Tonight I'm supposed to sit in a room with him. If he shows up and agrees we can finally sign papers for a divorce. Honestly I am terrified. Not of finally getting what I so desperately want. But of having to be in the same room as him. Him being so close. He has been threatening me again lately. Saying off the wall crazy junk and intimidating me in any way he can. I want the divorce. I want this one extra step of freedom away from him. I wish I could have him 100% out of my life and my kids lives. It sickens me that he is still able to abuse me. It's not physical anymore- though I truly believe if he had the chance he would, it's only emotionally/mentally now.
Why won't he stop? Why won't this end.
Once I had a restraining order against him. And when he found out he became so angry so dangerous I knew that he was gonna kill me and there was nothing I could do to stop him. He gave me two choices. Take the order off and live or he would get me and make me wish I had never been born. And the sad thing is he was telling me the truth. That piece of paper wasnt gonna stop him- what was I gonna do- try to give him a paper it with it, crumple it into a ball and throw it at him as I try to run away?! I looked into his eyes and took the only option I could that would t result in my immediate death or near death. I took off the order. I wish I had an order so I could at least call the cops every time he stalks me. I'm tired of him always appearing whenever I go somewhere. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid that this game he is playing is gonna cause me to have a break down.
I just want to escape from him
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The first time he hit me
Last night I had a nightmare. I was reliving first time he really hurt me. I was sitting at the computer, my heart on the ground, my stomach revolting as I read the emails between him and another woman. Here I was pregnant with his child, the child he demanded we try for. And the real reason he wanted a 2nd chd? To try and force me to stay, give him more leverage over me. Well there I was pregnant and reading the shocking things they had said to each other. When suddenly he walks into the room and screams at me, grabs me and slams me thru the chair and onto the ground. He kicked me and is yelling and slamming stuff. I curled into a ball to try and protect my unborn baby. He pulls me up and slams me against a wall, rips his wedding ring off an throws it across the room. He slams me repeatedly against the wall while yelling in my face. Then tosses me into the room and demands I find his run or he will kill me. The entire time I am crying, terrified he is going to kill my baby and me. Terrified he is going to kill our daughter who is strapped into her car seat listening to the brutality her father is creating.
Eventually he calmed down. But he wouldn't let me talk to anyone or see anyone for a few days. I had to pretend to forgive him. I had to apologize for upsetting him. Then he finally let me use the car and the first thing I did was go to the sheriffs. I made a complaint but then I became terrified of what would happen next. The officer practically begged me to file charges so they could arrest him. But I was scared and didn't do it. The report is there on file. A reference point to the first time he became physical enough to leave bruises and cause me to limp painfully to the sheriffs. I should have let them help me. But I didn't want to be known as a victim. But it was to late for that.
I woke from this nightmare and layed awake for hours. So upset that I had ever became involved with such a cruel madman. So upset that he is in mine and the children's lives. I do not love him. I do not care for him at all. I hate him. I know for a fact that I never truly loved him. I cared for him once upon a time but it wasn't love. I know what love feels like now.
Eventually he calmed down. But he wouldn't let me talk to anyone or see anyone for a few days. I had to pretend to forgive him. I had to apologize for upsetting him. Then he finally let me use the car and the first thing I did was go to the sheriffs. I made a complaint but then I became terrified of what would happen next. The officer practically begged me to file charges so they could arrest him. But I was scared and didn't do it. The report is there on file. A reference point to the first time he became physical enough to leave bruises and cause me to limp painfully to the sheriffs. I should have let them help me. But I didn't want to be known as a victim. But it was to late for that.
I woke from this nightmare and layed awake for hours. So upset that I had ever became involved with such a cruel madman. So upset that he is in mine and the children's lives. I do not love him. I do not care for him at all. I hate him. I know for a fact that I never truly loved him. I cared for him once upon a time but it wasn't love. I know what love feels like now.
Heart hurts
My heart hurts for my children. Today my youngest and I were playing and out of no where she asks me if [enter name] who is my bf, well asks if can be her stepdad. I'm silent, scrambling to come up with an answer. So I turn it around and ask her why she asked me that. She told me she would like him to be her stepdad. I ask why exactly? She responded with "because my real dad is mean to me." I just hugged her and told her I loved her an that I was so sorry that he is mean. I didn't want to grill her and get specifics because that would upset her. But I went over how certai things are bad and how no one is allowed to do them to her, how she can tell me or a teacher no matter what the person who hurts her says.
Every time when the day comes for them to go to their dads for visitation I feel like a monster for making them go. They tell me they don't want to go. But I can't keep them from him. Why is it that the law isn't letting me keep my kids safe? They make me send them to a man who was accused of molesting two girls years ago. A man who steals identities, a man who drives with no license, a man who doesn't use car seats for my kids, a man who physically and emotionally abused me for years, a man who owes a ton of money in child support for another child he has, a man who wouldn't pay support if I went for it for my kids, a man who is so brutally mentally unstable that I truly fear one day he will kill someone.
I wish I could take my kids and hide us. I don't want them exposed to his abuse mentally and or physically ever again.
Every time when the day comes for them to go to their dads for visitation I feel like a monster for making them go. They tell me they don't want to go. But I can't keep them from him. Why is it that the law isn't letting me keep my kids safe? They make me send them to a man who was accused of molesting two girls years ago. A man who steals identities, a man who drives with no license, a man who doesn't use car seats for my kids, a man who physically and emotionally abused me for years, a man who owes a ton of money in child support for another child he has, a man who wouldn't pay support if I went for it for my kids, a man who is so brutally mentally unstable that I truly fear one day he will kill someone.
I wish I could take my kids and hide us. I don't want them exposed to his abuse mentally and or physically ever again.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Did he hurt them?
For so long I tried to ignore something that I feared. I mean in the beginning things didnt seem as bad. I was blindsided by feelings that I used to try and cover up what really was going on. You see once upon a time I had a stepdaughter. She was the most beautiful little baby girl that I had seen when I first met her. Huge chubby cheeks and a little smile. Now Ive always been very maternal so I just zeroed in on that baby and was enthralled. I loved holding her and taking care of her. Those moments were wonderful and she was such a loving little baby. But all good things come to an end right. Well as she started to learn to babble she would call me mama and I would correct her and tell her my name. It was the right thing to do, because you see she had a mama. Then one day her mama came to pick her up and that sweet lil baby reached back for me and said "mama" in front of her mother. All hell broke loose after that moment.
What mother wouldnt be hurt and upset when their child clearly prefers someone else and calls that other person mama. But from that moment on we had to face countless allegations of child abuse, her refusing to let us have her for visits and non stop back and forth bickering. And all through it I just continued to love that child and be the one who took care of her. Im the one who taught her to crawl, to walk. I helped her reach all her milestones because in truth, her mother was to busy trying to put herself backtogether after the divorce. Post partum depression played a big roll in the reason why she and her baby didnt connect that first year. And secretly I really wished she would put her child first. But it didnt matter that I was doing what any sane woman would want someone to do for their child. Treat there child with love and care for them. You see, my ex wasnt doing his job. He never had and never will most likely. He ignored her, and became caught up in the game his ex was playing. Trying to hurt the other person, using the baby as a pawn.
Those first couple years were hell. But then it happened. An accident, all newly learning to walk toddlers will fall and bump into things and one bruise sparked a war that was out of control. From that moment on I never wanted to be left alone with her. I was terrfied of being accused of hurting her. It didnt even matter that I could provide proof that I was no wheres around, that I had time sheets and security videos from work proving i was at work when the mother would make an accusation. It was non stop. It was to the point where I didnt want to go home when my poor sweet stepchild was there because I was afraid of being accused of hurting her.
Ill never forget when that lil toddler came for a visit and told my inlaws and my ex and me that her stepdad was hurting her 'down there'. And the attending dr at the hospital saying there wasnt enough scarring to prove anything. The cops and the cps workers standing in the hospital turned to the mother and told her she had two choices. Kick her boyfriend out of the house or the child could not go back to the house. You know who she chose? She chose to keep her boyfriend. She laughed when she was told the accusations, she kissed him and hugged him and didnt try to comfort her little girl. I was so sick to my stomach. But countless court battles never led anywhere. You see, this county we live in is small. And the mothers family was very good friends with the judge and in fact the mom had gone to school with a couple of the cps workers. Our request for a seperate county cps to investigate was denied and we werent allowed a different judge. So despite my husband beating me, as far as I knew he had never laid a hand on the children. And I felt that our home would have been better for the child then her mothers home. At least she would be physically safe here and loved and put first. But no such luck.
This cycle of allegations between the two houses went on for years. I had hoped that if the mothers thought I didnt care anymore, that I didnt want her as my daughter, that maybe she would back off, maybe she would end this awful evil game of hers. But that didnt work either. Then the final time happened. I wasnt even in the same county. I was hospitalized almost an hour away during her visit. But even then she accused me. That was that. I gave up 100%. I couldnt keep going through it. Call me an awful person but I couldnt risk my own children anymore. So no more visits in my home. The ex was granted supervised visits only from then on.
Now as far as I had known he had never hurt the children. But I look back and that last time really offers no other explanation. Did he do it? Did he hurt her. Was he doing it all along? For the most part once she became a toddler my interaction with her lessened to almost nill due to all the bs going on. So when he had visits he was alone with her alot. It sickens me to think he was probably abusing her the entire time just to use it and turn it around and blame her mother. Now niether the mother or my ex were good people. But to think I was living with a man who may have been physically harming a child the entire time makes me want to throw up. Im lost. Im scared and Im teetering on an edge of I have no clue what. But if he had been hurting her the entire time, could he be hurting my children too? The other day in front of people I asked my son how he had gotten a mark on his face. I fully expected him to tell me his little sister had done it to him. But his answer shocked me and made the blood pound in my ears and the room spin. He told me how his father had picked him up and threw him off the bed onto the floor against the wall. He then showed me a bump on his head hidden by his hair.
What do I do. Because I dont want my kids over there at all. And going through the cps battles all over again will be never ending. I really fucked up. Not just my life, but my childrens lives as well. I chose a monster to be their biological father and now this nightmare of a man is in their lives and I have no idea how to get him out of the picture.
What mother wouldnt be hurt and upset when their child clearly prefers someone else and calls that other person mama. But from that moment on we had to face countless allegations of child abuse, her refusing to let us have her for visits and non stop back and forth bickering. And all through it I just continued to love that child and be the one who took care of her. Im the one who taught her to crawl, to walk. I helped her reach all her milestones because in truth, her mother was to busy trying to put herself backtogether after the divorce. Post partum depression played a big roll in the reason why she and her baby didnt connect that first year. And secretly I really wished she would put her child first. But it didnt matter that I was doing what any sane woman would want someone to do for their child. Treat there child with love and care for them. You see, my ex wasnt doing his job. He never had and never will most likely. He ignored her, and became caught up in the game his ex was playing. Trying to hurt the other person, using the baby as a pawn.
Those first couple years were hell. But then it happened. An accident, all newly learning to walk toddlers will fall and bump into things and one bruise sparked a war that was out of control. From that moment on I never wanted to be left alone with her. I was terrfied of being accused of hurting her. It didnt even matter that I could provide proof that I was no wheres around, that I had time sheets and security videos from work proving i was at work when the mother would make an accusation. It was non stop. It was to the point where I didnt want to go home when my poor sweet stepchild was there because I was afraid of being accused of hurting her.
Ill never forget when that lil toddler came for a visit and told my inlaws and my ex and me that her stepdad was hurting her 'down there'. And the attending dr at the hospital saying there wasnt enough scarring to prove anything. The cops and the cps workers standing in the hospital turned to the mother and told her she had two choices. Kick her boyfriend out of the house or the child could not go back to the house. You know who she chose? She chose to keep her boyfriend. She laughed when she was told the accusations, she kissed him and hugged him and didnt try to comfort her little girl. I was so sick to my stomach. But countless court battles never led anywhere. You see, this county we live in is small. And the mothers family was very good friends with the judge and in fact the mom had gone to school with a couple of the cps workers. Our request for a seperate county cps to investigate was denied and we werent allowed a different judge. So despite my husband beating me, as far as I knew he had never laid a hand on the children. And I felt that our home would have been better for the child then her mothers home. At least she would be physically safe here and loved and put first. But no such luck.
This cycle of allegations between the two houses went on for years. I had hoped that if the mothers thought I didnt care anymore, that I didnt want her as my daughter, that maybe she would back off, maybe she would end this awful evil game of hers. But that didnt work either. Then the final time happened. I wasnt even in the same county. I was hospitalized almost an hour away during her visit. But even then she accused me. That was that. I gave up 100%. I couldnt keep going through it. Call me an awful person but I couldnt risk my own children anymore. So no more visits in my home. The ex was granted supervised visits only from then on.
Now as far as I had known he had never hurt the children. But I look back and that last time really offers no other explanation. Did he do it? Did he hurt her. Was he doing it all along? For the most part once she became a toddler my interaction with her lessened to almost nill due to all the bs going on. So when he had visits he was alone with her alot. It sickens me to think he was probably abusing her the entire time just to use it and turn it around and blame her mother. Now niether the mother or my ex were good people. But to think I was living with a man who may have been physically harming a child the entire time makes me want to throw up. Im lost. Im scared and Im teetering on an edge of I have no clue what. But if he had been hurting her the entire time, could he be hurting my children too? The other day in front of people I asked my son how he had gotten a mark on his face. I fully expected him to tell me his little sister had done it to him. But his answer shocked me and made the blood pound in my ears and the room spin. He told me how his father had picked him up and threw him off the bed onto the floor against the wall. He then showed me a bump on his head hidden by his hair.
What do I do. Because I dont want my kids over there at all. And going through the cps battles all over again will be never ending. I really fucked up. Not just my life, but my childrens lives as well. I chose a monster to be their biological father and now this nightmare of a man is in their lives and I have no idea how to get him out of the picture.
Friday, February 14, 2014
But it was the truth
So what happened the other day shook me pretty bad but thankfully everything worked out for what will hopefully turn out to be the better. Put some things into prospective for me n I didn't like the crystal clear picture that I was presented with. Decided to make some changes.
Now I know I'm not perfect, no one is. I haven't handled things well most of the time. But you live, you learn, you regret, you forgive, you move on. At one point in the beginning of the end of it all with "him" I let the anger and pain take hold. I was so upset by some things I had learned that I acted out in a moment of pure hatred. In the scheme of things what I did in that moment does t even register a blip compared to the years of physical and emotional abuse he put me through. But I regret it. Because I definetly was not being the better person in that moment. I wrote the truth and let it be known. And of course many saw and applauded me, became disgusted with him and the women, and in truth some looked down on me for admitting what had happened because I had stayed for so long. Whatever. I uses to look down on others who stayed in bad relationships, I had no right, I learned that once I had been put in "their shoes". Now if I could remove it I would. Not because it wasn't true- every word of it was the truth and it was a tone down version of the truth. It didn't me ruin how abusive he was, how evil he had been exactly. Just stated the fact and yes the tone of it was peppered with my anger n pain. But I shouldn't have done that. Because no matter how much of a truly evil disgusting abusive manipulative law breaking piece of poo he really is- despite that, he is the father of my kids. And I regret it. But it was the truth.
Now I know I'm not perfect, no one is. I haven't handled things well most of the time. But you live, you learn, you regret, you forgive, you move on. At one point in the beginning of the end of it all with "him" I let the anger and pain take hold. I was so upset by some things I had learned that I acted out in a moment of pure hatred. In the scheme of things what I did in that moment does t even register a blip compared to the years of physical and emotional abuse he put me through. But I regret it. Because I definetly was not being the better person in that moment. I wrote the truth and let it be known. And of course many saw and applauded me, became disgusted with him and the women, and in truth some looked down on me for admitting what had happened because I had stayed for so long. Whatever. I uses to look down on others who stayed in bad relationships, I had no right, I learned that once I had been put in "their shoes". Now if I could remove it I would. Not because it wasn't true- every word of it was the truth and it was a tone down version of the truth. It didn't me ruin how abusive he was, how evil he had been exactly. Just stated the fact and yes the tone of it was peppered with my anger n pain. But I shouldn't have done that. Because no matter how much of a truly evil disgusting abusive manipulative law breaking piece of poo he really is- despite that, he is the father of my kids. And I regret it. But it was the truth.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Fearing Answers
Despite being targeted by people who enjoy hurting the innocent, I began coping and ignoring it. Things were going great. I've been so happy. I had my amazing children and I had my sweet boyfriend. But the past three days Ive been thrown into a vicious twister of pain, doubts, fears and countless years. The worst part of it is the unknown. I have no clue what's going on and the one person who can clarify everything for me has vanished. I have no idea if they are dead or alive. And the waiting is torturing me to the point where I am physically sick over it. I don't want my fears over what this is to come true. I don't think I can handle it if they do. But the not knowing is prolonging it. I just want answers and because I have my babies, I will have to survive whatever these answers are. I have no other choice.
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