I cry

So for the most part I have written about my anger, my trying to figure it out, trying to fix my broken mind, body and spirit. Ive written about how awful he was and how he devestated me with his abuse. How I hate him and never want to see him or have anything to do with him. All of that is part of the 'process' Im told. Part of moving on, letting go and building a new life. But there is also another part that has creeped into my life over the years of craptastic marriage.

In the beginning I thought my love could fix it all. My utter devotion and belief in him would help him overcome his issues, make him realize he had someone worth bettering hisself for. I knew about some issues of his. Those issues were red flags that would have made any intelligent woman run the opposite way. But here I am. Miss I believe everyone deserves second chances (or in his case a million chances). I had hoped that with encouragment and trust he would grow into the man I thought he could become. I wasnt asking for much. Just a man who would love his family. A man who would stay faithful. A man who would support his family. A man who would be trustworthy. Well several years later, never once did I get any of that from him. In fact in the first year he had already dropped his pants in search of 'greener pastures'. That second child that he so desperatly wanted us to have and I happily agreed (and do not regret at all) well when I announced the blessed news, he shortly there after became physically abusive. The emotional was there from the start, I was just so easily manipulated I didnt realize it. Well back to my point. Over the years I cried for this man.

Even after I finally managed to get away from him I have cried three times that come to mind quickly. I cried at one point for how pathetic I am. I mean I stayed with an awful person for so long. I cried for joy. Joy that I was "free" from him- sort of. And I cried for him/us. That last one is what Im trying to talk about right now. Its hard. Its hard to admit I loved a man who could do what he has done and still does. I dont love him anymore. I love what we could have had, what I had thought we had at one point. It litterly breaks me into a thousand painful pieces when I realize that, that man ruined what could have been a wonderful thing. I cry over how little he had ever loved me, if he had loved me at all. Because I dont think he is truly capable of love. A man who could strike his wife. A man who could do what he did, to the mother of his children. And at times, even in front of his children. Even pregnant with his children. I cry because I had so much love, so much devotion for him. I gave him blind faith and he discarded everything I had for him. I gave him my heart and my trust and he broke both. I cry because he is a fucking coward. Yes thats right he is a COWARD. Because he walked away from love, away from his family. Even though Im the one to kick his ass to the curb finally. He is the one who walked away. He walked away several years ago. He did that the first time he screwed around with another woman. As far as Im concerned he blatently said I hate you to me and our children when he chose another woman. He walked away from us when he physically, mentally, emotional abused me. He walked away from our marriage. He walked away from our children. No correction. He didnt walk. He RAN.

So I cry. I cry over everything we had and could have had. I cry over the fact that he broke not just me, he broke our children. He did that. And he will deny it to the bitter end. Even when he is faced with photos, videos, emails, texts and sworn affidavits from some of his other women, he will still deny the affairs. And you know whats the most messed up thing of all? ME. I am so messed up from him that what hurts the most is not the abuse he heaped on me to the point I nearly stopped breathing (oh wait, thats right, he did make me stop breathing, multiple times. No fun waking up from being choked to death and brought back) Its the Cheating that drives me over the edge.

Back to the point. I cry. I cry for my marriage. Im a statistic. Multiple times over. Im an abused woman. Im a single mom. Im about to be a divorcee. Ive been cheated on......... And I cry over a man who did so many unmentionable things to me. No I do not want Him back. He would eventually kill me. Staying with him would just teach my son to be like him. I can only pray that by leaving him, I am showing my children that its NOT ok to let someone hurt you. Its NOT ok to hurt someone. I want my children to grow up and have healthy relationships. I dont want them turning into their father. But I also dont want them to turn out like me. I want them to achieve everything to their full potentials. I want them to follow their dreams and be happy.

As for me. I dont want to cry for him, for us, for what we could have had, if only he had been sane. I want to move on in everyway. But I know its going to take time. I will feel anger and pain and so much more. But eventually everything will fade to just a nightmare. And that nightmare will fade away. Eventually I wont be broken anymore. Eventually I may find true happiness. But no matter what, I'll always be the one who won, and he the one who lost. Because I know what Love is and how to love. Because I stopped letting him own me. Because he is incapable of love.