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So I feel pretty good right now. I managed to fit in a few days of working out, kayaking and having great days with the kids. Trying to pack in a bunch of fun in the last bit before school starts up. I have plans to hangout with some friends and got to go out on the harley the other day which was nice. I used to ride all the time before I met him. Since Ive been with him I think Ive ridden only a handful of times. The same can be said for horseback riding, I used to compete and ride all the time, since him, well I think Ive ridden twice. I feel pretty damn good right now. A friend has been helping boost my confidence. Im not his doormat, Im not his too skinny/too fat property anymore. My friend, well thanks to them I can walk with a bit more confidence now.

I had to take off of work the other day for a long awaited appointment. Crazy ass ended up texting me/calling me to complain about how he knew I wasnt working. I didnt respond to his insanity. I dont know if he figured out where I was all day or not, but I have a feeling he didnt know and thats what made him so angry. God, even after all these months he thinks he still owns me and wants to put me back on a leash to make sure I dont do anything without his permission. He really believes I will take him back. That I cant survive without him. Even a couple months after I kicked him out, he was lying to the neighbors about how he was just working so much- thats why his car wasnt in the driveway. Same thing with the school. He doesnt want anyone to know that his pathetic ass was booted. That his wife finally had enough of being his doormat/punching bag and now he was back to living with his mom. Tomorrow we have a teacher conferance and I have a strong feeling he is going to try and make us look like a happy family. If he lays one finger on me I will lose it. I dont want to backslide and I know how terrifying he can be. How with a single touch he can break you down with his manipulation and intimidation tactics. I plan on going to the school and letting them know about the current custody order and whatnot. I have a relative and friends who work in the school and they were very helpful during the last month of school when I first kicked him out. They knew to be on the lookout for crazy crap. Like the time he tried taking them from the school on one of my days. That day scared me.

Im learning to let go of the whole idea I had of what my life was going to be and supposed to be like. It didnt work out this time around. Maybe it will the next time. But I have to say goodbye to this life for me to be able to move on in search of the next. There has to be something better out there. Not only for my family but for me. But it starts with me. Im slowly getting happy. Its like I was chained up in sorrow due to the awful life I had been living and now those chains have fallen away and I am stepping out into the sunshine again. Im still going to have a lot of baggage. You cant just drop that off and let go with the snap of your fingers. Im still gonna be scared that he will do what he has threatened. But eventually I will be strong enough to not fear him.

Crazy Cycle

I dont know if he is becoming more desperate, realizing that I am through with him. Or if he is just cycling through his crazy behaviors in a non stop repeat. I was having some good days. Hadnt heard from him for a few, and surprisingly hadnt seen him about stalking me. So either he found something new to do or learned how to be more discrete. I actually did go out and have some fun with a friend. It was nice to relax and enjoy an entire day. Especially knowing that he was not around, he wouldnt have been able to follow us through the woods, swamps and rivers. But like most good things they have to end. When he picked the children up this morning he began mouthing off in front of them. Trying to paint me in a bad light while their little faces screwed up in sadness and worry. I told him not to do this in front of the kids and then I told the babies I loved them and went back in side and locked the door against him. He continued with text msgs, then switched his behavior back to his all time favioret- The Better Then You Christian. He went on and on about how he was the victim, the bible says so and a bunch of yada yada BS. All coming down to how if I loved my kids I would be with him and save our marriage, Im the devil. I eventually got a lil to peeved and finally responded after he complained about how I need to seek god. "Dont worry about my relationship with Jesus. I just am careful not to surround myself with Double Standard Christians who do more harm in the name of Christianity then the devil does in a roomfull of non believers." That was that, he didnt respond, Thank God...

Today Im just gonna go relax. Maybe go kayaking and get some work done. Find a way to enjoy the day and be normal.

Bad Days..

There are good days, then there are days like yesterday. He did a 180 again and threw me for a loop. Im still spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do. He does that whole Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing way to well and way to often. He went from agreeable and polite to vicious and threatening. From acting like a good parent, to suddenly demanding he has no monetary obligations for his children. Demanding that I pay him for things he has at his parents that the kids dont need or really want. I dont ask for support. I dont want any from him (he never supported our family), we share the kids 50/50 even though they usually beg to come home to me and cut his visitation short, so I have them more. I dont ask for money for their food, clothes, toys, activities etc. What they do with me is my expense. Just like what they do with him is his expense. But school related stuffs and copays for drs or medicine should be shared. He doesnt view it that way. At first he was fine with this. Then out of no where he goes all Mr Hyde, threatening me, saying awful things, just off the wall bat shit crazy. I married that. Makes me feel like I must have been crazy at one point to even get involved with him.

But thats the thing. When I met him, he acted so different. He knows how to play the game very well. I had so many people come to me, warn me, tell me what he really was like. I heard so many crazy stories that there was no way they could be true. But they were. I was blinded by the notion that love could conquer all. Everyone deserved another chance, people can change. Little did I know he could change. Into what he really was, which he had been hiding behind a thin veil of civility. He had no regard for the law. Felt he was above it, and had no remorse when throwing his friends under the bus to take the fall for him. Forcing me to go along with what he said and cover for him or face the consquences. Lied about anything and everything, made up such wild stories that only idiots would believe and I admit it, I was an idiot, but there were things I knew from the get go were so far fetched there was not a shred of truth in them. But I felt sorry for him and let it slide, feeling that with guidence he could get past that. I was wrong. He gets some kind of perverse pleasure from hurting others both emotionally and physically. For years I heard how I wasnt good enough, how I needed to do this and that to be worthy of him. One second he would tell me how I was nothing, the next he would toss me a compliment. One second he would hug me, the next choke me into oblivion. He never could hold a job for very long. Coworkers and boss's would tire of his crap fast, he never believed in being on time, would call in sick or usually make me do it for him. The list goes on. Just writing this makes me sick. Because I was married to that.

This morning my children left with him. Makes me want to puke when I think that, that crazy person is near my kids. A couple asked then cried to stay with me and I felt like the worst parent of all time by telling them they had to spend time with him. I know what perverse things he did to me mentally and physically. Would he ever transfer that towards the children? What can I do to prevent this. He scares me to the point where my life is so disrupted now. He still drives by my house, my work, follows me around town. Others have witnessed this, hell, even strangers have mentioned "that vehical has drove past here several times since you walked in". When walking the dog I panicked the other day. Cutting across a parking lot hidden behind buildings I heard foot steps quickening behind me. I hurried my pace and when I threw a glance over my shoulder all I saw was a large man in a hoodie coming towards me. Total mind fuck. Looked just like him, I sprinted away and eventually found myself standing in front of my truck at the sheriffs station. I was too agitated to think straight. Thank god for the dog. I know he stopped me a few times from running into traffic and led me back to the truck. I make sure to park by the sheriffs. Makes me feel safer.

I work. I walk the dog. I spend time with my kids. Thats my life right now. I want to do more. But for now thats ok. I was stressing out so badly about needing to 'get a life'. Looking for things to do and people to do it with. Well, I need to feel more secure and comfortable doing what I already do. Once I get past that then I can expand my life, otherwise Im going to be so panicked I wont get to enjoy it. Once I can find a way to not worry about him coming after me, him ruling my life anymore, then I can have a better life. Have a life.

Decimated

I had a really great post all written out in my head, but it all was quickly erased by him. Just one experiance with him, can just decimate everything I have going for me. I tried to do what is right, the whole good parenting thing. Tried to communicate with him about an ongoing issue with one of the babes and I knew inside of me, without a doubt he would make me regret speaking with him verbally. When I answered his call I didnt have enough time to fortify the walls Ive been building to protect myself from his manipulative ways. Within seconds he turned everything around and had me doubting myself, feeling like I was backed to being whipped down to the ground, cowering and was just a breath from my lips away to agreeing to him and acknowledging that he was the superior one. But somewhere inside of me, I poked my head out from under a blanket and got up off of my knees and told him to shut up. That it wasnt about him, but it was about the kids and he needed to take his head out of his ass and realize that.

But here I am days later still trying to sort things out in my head. Too much time to reflect back on everything. I really need to find something to do. Last night I had a terrifying nightmare and woke up physically ill from it. Thank god before I went to bed I had scrubbed the entire bathroom including the toilet, because if I had been heaving into that while it was dirty I would have felt alot worse.
With no where to go and nothing to do today I think Im just going to curl up on the couch and watch movies and pig out despite my ultimatum to myself to begin dieting. Its just gonna be one of those crappy days. It started off awful with that dream, became worse when I had to see his face this morning when passing the kids to him, listening to his drivel. And now here I sit, with a whirlwind in my head. Maybe I will attempt taking a walk, dog included obviously. I wish we had more places that allowed you to bring pets in with you. There are a couple stores that I can go that let me bring my dog inside. But Id like to go out to eat, but get to nervous and end up freaking out unless I have an "anchor" with me. And surprisingly the dog acts like one. Pulls me back from taking too much in at once.

Passing in the Night

We all say things we wish we hadnt said. Did something we regret. At times we know what we are doing is wrong even as we do it, other times it takes awhile for us to realize that it wasnt right. I know that its unrealistic to expect or demand that I never mess up. Im going to make more mistakes as I navigate this twisted messed up life Ive been living. Eventually those twists and turns will start to straighten out (I hope) and things wont be as hard. For the most part when I think about him, I just want him to hurt. For him to feel everything that he has made me feel over the past decade. But when I calm down and I truly look at things with my heart and my mind, I realize that the right thing is just to accept things. I want peace. And wishing the opposite onto others isnt going to help me find peace. That man is the father to my children. And right now, he is a monster. The things he has done are wrong on so many levels. I dont want him to continue to be a monster. I want him to change, to become the person I thought he could become. I want this not for me. I want this for my children, but also for him.

I need to accept what has happened to me. I need to accept that things can never be the same and that some things will never be the way I had wished they could be. Im no longer that little girl with bright dreams. Im also no longer that woman who was locked up, giving up on anything more. For so long I tried to be want he wanted and I was dissapearing. Withdrawing from the world and from myself. It was never enough. Nothing could be. I dont ever want to fall into that again.

Last night I dreamt that an inlaw had died. In my dream I was not happy over this. I was sad. Sad for my children. I woke up and I sat there huddled under my blankets reliving the dream. This person is someone who I feel and know would hurt me if given the chance. They will always stand by him and do what is needed for him to get what he wants. But despite this, I wish them no harm and I was tempted to call them just to make sure they were ok. This person has hurt me with their bigotry. Especialy with their double standards. They live the opposite of what they preach. I cant help but hate them at times, for they raised him and he is a product of his upbringing. But no, I dont want anyone to be hurt, not honestly that is.

I want it to be to the point where we are just someone we used to know. No hurt, no anger, no love, no sadness, no confusion between us. Two ships that passed in the night. I want to move on and I want him to move on as well.