I spent nearly a decade with one man. I married him. I gave him everything. He gave me pain. Despite finding what kind of person he was, I stayed and tried to make things work. I fought for our marriage. Changing myself to be who I thought he wanted. It took me a few years to realize there was nothing I could do to please him. I tried to leave but he wouldnt let me go. After nearly three years I realized how I was stuck, if I tried to leave he would hurt me. He would do whatever he had to do, to keep what was his. I wasnt a person to him. I became a possession. I spent years being told how I was nothing. Taking all types of abuse. Hiding the bruises, lying and pretending everything was ok. He told me the only way Id get out was through death. I believed him.
Finally I could take no more. A night of accusations, his denial, my proof, holes in the wall and my body held down. I finally decided no more. I had to try. The hours crept by and finally I made my way to a court house. Filed, did what I thought I could do to keep myself safe. Nothing could keep me safe though. I spent years being talked about, by people who hated my husband. They came up with awful lies, since I was connected to him, they targeted me as well. When all along, I was the biggest victim, but I stupidly allowed myself to become that victim. I could have tried to escape all those years ago when I first told him I wanted a divorce. Instead I let his threats, his fists, keep me there. I dont know if Im stronger now then I was back then. I think Im just broken. So broken inside that I decided what the heck. What can be done to me now? Death? At that point it almost was welcomed. He had given me so much pain that I cant even feel my heart. I have nothing left. Except for one thing. My children. I live for them. My sole reason for pushing onward. For breathing. I struggle and fight for our survival. I will do whatever I have to for them.
Today I broke down and realized I needed to write. I had to begin to pour this out, purge it from my soul. Its just the beginning. Everyday I have to be careful. Never knowing when he will show up and snap. Living with the fear of the pain he can bring down on me, both physically (Ive dealt with that) but emotionally- I just cant handle that anymore. I want to feel something again. Feel more then just the love I have for my children and the undying devotion I have for them. I want to feel joy in other things as well. I dont want to flinch when someone walks by. Work up the courage to look into a persons eyes and not see hatred towards me. I want to be ok again.
You are strong. You are worthy. You are loveable. You can love. YOU ARE WORTHY!
ReplyDeleteDon't ever forget that.
Take your time. Be kind to yourself.
You are worthy!
Take it one day at a time. Learn all the ways you can protect yourself and prepare yourself the best you can.
You are worthy!
Do the best you can not to give him any ammunition legally! Don't put anything in writing that he can use against you and your kids. Even when he deserves it! Don't take the bait when he flat out lies and tries to provoke you. Especially in front of others who have the authority to make judgments about what happens to you and your kids.
You are worthy!
Try to set yourself up financially so that you do not depend on anything from him. I know this is difficult. It may even seem impossible. Whether it's government aid, help from local charities, getting a roommate, shopping at Goodwill, using coupons, moving, etc. Be very smart with whatever money you have. Cover the basics first: roof, food, transportation, health. Everything else can wait. It's tough but only temporary.
As long as he knows you need his money to survive he will use it to control you, screw with you, and cause you harm. I cannot stress this enough. I know it isn't fair, he should pay his fair share. This is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your kids. Do what you can to protect yourself legally, i.e. garnishing his wages but don't expect any financial support from him. Then, if you get it, it's just an added bonus.
Plus, when you realize you can take care of yourself and your kids, you will not imagine how good you will feel about yourself and the freedom that this brings!
You are worthy!
Lastly, I strongly suggest you do not get involved with another man, not even dating, for a long time. You first need to take care of your basic needs, a roof, food, transportation, clothes. Get yourself settled, get your kids settled. Give yourself time to heal, get some support. I would suggest therapy. If you cannot afford it on your own, look for free services, there are lots out there. Contact a battered women's shelter, they will have lots of resources. Do not skip this step.
You are worthy!
Another man is not the answer! There will be time for that later. Raise your kids, get your head straight, heal! Get yourself in the best position to choose the right man, for the right reasons. Not someone to save you, someone to enhance you.
You are worthy!
You are not alone. There are many people who understand and can offer you support. Look for support from the people who will move you forward! Not the people who will offer drama and keep you stuck in the chaos.
I would like to send you some info confidentially, can you add a link on your blog for contacting you?
Gracie- thank you! Financially things are tough. But its not because I dont have him. He has actually not supported our family in any way since the beginning of the marriage. The only income is from my job. Kicking him out actually saved me money! But then the story of my life- my hours were cut at work. Im now making nearly a grand less, Ive looked for more work, but here people are fighting over jobs at McDonalds. I checked into working in neighboring places and nothing is available. But I wont give up!
ReplyDeleteI will try and figure out how to add a button for people to email me. Give me a few minutes. If I cant figure it out I will just post my email to you then delete it after you copy it.
Well I couldnt figure it out. So I created a new email account to use for on here once I figure out how to make a button or whatever its called for it.
ReplyDeleteYou can email me here:
brokenbutaliveagain@yahoo.com