Early Morning

Its been good lately. He has finally distanced hisself from me and no longer bugs me on a daily basis. I still hear from him, but thankfully its not a constant tirade of his abuse. He usually will msg about god knows what, then immediatly follow up with another text saying Im not allowed to contact him back. I just laugh. What else can I do? I dont want to contact him, I dont want him in any form at all. Im happy to just live my life without him in it. Without him ruling over me, demanding,terrorizing, abusing, breaking me.

My kids are pretty damn amazing. Everyday they push me to the edge of sanity and reel me back in just as fast. They are good kids who love and fight with eachother. Who have their selfish moments but for the most part all they want to do is help others. I love them so much. All I can do is hope that they can survive what their father has put us through. And everyday I wonder what kind of damage he is doing. Yesterday I had to bite my tongue as my kids brought up 9/11 and mentioned how their daddy had said he went down there and helped rescue people. I said they must have misunderstood him. That they should talk to their grandmother about what their daddy had said. I would hope that she would be honest with them. That maybe hearing this from them would help her relize how far gone her son is with his view of reality. Though this is a new one for him, not surprising but its so damn disturbing for someone to lie about something as tramautic as 9/11.

This morning I dragged my kids out of bed and buckled them into the car before the sun was shining. We went to my brothers house to take care of his dog while he is out of town. On our way back home we were forced to stop the car as seagulls took over the road and refused to move. We laughed and waved at the birds and went right up to them. Eventually pushing them out of the way so we could continue on our way. Im hoping the rest of the day is filled with more sweet giggles and belly laughs. More smiles and shining eyes. These kiddos of mine make everyday worth it.

Hanging on

Things picked back up. Im excited because I have found some jogging partners, went quite a few days without jogging since we had some women that were jumped and raped in the area and I didnt feel safe enough going out even with one of my dogs, since I jog at night. Im trying to be more active and its really helping me feel better overall. Its still tough since He is always around. I swear I cant turn a corner without him lurking and trying to cause trouble. Ever since our last 'conversation' where I repeatedly hammered home the fact I would never take him back, well he has had a few tantrums. Refusing to look at me when picking/dropping off the kids. Makes dissapointed "sounds" and shakes his head. And when we are 'forced' to communicate via text, he usually will say something then immediatly respond saying Im not allowed to talk to him whatsoever, even if it regards the kids. I just ignore it. I feel he is becoming less stable.

The kids are doing well in school and Im hoping the constant schedual will help them even out. Im still debating finding another job, just to fill the hours when the kids are in school but I know there isnt much out there. Even though for the most part things are changing for the better, I still feel like Im about to fall off the edge of something, the bottom is about give out. He is up to something and it doesnt bode well for me. But Im hanging on and hopefully can ride out whatever he throws my way.

Three Date Rule?!

I have to say I am just shocked at todays world. Blown away by how much has changed in a decade, or maybe I was always just a tad old fashioned? By no means am I out there dating or whatnot. All I am doing is making friends male and female. But along the way I am learning that nothing is like it used to be. Back in my day, a guy asked you out. You accepted and you guys tried a few dates, if you liked one another, then he asked you out as in boyfriend/girlfriend. A couple months later, you reevaluated your relationship, were you both ready to take it to the next level? Yes, no? And then you went from there.

Today, well today I am told a guy takes you out three times and according to this Three Date Rule, the third date means sex. WHAT?!You have got to be kidding me? How can anyone hope to establish a meaningful comitted relationship with someone this way? How could you ever respect someone who puts out immediatly? Whats to say they havent done the exact same thing with God knows how many people? Im not a prude. But I do believe a woman should not be sleeping around. You should only engage in sexual acts with someone who you feel you could spend the rest of your life with, does it always work out? No. But sleeping with over a handful of guys, just seems distastefull for me- but thats me, in regards to myself. I just cant wrap my mind around allowing myself to do that. I will never hold a # against anyone else, just against myself. I dont have the right to judge others, but it comes easily to me to do so. Im trying, Im learning and I am failing and succeeding.

The things I have been learning have made it so I just dont even want to think about trying in the future once Im ready. I may just have to become a happy crazy cat lady, who lives on her own, in the middle of nowhere, enjoying life as a hermit.

Yo-Yo

So lately things have been a regular yoyo. Great days, followed by crazy days. The crazy is all the ex. I was so happy and excited last saturday. After a few msgs back and forth where I continued (yet again) to try and hammer home the fact that I will never take him back, well I think it sunk in. He agreed to a divorce. Of course it was a bloody weekend, no lawyer or court house available to run to and fill out and sign on the dotted line. But I was floating on a temporary high the rest of the day. In fact I had to attend a family wedding which I hadnt been looking forward to. But I went with a friend which was nice. Until I got there and family from all over had drove/flew in. I proceeded to hear from people I hadnt seen in dozens of years about how they hated my husband, they were so happy I had gotten rid of him. Then there were the family who didnt realize my friend was not my husband. Some of them said it was nice to meet the man I married, which I correctly explained no- just a friend. Others went up to him ready to behin beating him, believing he was the Hubby. Needless to say it was an eventfull night. My friend had quite the experiance, but he survived.

The following day was even better, had a great walk thru amazing walking trails and gardens. Crap- life was going great. But it had to end sometime. The ex called me the following day at work. Hysterical, screaming and crying and threatening. Off the wall crazy. He kept telling me he knew that I loved him. I kept denying it. I havent loved him in forever. Eventually he tried laying all blame at my feet, at this point I could have cared less. If it would shut him up and make him go away, then Id gladly except the guilt for everything including nuclear war and global warming. Im hoping tomorrow I will have time to make a few calls and see about the divorce papers, somehow get him to sign them. I want all ties cut. What I really want is for him to seek medical help. I truly, really feel he is mentally unbalanced and may be a danger to hisself, definetly to others- especially me.

Last night I once again managed to have some fun and enjoy life. Having great friends makes such a difference. Im looking forward to more great days and I hope that once I get the divorce maybe things may even out a bit more. Im slowly getting more confidence in myself and feeling great. Slowly working a few work outs in every week and apparently smiling alot more, so many people have complemented me. Life is getting better. I was broken down so badly, but Im building myself back up.

occasional smile with daily tears

So I heard something the other day and it really hit home. The more I thought about it the more right it felt. Its my fault. Its not about what he did and didnt do. Its about what I chose to accept for so damn long. And I know that staying or leaving is never an easy choice for anyone. Everything happens in the time its meant to. Its my fault that I trusted his words and ignored his actions. Every damn apology he ever sent my way was a lie, because words mean nothing. I gave my all to a sick bastard and all he ever gave me was abuse. Our marriage was a one way street full of double standards and backwards bs. I stayed for all the wrong reasons when all along he gave me every damn reason to leave. I was hanging onto something that was never even there. He never was a man. He was a monster in disguise. I broke my own heart by continuesly trying with him. Taking what he dished out on a daily basis and thinking to myself if I tried to be whatever it was he wanted, maybe then he would come around. Maybe he could change. I was wrong. So the choice finally came clear to me and I left. I managed to walk away and by doing so I stopped breaking my own heart.