Surviving the Holidays

Well christmas is finally over and the children are all overjoyed with their gifts. Its been a crazy few days but in the end everything turned out.

My birthday weekend was spent in the woods in a tiny tent, in the rain. And it was great. The end of christmas day was spent in the hospital after my oldest came home from a visit with him. Apparently an allergic reaction to some unknown thing at his place. Severe enough where they want an Epipen kept on hand at all times just in case it happens again. Last night brought out the asshole in him. I knew the past couple weeks of him being nicish wouldnt last. He became irrate and angry with me. Saying everything was my fault that she had an allergic reaction to something in his parents home. Accused me of being irresponsible for not being there when it happened, for not handling it for him. When he informed me that there was a problem I immediatly began driving for his place to get her. I was 30 mins away and I made it in half that time. I took her to the hospital, while he took a shower, went out to get a bite to eat then showed up to see how she was doing cuz she asked him to come. But thats right. Im the one at fault. puhlease.

My childrens cat had to be put to sleep. Cancer riddled his body and he was in too much pain to keep fighting it any longer. It dampened the holidays but it was the right thing to do. My brother dug a hole in the frozen ground for us and my friend burried him for me. I stayed silent, didnt want to break down. It was just a cat, but still, he was a family member. This year has brought a lot of grief.

My goal over the next couple months is to get rid of anything that we dont actually use every month. No point in keeping it for a future day. I want to make it so when the time comes to pack up and move, it wont be such a hassel. And I damn well plan on moving. Yes I only have a couple years left on this mortgage, but I cant stay in this house any longer. Its time to start fresh, start over new somewhere else. Build new memories without the taint of old nightmares.

The someone special in my life is to damn special. My family likes him and my family never likes anyone. And me. Well Im scared to death but happy. I havent been happy with someone in a near decade. Being treated with respect, being cared for. Its a new experiance. Im still holding back, but I want to make sure what i feel is real. Not just a flash emotion to all this new stuff. But my mind is finally ready to accept what my heart is saying.

I think I might...

The other night my children took me out to dinner for an early birthday celrebation. I had so much fun spending time with them and a couple other family members. It being so close to christmas its really hit home with everything thats happened, I appreciate my family so much. In just a couple hours the kiddos will be coming home early from school and the start of xmas vacation begins. And of course the weather is now warming up and all that fun snow is slowly melting. Which stinks. I was prepared to to make ice igloos with the kids.

This weekend Im going on a camping trip which has me super excited. Originally we were going to snowshoe in a few miles then pitch a tent and totally take on the freezing temperatures. Now its going to rain the forecast says, so Im sure this will be an interesting trip. But either way Im still excited. I havent been able to go camping in a near decade. Im hoping I can handle the hiking pack which will surely feel heavy very fast after trekking thru the deep snow.

Whats been bothering me lately is the fact that I second guess everyones intentions. I spent so many years living with a liar that I cant help but wonder if anything anyone says is the truth. And I worry that this is going to negativly effect me because I have a hard time with trust now. But Im working through it. Im trying. And everytime I am given a compliment, everytime I hear a story, everytime my hand is held, my heart cracks open a tiny bit more. To be loved you need to love. And love needs trust. And Im pretty sure I am starting to trust. I think I might be ready to let go and open up.

But some bad or sad news has to happen. Today I will be taking the family cat to the vet to be put to sleep. He has been battling an illness for quite sometime and I had hoped he would make it past christmas but its time. And my kids are so heartbroken over it. Ive made it as clear as possible to friends and family that no matter what I do NOT want anyone bringing over a kitten/cat as a gift, now or in the future. We are done. Its just so heartbreaking to lose our furry friends. And at some point in the near future he said he was going to finally come and take his dog. So once that happens it will leave us with just two pets left in the house. And one of them may be leaving soon as well. Its hard making all these decisions but I need to do whats right for my children and for the animals. Now that Ive typed my way into a depressed mood I better get off of here and go cuddle that annoyingly pain in the butt cat and cry how much I will miss him.

Goodbye. Hello. Peace.

I faced Him the other day during mediation regarding custody changes. A few slight things were changed just to make it easier for both of us and for the kids. It went well. Until afterwards he confronted me and told me he loved me and that he had made a mistake. But its too late, it was too late years ago. I told him all we can do is move forward with our lives and learn to communicate and get along for the childrens sakes. Coparent seperatly. Because We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.

I had the talk with the kids about how its ok for their father to date. How they have the right to like his girlfriend, or form whatever opionion they want to. But how they should base it on how that person is. All that matters is that his girlfriend treats them right. I asked them how they felt when they have met his girlfriends, how if they were upset by it or happy by it. We discussed everything they wanted to. And I feel it went well. I even broached the same subject but geared towards me and a boyfriend. How they would feel. In the spirit of childrens innocence their only concern was if I would kiss a boyfriend in front of them, because kissing is icky. I laughed and they laughed and Im hoping Im going about things the right way. My kids are my main concern and I dont want to mess anything up.

So in all honesty I have met someone. I cant put my feelings into words at this time. I worry that its too soon. Have I healed enough to put myself back out there? Am I doing a diservice to this guy by seeing him at this point in my life? And thanks to the crap the ex put me thru- Am I good enough for him? And you know what. I am. In fact Im pretty damn amazing. And this guy. Well he is beyond amazing. No ones perfect, but we maybe perfect for eachother. He understands how fragile I am. He accepts the fact that Im scared and cautious. He is willing to stand by me and offer a hand if I need it, or just words and when its needed/when its wanted, open arms to hold me. When I think about him I smile. When I recieve a text from him Im like a giddy teenager. And when Im next to him a peace falls over me. But we are simliar in a lot of things. Were both so shy and nervous around one another. All I can do is be who I am. And right now, Im a woman who is tentively putting her heart back out there and at this moment someone is slowly stealing it and hopefully putting it into safekeeping.

Stronger Then Before

I dont write as much as I could. There are times where I just need to process everything and keep it to myself for awhile, or sometimes forever. Its been quite a journey since I became strong enough to escape my nightmare of a marriage. For so long I thought I was a weak person. I stayed in a situation because it was "easier". Well maybe it was "easier" but it was also "Harder". That near decade of hell also had moments of heaven. Without me ever meeting Him, I would never have had my children. And they truly have made everything worth it. But I dont only live for my kids now. I live for myself now too.

Ive forgiven myself for anything I felt that I needed to. Anything I held against myself. Ive moved on. Ive found peace with all of that. And as for him, well I wont lie. There are days where I have 'forgiven' him. Not in the sense that its ok. But more like in the sense that its the past, I want to move on, I wont let what happened hurt me anymore. He was a part of my life for so long. And he was a bad bad person. But he had very random occasional nice moments and those rare moments of happiness did happen. I wont lie and hide those times from my memory. That isnt healing, thats sticking your head in the sand.

This past year has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. In truth the marriage was over within months of the "I Do's". And right after our last child was born it drastically worsened due to His actions. I wanted out so badly. Each following year we grew further apart, his behavior became worse and eventually we truly were two people living together seperately, play acting occasionally for others. He was having his cake and eating it too. I pasted on a happy smile for people to see, for my kids. I had shrivelled up inside from his cruel treatment. It was only a matter of time before I gave up or he killed me.

But since then I have learned to love myself. Be strong, be optimistic, to believe in not only others but in myself. And I know I will have bad days now and then. We all do. But I also know the good will outweigh the bad. And it has been. I have found happiness with myself. With my kids. And with others. Circumstances make or break you. And I really thought I was broken. But guess what. Im put back together and Im stronger then before.