Tired

Im tired. Im tired of being targetted just because of him. So many people hate him and for some reason he gets away with everything, so they then turn their anger onto me. Making up awful evil things and attacking me and my kids. Ive lived with this for a near decade. Just because I was connected to him, they wanted to hurt me. And hurt me they did. The most horrifying untrue awful things possible I was accused of. It didnt matter that I could provide proof that it wasnt me. Nothing I could do mattered. I fought against it so long and never could get anyone to care about the truth, just the sensational part about it made it happen. Eventually I gave up and just "walked" away from it mentally/physically/emotionally. Though emotionally I still cry over it all. I know Im innocent and I know what really happened and it kills me that parts of it are still happening, but Im not involved anymore and they cant blame me for it, and without an easy scapegoat it goes on unnoticed.

I admit to something that is awful. At times the pressure/stress from all of that gets to me and I think to myself, because of him I will always be a target by others. And nothing I do will ever get me away from it. So the awful thing I do is, I wish I could give up and not exist anymore. Then I wouldnt have to deal with being such an easy target. How is that fair? Because of him I pay a price I dont deserve. The only thing I did that was wrong was becoming involved with him. The bad things I was accused of were him, not me. It didnt matter that I could provide proof that I was miles away when they happened and he was the one right there. So how is it fair and besides that, they attack me for anything and everything. All because I made the mistake of becoming involved with my ex. I paid my price a hundred times over. My ex made sure of that with the abuse. I chose him and in return I lived a emotionally and physically abusive life. But these people who hate him, they want to feel stronger and they enjoy picking on the weaker ones and since they cant bring him down easily, they in turn target me.

Even with me finally being strong enough to escape him and the lie I had to live. even with that I cant get away it seems. These people dont care that they are hurting my children. They dont care about the innocent lives they destroy. They care nothing for anyone but theirselves and what makes them happy. And they want my ex destroyed and in the process they happily will destroy me and my kids for they enjoy hurting as many as they can.

If it quacks like a duck...

Once again He lands hisself in hot water but he throws the blame on everyone else. Many people contributed to an investigation that is still on going where he is targeted for fraud, identity theft and much more. This morning I woke to phone calls, texts and FB msgs from many people both friend and strangers sending me links to an article. And all I can do is shake my head.

I want to shout with glee that he is once again being outed. But whats the point? As a master manipulator he will find his way out of this again. Innocent people will be the ones who pay the price. My children and I always pay the price for the stunts he pulls. I made the mistake of commenting on someones post about it. I stated a fact not directly related to the article, and not long after I recieved a msg from him telling me he was getting me for slander. I didnt respond to him. Its not slander if its the truth and at this very moment thousands of people are working towards exposing him.

So what does this mean for my children and I? No doubt tomorrow when the kids go to school they will be targeted by other children about this. Children whose parents do not like Him or who dont like me just because I was connected to him, well they will tell their kids about this and have their kids confront my children about it. My kids are the ones who will be hurt by this. And theres nothing I can do. The only thing I could do is pack them up and move far away from here and never admit to any connection to him once we find a new place to live. But I cant do that because he has his illegal grimy hands hooked into me through custody with the kids. He gets visitation and I cant take the kids away from him because it would mess up the visitation. All I can do is wish he would decide to forget about the kids and let them go. Or maybe, just maybe justice will prevail for once and he would end up in prison. If he is in prison how could he stop me from moving away?

If I had the money I would go back to court right now and fight for full custody with him getting nothing but supervised visitation on rare occasions so that way the children and I could move. So my children wont be forced to hear his lies and suffer his verbal mind fuck abuse. I cant take out a loan big enough to cover the costs for a lawyer that I would need for this court battle. So unless money appeared out of no where or if I won the lotto, well the kids and I are screwed. It makes me feel like a failure that I cant protect my kids from his bs.

Naviagtion

Ive been trying to navigate this whole dating world and continue navigating the entire Im a single parent with a piece of shit ex world. Its been quite the trip. The ex, well he is the same as always. A narcistic abusive asshole who thinks the entire world owes him something. He doesnt like the fact that Ive gotten on with my life. That I no longer cower when a shadow appears. That I no longer give him all of my paycheck, that I no longer fear him with such a passion that I couldnt manage to make a decision without his permission.

Instead here I am. I support me and my children. Yea I dont make much money but I try and damnit Ive succeeded. I finally bit the bullet and took out a loan I couldnt afford and got myself a car. And its a nice one, or at least to me it is. Because now I can fit all the kids in and they dont have to be crammed against one another. Thank God for Third Row seating. Ive began slowly cleaning out the house. Tossing out stuff that I havent used, no point in keeping something that I may someday need. Seriously, I hate clutter and I hate knick knacks so this is uplifting for me. I walk thru a room and just grab something off a shelf and toss it in the garbage. Why the heck did I keep that decorative crap? Decorative equals more dusting, so screw it.

My boyfriend... Sounds weird to use that word. Makes me feel like Im back in highschool. Well there is no other term for it really, so My BF has been amazing. I enjoy spending time with him and miss him when he isnt here. Its been a bit tricky. Im trying to balance the time the kids are home as the time when the BF isnt here. I dont want the kids to feel like he is cutting in on their time. But at the same time I want them to get to know him and hopefully eventually if this relationship works out the way we both have discussed, well one day living together. Were both in it for the long haul as long as we continue to mesh well. And the meshing has gone great. The few times he has been around the kids its gone well. Of course my oldest is still having a difficult time with it. The ex tells them kids not to like my BF, he says quite a bit of awful rude BS. But thats the type of guy he is. I can only hope that the kids will be strong enough to survive it all.

Once again Im forced to spend money to potentially make money. I have a rental property and finding good tenants is nearly impossible. With the current ones nearly $2grand behind in payments Im now forced to find money I dont have to pay my lawyer to take these scum to court. Drives me nuts. I have never been able to understand how people can have no morals. How they have no shame in using people and hurting others. These tenants and my ex would probably be best friends if they met.

Occasionally I come across a piece of me that had broken off during those years and I pick it back up and fit it back in like a puzzle piece. I think pretty soon I am going to be whole again, or more like I will still have pieces missing but I will be an entire new me.

New Year, New life.

Its a new year. Many people have started it out with resolutions that they hope to keep. Diets, relationships, work, everything. I did not make one. I started one last year when I finally became strong enough or broken enough to end a marriage that had slowly yet surely been killing me. I stood up for myself for the first time in a long time and said I had had enough. I wasnt going to allow that man to abuse me physically and emotionally any more.

Since then I have grown into a stronger person. I have learned to love myself again. I have self worth. I have a life. I live for me, I live for my children. I wont let anyone bring me down again. And now when I look back onto those times I know that they happened for a reason. That reason is becoming more clear to me everyday.

He was a pathetic excuse of a man, not a real man. Even now he still tries to trouble my life but I stick to my 'guns' and refuse to let him break me or try to ruin my newfound happiness. He tries to brainwash the kids, the other day having one of them call me and I could hear him in the background coaching my child on what to say to me. All awful stuff. When my kiddos come home I talk with them and remind them of how they know the truth and they have the right to form their own opionions and be who they are. Not what someone tries to make them. I fear for my children. Their father is doing everything he can to ruin their lives in the long run. I just wish I could take my children and move away from here, away from him. Give my children a fresh start where the taint of him wont reach as easily. But its not possible right now. He still controls me in some ways and thats in making it so I cant leave this area.

Its a sad thing when you dont know how to react to someone treating you right. To someone showing you kindness, doing something nice for you. To someone caring for you and wanting to love you. Its almost like a deer in the headlights. Your frozen, you dont know if you should keep moving to the front, left or right or to throw it in reverse. I stare blindly at a gift and wonder what am I supposed to do now? Stuttering out a thank you but a part of your brain is running a mile a second wondering if its a trick, if something bad is going to follow, what strings are attached? But then guess what. There is nothing tagged along with these simple acts of kindness of love. All that is attached is love, followed by more love. And its wonderful. And I want to give that in return.