So crazy

Have you ever met someone who was off the wall bat shit crazy? Well I was married to that. I put up with that for years and I had seriously hoped and wished that when I managed to get away from him, that I wouldnt have to deal with that anymore. But nope. Im stuck dealing with his insanity because occasionally I have to communicate with him since we have kids.

The thing is, I try to keep our communication limited to text msgs, that way I have proof of the insane stuff he says. And I tell you what, the things he says could throw anyone for a loop. Today he exceeded his normal amount crazy. All I wanted was to drop off birthday invitations to him to put in our kids backpack to be handed out at school and a piece of paper for him to drop off in town whenever he got a chance. He went off the wall crazy, argumentative and rude. This went on for over an hour of him texting me. Half the things he said made no sense and contradicted everything else he said. Then out of no where he said he would give me the divorce (he has said this before then changed his mind- it all depends on which girlfriend he has at the time) I was happy. I started dancing at work. Now if I could only actually get him to sign the divorce papers. I thought, ok the day is going to go better now. And it did, for twenty more minutes until he dropped another bomb. He was demanding that I give him my money I get back when I file my taxes next spring. WTF?! I work, I support my kids, I pay taxes, I pay my mortgage, I pay my bills. He does nothing but mooch off of his girlfriends and lie to the courts and social services saying he is too disabled to work- but he cant get disability. Uh huh...

The day got worse and worse. He never stopped, he kept being threatening and rude all day. My phone kept beeping with new msgs from him and Id ignore them. But it doesnt matter if I ignore him or respond to him. He. Wont. Stop. Eventually he became even more irate. It was to the Point where I knew if I was near him, he would have been beating me. He would have been smashing me to the ground like he would do whenever I didnt Yes Sir him and lay down and be his door mat. I seriously do worry about my kids safety when they are with him. The kids say he has never hurt them physically. But this is a man who easily gets to the point where he has to hurt someone. He doesnt feel good about hisself unless he is physically hurting someone in someway. To make it so he can get away with hitting people he took up "mma". Made up BS stories about how he had done it for years when he had never even spoke of it for the first few years I had known him and was married to him. But then one day he decided to incorporate it into his stories of this big exciting life he "had" lived and still did... All this did was help him learn how to hurt me more. And now he likes to "spar" with idiots who believe his fantastic stories and think getting smacked by him is actually great. I can only hope that when he becomes violent he is around a real punching bag and not another woman he treats like one.

Looking Up Up Up

Ive been doing really well. Putting the pieces back together, finding who I am, not who he made me be all this time. I really thought I was overcoming some of my fears, some of my issues. But crap happens sometimes. I cant talk about it right now. I dont want to dwell on it.

Instead the other stuff, life. Its been 'normal'. Im surviving. If I gotta compare myself to something, Id say it would be that damn fish that has somehow managed to stay alive this past year. You see, at one point I had the brilliant idea to turn a massive tank into a mini jungle for some pet amphibians. And what jungle is not complete without a pool on oneside with a waterfall. And of course it had to be filled with fish. The end result was amazing. But eventually this massive hundred gallon tank ended up housing only 1 tiny green critter smaller then the size of a lime. The water in the pool leaked out/evaporated. The fish had died, or so I had thought. When all along one fish had stayed alive and managed to hide itsself in an inch deep of water. This fish survived with nothing for months in an inch of water, no companionship, no help, no fish food. This lil thing would not give up. The other day I dug out all the plants and trees, downsized this 100gal tank into a 20gal and a smaller pool and promptly tossed this fighter into the water. He is happily swimming around in fresh water. He survived crappy conditions for so long. And so have I. Ive faced death, Ive lived off very little. I fought back and lived.

Today things are looking up. I have some family and friends here helping to rip off the roof and put on the new one. Or at least part of it. This house is a layer of levels and additions so there are around 7 roofs, all in different conditions. So three of them are being replaced sorta. Throwing on metal roof. Its gonna kill me cost wise, but this is needed badly. Next step is to figure out what to do with my broken furnace, its getting really cold in here. But Im managing.

As the guys work on the roof, I find myself inside baking and cooking. Making sure there is plenty of goodies for them to have. Its the least I can do. And thats something I enjoy doing. Ive always liked doing for others. Im the type who feels good when Ive met someones need, no matter what it is. I love cooking for others. Fixing something for someone such as sewing up a rip in their clothes. Lending an ear and advice if I have some. Finding something they want/need. Having someone say or even give me a look of 'thanks/appreciation' makes me feel good. Im like the damn dog who can barely contain her self after she recieves a "Good Girl" for doing something her master said to. Its just who I am. And thats ok.

Blah

I dont know what to say. Things have been good. Things have been bad. Just when things begin looking up, a curve ball comes careening in and smashing things up. There are a few things that are really great, needed badly and are finally happening. But like always strings are attached to everything. The bad things, well I just cant talk about it right now. I feel so badly beaten down that its almost like he is here knocking me around again. My shoulders are drooping down from the weight of the world and I just want to curl up in a ball and rest for a few days.

But I cant. I need to make everything better and I will. We all have our bad days. But despite the stress of whats going on, I do have some good too. I have a few things Im looking forward too. And hopefully with time, these good things will help even everything out. And then pummel that bad into the ground, So a smile will be present more and laughter will be heard.

But for now. Im going to finish doing what I must for the day. And once bedtime comes, just curl up and rest.

A ton off my shoulders

I feel slightly better about things. I managed to somehow rearrange some things and used my paycheck to buy a ton of pellets so we can start to have some heat in the house. As for my furnace, the engine or whatever it is is dead apparently. So Im still stuck there. But after loading and unloading a ton of pellets today I feel like I can conquer the rest of my daunting tasks and not be taken down.

My youngest ended up sick during visitation with Him. He told me he was going to head to prompt care with the lil one since the drs office was closed. Needless to say when I got done work that night he told me he didnt go, didnt have "time", translation, he didnt want to get off his ass. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital, waiting around. Some meds and we were discharged, only for me to notice the next morning and this morning as well, that lil one seems ot be having poor circulation. Lips are purple when waking up and skin is dusky all over, especially in hands and feet and face. Takes a couple hours before the skin pinkens back up to normal. I dont know if this was happening during the days he had the children, he probably wouldnt have noticed if it was, so Im left with the fun of tracking down the on call dr and figuring things out. Lil one has a history of pneumonia and croup on a monthly basis, it seemed to have stopped right before this past spring. Couple that with the asthma and heart murmur it could be an infection or something else. When I brought this up to him, his response was, "ok". No other words, no concerns, nothing. Eventually he told me to do whatever and just text him about later. -_-

So Im waiting around for school to get out so I can take the kids into the backyard and rake up leaves and throw them in the piles. Just have some fun and make memories. Im excited to be turning the back shed into a big play area for the kids. Up till this past april it was his. So now there is this big empty place that has a wood stove to heat it, just waiting around to be used. Im thinking about moving the gym mats and putting the sandtable and the lil slide and maybe even the kids trampoline in there since its big enough. That way winter wont be such a drag on the days its too cold for them to actually play outside, and the toys indoors are 'boring' lol. Anything to keep our spirits up. And to keep going.

Its about Living

I feel like Ive been bombarded lately from every direction. I can handle it, but it makes me wish I could just have a breather. I guess things are really not that much different from before. He never helped with much around the house. If something broke usually it was his brother who would come fix it or someone from my family. Needless to say my family may be handy occasionally, but they all have lives and are busy and just cant drop everything and come help me. And obviously his family havent had a thing to do with me since I kicked him out. Blood is blood and they sided with him. Even with them seeing him choke me and hit me and having them pull him off of me, well despite that, in their eyes he is a saint.

I have no idea how to fix my truck, how to repair my roof, how to fix my furnace, how to install the dishwasher, how to fix the hole he left in the wall the night before I finally became brave enough to kick his butt out. Ive been soldiering on and basically rednecking my way through everything. Becoming handy with a screwdriver and ducttape. But the projects are piling up and my patience is stretched thin. But I have no choice but to keep on keeping on.

Ive made quite a few changes in my life. Done things I never thought Id do, or ever even considering doing. Teetering back n forth on what my views are, what Ive always felt was was right or wrong. Coming to find who I am now. And realizing how very different I am then I had thought I was. But thats a good thing. People change. I never really had a chance to find who I was. I went from school, to marriage, to mom, to victim. But not anymore. I am important and I have three amazing children to show that life is not only about surviving, its about living.

Happy Anniversary

The other day was our wedding anniversary and when that clicked in my head I admit I stood there staring blindly into space for a good minute. I was in the midst of renewing licenses for the dogs, including his, the one he abandoned. Thankfully the clerk didnt realize I had been transported to another world for a few short moments, but I snapped out of it, thanked her and walked to my car. I sat down and held onto the steering wheel as my emotions pinwheeled around.

I was sad. Sad for a few different reasons. Sad that my marriage just didnt work. That something that I believe is supposed to be till death do us part, well it obviously didnt end via death. It ended via him being an abusive crappy husband who was a serial cheater on top of it. I was sad that I had stayed and put up with it for so damn long. I was mad. Mad that here I was not celebrating my anniversary because he is a sociopath. Mad because I had been in such an awful situation for so many years, mad that the first time he hit me that I didnt hit him back, that the second time he hit me that I didnt kill him. Mad that I didnt walk out that damn door and never looked back.

I was also happy. Thats right. I was happy. Because here I am, alive. I survived. I made it. I got away. And now I can live. Now I can love and be loved.