of freedom away from him. I wish I could have him 100% out of my life and my kids lives. It sickens me that he is still able to abuse me. It's not physical anymore- though I truly believe if he had the chance he would, it's only emotionally/mentally now.
Why won't he stop? Why won't this end.

Once I had a restraining order against him. And when he found out he became so angry so dangerous I knew that he was gonna kill me and there was nothing I could do to stop him. He gave me two choices. Take the order off and live or he would get me and make me wish I had never been born. And the sad thing is he was telling me the truth. That piece of paper wasnt gonna stop him- what was I gonna do- try to give him a paper it with it, crumple it into a ball and throw it at him as I try to run away?! I looked into his eyes and took the only option I could that would t result in my immediate death or near death. I took off the order. I wish I had an order so I could at least call the cops every time he stalks me. I'm tired of him always appearing whenever I go somewhere. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid that this game he is playing is gonna cause me to have a break down.
I just want to escape from him

The first time he hit me

Last night I had a nightmare. I was reliving first time he really hurt me. I was sitting at the computer, my heart on the ground, my stomach revolting as I read the emails between him and another woman. Here I was pregnant with his child, the child he demanded we try for. And the real reason he wanted a 2nd chd? To try and force me to stay, give him more leverage over me. Well there I was pregnant and reading the shocking things they had said to each other. When suddenly he walks into the room and screams at me, grabs me and slams me thru the chair and onto the ground. He kicked me and is yelling and slamming stuff. I curled into a ball to try and protect my unborn baby. He pulls me up and slams me against a wall, rips his wedding ring off an throws it across the room. He slams me repeatedly against the wall while yelling in my face. Then tosses me into the room and demands I find his run or he will kill me. The entire time I am crying, terrified he is going to kill my baby and me. Terrified he is going to kill our daughter who is strapped into her car seat listening to the brutality her father is creating.

Eventually he calmed down. But he wouldn't let me talk to anyone or see anyone for a few days. I had to pretend to forgive him. I had to apologize for upsetting him. Then he finally let me use the car and the first thing I did was go to the sheriffs. I made a complaint but then I became terrified of what would happen next. The officer practically begged me to file charges so they could arrest him. But I was scared and didn't do it. The report is there on file. A reference point to the first time he became physical enough to leave bruises and cause me to limp painfully to the sheriffs. I should have let them help me. But I didn't want to be known as a victim. But it was to late for that.

I woke from this nightmare and layed awake for hours. So upset that I had ever became involved with such a cruel madman. So upset that he is in mine and the children's lives. I do not love him. I do not care for him at all. I hate him. I know for a fact that I never truly loved him. I cared for him once upon a time but it wasn't love. I know what love feels like now.