This morning marked the first day that my children will be beginning visitation with him for the actual time described in our original custody agreement. God how I wish I had never agreed to it. I slept horribly. Which is nothing new. But as I woke my children up and got them ready I could barely keep the tears from flooding the house. Originally I thought I should be fair. The kids should see their father equally. When we sat down and came to the terms we did he was all for appearing to be a kind person who 'cared' and was the one who was 'wronged'. So we split a week up. How awful. So today my kids left and wont be back till wednesday. Its supposed to be 84hrs. 84hrs of hell. And Im sure alot more tears. As he pulled away with the kids piled in the back seat he turned and gave me an awful look. Gloating over hurting me. Eventually I noticed I had a text msg from him. Saying 'I Love You.' God his mind games are killing me
Im their mother. I struggled through pregnancy, trying to give them all they needed to survive. Only to have each one born way too early. Preemies. Little 2lb, 3lb and 4lb preemies. Miracles. I have talked with drs trying to figure out why. What was wrong with my body? Well stress is a big factor. what do you expect an abused womans body to do? But their premature births just compounded what he said. I was a failure. I was worthless. But no. I know now that HE is the failure and he is the worthless one.
Im walking around my house. Cleaning up after the kids. Hugging my babies stuffy and special blanket to my chest and weeping into it. Making their beds and just staring around, lost. I want to crawl into bed and bawl until Im too numb to think or feel anymore. It would be nice not to feel anymore. Just to have a reprieve from the pain and non stop thoughts swirling through my foggy brain. A deep sleep with no dreams, no nightmares. No waking up at all hours of the night and unable to fall back to sleep.
How do parents with children of divorce function when they dont have their kids with them? How do you fill the time? How do you not go crazy with worry for your babies. I wish it was wednesday. Oh what I would give to have them back home with me. Id happily let them make the house a mess. Just so I could have sticky fingers wrapped around my hand. Have boogy noses wiping against my shoulder as they hug me. Just so I can hear their sweet voices talk about anything and everything. To hear them, and to see them as they Tell me they Love Me.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I cry
So for the most part I have written about my anger, my trying to figure it out, trying to fix my broken mind, body and spirit. Ive written about how awful he was and how he devestated me with his abuse. How I hate him and never want to see him or have anything to do with him. All of that is part of the 'process' Im told. Part of moving on, letting go and building a new life. But there is also another part that has creeped into my life over the years of craptastic marriage.
In the beginning I thought my love could fix it all. My utter devotion and belief in him would help him overcome his issues, make him realize he had someone worth bettering hisself for. I knew about some issues of his. Those issues were red flags that would have made any intelligent woman run the opposite way. But here I am. Miss I believe everyone deserves second chances (or in his case a million chances). I had hoped that with encouragment and trust he would grow into the man I thought he could become. I wasnt asking for much. Just a man who would love his family. A man who would stay faithful. A man who would support his family. A man who would be trustworthy. Well several years later, never once did I get any of that from him. In fact in the first year he had already dropped his pants in search of 'greener pastures'. That second child that he so desperatly wanted us to have and I happily agreed (and do not regret at all) well when I announced the blessed news, he shortly there after became physically abusive. The emotional was there from the start, I was just so easily manipulated I didnt realize it. Well back to my point. Over the years I cried for this man.
Even after I finally managed to get away from him I have cried three times that come to mind quickly. I cried at one point for how pathetic I am. I mean I stayed with an awful person for so long. I cried for joy. Joy that I was "free" from him- sort of. And I cried for him/us. That last one is what Im trying to talk about right now. Its hard. Its hard to admit I loved a man who could do what he has done and still does. I dont love him anymore. I love what we could have had, what I had thought we had at one point. It litterly breaks me into a thousand painful pieces when I realize that, that man ruined what could have been a wonderful thing. I cry over how little he had ever loved me, if he had loved me at all. Because I dont think he is truly capable of love. A man who could strike his wife. A man who could do what he did, to the mother of his children. And at times, even in front of his children. Even pregnant with his children. I cry because I had so much love, so much devotion for him. I gave him blind faith and he discarded everything I had for him. I gave him my heart and my trust and he broke both. I cry because he is a fucking coward. Yes thats right he is a COWARD. Because he walked away from love, away from his family. Even though Im the one to kick his ass to the curb finally. He is the one who walked away. He walked away several years ago. He did that the first time he screwed around with another woman. As far as Im concerned he blatently said I hate you to me and our children when he chose another woman. He walked away from us when he physically, mentally, emotional abused me. He walked away from our marriage. He walked away from our children. No correction. He didnt walk. He RAN.
So I cry. I cry over everything we had and could have had. I cry over the fact that he broke not just me, he broke our children. He did that. And he will deny it to the bitter end. Even when he is faced with photos, videos, emails, texts and sworn affidavits from some of his other women, he will still deny the affairs. And you know whats the most messed up thing of all? ME. I am so messed up from him that what hurts the most is not the abuse he heaped on me to the point I nearly stopped breathing (oh wait, thats right, he did make me stop breathing, multiple times. No fun waking up from being choked to death and brought back) Its the Cheating that drives me over the edge.
Back to the point. I cry. I cry for my marriage. Im a statistic. Multiple times over. Im an abused woman. Im a single mom. Im about to be a divorcee. Ive been cheated on......... And I cry over a man who did so many unmentionable things to me. No I do not want Him back. He would eventually kill me. Staying with him would just teach my son to be like him. I can only pray that by leaving him, I am showing my children that its NOT ok to let someone hurt you. Its NOT ok to hurt someone. I want my children to grow up and have healthy relationships. I dont want them turning into their father. But I also dont want them to turn out like me. I want them to achieve everything to their full potentials. I want them to follow their dreams and be happy.
As for me. I dont want to cry for him, for us, for what we could have had, if only he had been sane. I want to move on in everyway. But I know its going to take time. I will feel anger and pain and so much more. But eventually everything will fade to just a nightmare. And that nightmare will fade away. Eventually I wont be broken anymore. Eventually I may find true happiness. But no matter what, I'll always be the one who won, and he the one who lost. Because I know what Love is and how to love. Because I stopped letting him own me. Because he is incapable of love.
In the beginning I thought my love could fix it all. My utter devotion and belief in him would help him overcome his issues, make him realize he had someone worth bettering hisself for. I knew about some issues of his. Those issues were red flags that would have made any intelligent woman run the opposite way. But here I am. Miss I believe everyone deserves second chances (or in his case a million chances). I had hoped that with encouragment and trust he would grow into the man I thought he could become. I wasnt asking for much. Just a man who would love his family. A man who would stay faithful. A man who would support his family. A man who would be trustworthy. Well several years later, never once did I get any of that from him. In fact in the first year he had already dropped his pants in search of 'greener pastures'. That second child that he so desperatly wanted us to have and I happily agreed (and do not regret at all) well when I announced the blessed news, he shortly there after became physically abusive. The emotional was there from the start, I was just so easily manipulated I didnt realize it. Well back to my point. Over the years I cried for this man.
Even after I finally managed to get away from him I have cried three times that come to mind quickly. I cried at one point for how pathetic I am. I mean I stayed with an awful person for so long. I cried for joy. Joy that I was "free" from him- sort of. And I cried for him/us. That last one is what Im trying to talk about right now. Its hard. Its hard to admit I loved a man who could do what he has done and still does. I dont love him anymore. I love what we could have had, what I had thought we had at one point. It litterly breaks me into a thousand painful pieces when I realize that, that man ruined what could have been a wonderful thing. I cry over how little he had ever loved me, if he had loved me at all. Because I dont think he is truly capable of love. A man who could strike his wife. A man who could do what he did, to the mother of his children. And at times, even in front of his children. Even pregnant with his children. I cry because I had so much love, so much devotion for him. I gave him blind faith and he discarded everything I had for him. I gave him my heart and my trust and he broke both. I cry because he is a fucking coward. Yes thats right he is a COWARD. Because he walked away from love, away from his family. Even though Im the one to kick his ass to the curb finally. He is the one who walked away. He walked away several years ago. He did that the first time he screwed around with another woman. As far as Im concerned he blatently said I hate you to me and our children when he chose another woman. He walked away from us when he physically, mentally, emotional abused me. He walked away from our marriage. He walked away from our children. No correction. He didnt walk. He RAN.
So I cry. I cry over everything we had and could have had. I cry over the fact that he broke not just me, he broke our children. He did that. And he will deny it to the bitter end. Even when he is faced with photos, videos, emails, texts and sworn affidavits from some of his other women, he will still deny the affairs. And you know whats the most messed up thing of all? ME. I am so messed up from him that what hurts the most is not the abuse he heaped on me to the point I nearly stopped breathing (oh wait, thats right, he did make me stop breathing, multiple times. No fun waking up from being choked to death and brought back) Its the Cheating that drives me over the edge.
Back to the point. I cry. I cry for my marriage. Im a statistic. Multiple times over. Im an abused woman. Im a single mom. Im about to be a divorcee. Ive been cheated on......... And I cry over a man who did so many unmentionable things to me. No I do not want Him back. He would eventually kill me. Staying with him would just teach my son to be like him. I can only pray that by leaving him, I am showing my children that its NOT ok to let someone hurt you. Its NOT ok to hurt someone. I want my children to grow up and have healthy relationships. I dont want them turning into their father. But I also dont want them to turn out like me. I want them to achieve everything to their full potentials. I want them to follow their dreams and be happy.
As for me. I dont want to cry for him, for us, for what we could have had, if only he had been sane. I want to move on in everyway. But I know its going to take time. I will feel anger and pain and so much more. But eventually everything will fade to just a nightmare. And that nightmare will fade away. Eventually I wont be broken anymore. Eventually I may find true happiness. But no matter what, I'll always be the one who won, and he the one who lost. Because I know what Love is and how to love. Because I stopped letting him own me. Because he is incapable of love.
Greatest Mistake
I honestly had a blast hanging out with a friend and her family. Our kids had so much fun and despite the rain we still attempted fishing. Only a couple of the kids managed to catch anything my middle child happily reeling in four fish. We laughed, we splashed in the mud, we all looked like drowned rats by the time we were done. But it was Great! The only negative came from him. We were in an area with no cell service so by the time we drove out of the woods my phone was flooded with texts and calls. Eventually those texts became threatening. His normal routine. Once again hinting at what he could do. Makes me look at my kids and think oh how I wish I could keep them from his evil. Run far away and live happily ever after.
I have been waiting and waiting to hear back from a few lawyers, apparently they all are dealing over flowing case loads. I just want this divorce. I just want to be legally free from him. We will always be tied together because of our children. I have always said he is my greatest mistake. Because without him I wouldnt have been blessed with my amazing babies. I will always be thankful for him because of my babies. But his genetic supply in creating my children is the only good thing he has accomplished in his life. For the most part my children adore him, they are blinded by the love a child has for their parents. His way with words and manipulation has made it so he could murder a hundred puppies and unicorns in front of them and they would still look to him with awe. Scares the crap out of me. I dont say anything to them about him. All I say in regards to their father and his family is that they "love them". Wether thats true or not, who knows. Their type of love is not good. But there is nothing I can do about it. With the help of counselors and lawyers we will figure it out.
I would do these past several years over again the same way. I would take the thousand beatings, chokings, harsh words and degradation, just to have my children again. It was worth it. My babies are worth anything and everything I have endured and will endure. The love I have for them is astounding. They truly are miracles. And today I hope to make them laugh and find excitement and joy as we head off to a science place and play.
Im also happy to have my body back. That may sound weird, but what I mean by this is my ex controlled me in many ways. At first demanding that I stay thin, then demanding that I put on a lot of weight, then degrading me for being bigger and not in shape. Ive lost ten lbs since I booted his butt. Im not truly concerned with weight. I just want to be healthy. But most importantly I want to be happy.
I have been waiting and waiting to hear back from a few lawyers, apparently they all are dealing over flowing case loads. I just want this divorce. I just want to be legally free from him. We will always be tied together because of our children. I have always said he is my greatest mistake. Because without him I wouldnt have been blessed with my amazing babies. I will always be thankful for him because of my babies. But his genetic supply in creating my children is the only good thing he has accomplished in his life. For the most part my children adore him, they are blinded by the love a child has for their parents. His way with words and manipulation has made it so he could murder a hundred puppies and unicorns in front of them and they would still look to him with awe. Scares the crap out of me. I dont say anything to them about him. All I say in regards to their father and his family is that they "love them". Wether thats true or not, who knows. Their type of love is not good. But there is nothing I can do about it. With the help of counselors and lawyers we will figure it out.
I would do these past several years over again the same way. I would take the thousand beatings, chokings, harsh words and degradation, just to have my children again. It was worth it. My babies are worth anything and everything I have endured and will endure. The love I have for them is astounding. They truly are miracles. And today I hope to make them laugh and find excitement and joy as we head off to a science place and play.
Im also happy to have my body back. That may sound weird, but what I mean by this is my ex controlled me in many ways. At first demanding that I stay thin, then demanding that I put on a lot of weight, then degrading me for being bigger and not in shape. Ive lost ten lbs since I booted his butt. Im not truly concerned with weight. I just want to be healthy. But most importantly I want to be happy.
Friday, June 28, 2013
A little Relief
So I can now go and do stuff. Visit someone, go to a random store, watch a movie, walk where ever and there shouldnt be any repercussions. No one to grill me, degrade me, abuse me. So I have plans to meet a true friend and have all our kids hang out and just enjoy some downtime. wow. It feels awesome, but also feels weird, sort of scarey knowing that when I come home an angry manipulative abuser wont be there waiting. Scarey cause its different, not scarey in a bad way, just the unknown way. God, I have a lot of readjusting to do.
Just this past week, even though I kicked him out months ago, he still drives by my work, looks for my vehical and if he doesnt see it, calls and texts me demanding to know where I am. Since I am unable to sleep much I have caught him driving by the house at all hours of the night. After the sheriffs escorted him and the last of his belongings off my property yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. He still texted me after that but I refused to respond. And I dont know if that slight relief is what did it, but I managed to sleep last night. So I have no idea if his nocturnal drive bys occured.
I wish I could move away from here and start all over, fresh. Where people dont know about the life I was forced to live. Where people who hate my ex and where people who hate me because I was connected to him, dont live. Where he doesnt live. Where his mother doesnt live. His mother, what a piece of work. My employer got ahold of me this morning and told me that dear old Mother In Law called them and ran her mouth. Go figure. Random people who are finally learning the truth have gotten ahold of me this past week and told me how she is telling people Im a devil worshiper, that Im not Christian. Wow. For starters Im the type of person who believes everyone has the right to their own beliefs, so I have nothing against anyone who practices something that I dont. But I believe in God. I just refuse to stay down on my knees for several hours a day praying for forgiveness for whatever offense I may or may not have done, like my mother in law demands. When I was pregnant with my first child I worked full time. Her son refused to support our family. So I would miss sunday service because I was working. She told me that I and my unborn baby were going to hell for not atttending every service. Over the years her teachings and her sons all boiled down to: a woman is a mans servent. A wife must do whatever her husband says. Its the wifes duty to cater to him and his every wish. A woman is not a woman, She is a doormat, a slave. Crazy right? Because even though she preaches this at home, she doesnt do it for her husband. Whats even crazier. There we would sit at the dinner table all one big happy family. Just after she had pulled her son off of me when he was hitting and choking me, it was dinner time- knock that off. Well we sit down and she begins talking about her day. About the clients she has and how she helped a woman get away from her abusive husband and how awful it is for men to do that. Everyone at the table agreed and offered to go beat the guy up. Let me mention it was me, her, her husband, my husband and brother in law at the table. side note. she runs an agency to help women and families in the community, gets them things they need, helps them get help with other programs, yada yada. Yea- mind blowing.
Obviously I have a lot of pent up emotions, and words. The point of this blog is just for me to write, get it out of me. With the hopes of eventually coming to find peace. Also, I spent so many years fearing him, knowing I wasnt allowed to tell anyone. So in a way Im not exactly telling someone. Im just writing it down, if someone happens across it, oh well. But screw that. I am not his property anymore. I can tell people the truth if I want to, and shouldnt be beaten or choked till I black out for doing it.
Whats hard is telling my family. I still really dont say much about it. They ask questions, I shrug my shoulders, shake my head yes or no or just dont comment in any way. I dont want them to look at me and see how screwed up I am, for living that way all these years. Yes, I know its not my fault. I was controlled by a master manipulater. A guy who can talk circles around politicians, make the most godly of people feel like they are evil, make the most evil people think they are good just by the words he can spew forth. But I feel that I should have known, that when the physical abuse first started, that I should have gotten away then. And because I didnt, I feel like Im the one who is wrong, the one who must have deserved the abuse.
No one deserves abuse.
Just this past week, even though I kicked him out months ago, he still drives by my work, looks for my vehical and if he doesnt see it, calls and texts me demanding to know where I am. Since I am unable to sleep much I have caught him driving by the house at all hours of the night. After the sheriffs escorted him and the last of his belongings off my property yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. He still texted me after that but I refused to respond. And I dont know if that slight relief is what did it, but I managed to sleep last night. So I have no idea if his nocturnal drive bys occured.
I wish I could move away from here and start all over, fresh. Where people dont know about the life I was forced to live. Where people who hate my ex and where people who hate me because I was connected to him, dont live. Where he doesnt live. Where his mother doesnt live. His mother, what a piece of work. My employer got ahold of me this morning and told me that dear old Mother In Law called them and ran her mouth. Go figure. Random people who are finally learning the truth have gotten ahold of me this past week and told me how she is telling people Im a devil worshiper, that Im not Christian. Wow. For starters Im the type of person who believes everyone has the right to their own beliefs, so I have nothing against anyone who practices something that I dont. But I believe in God. I just refuse to stay down on my knees for several hours a day praying for forgiveness for whatever offense I may or may not have done, like my mother in law demands. When I was pregnant with my first child I worked full time. Her son refused to support our family. So I would miss sunday service because I was working. She told me that I and my unborn baby were going to hell for not atttending every service. Over the years her teachings and her sons all boiled down to: a woman is a mans servent. A wife must do whatever her husband says. Its the wifes duty to cater to him and his every wish. A woman is not a woman, She is a doormat, a slave. Crazy right? Because even though she preaches this at home, she doesnt do it for her husband. Whats even crazier. There we would sit at the dinner table all one big happy family. Just after she had pulled her son off of me when he was hitting and choking me, it was dinner time- knock that off. Well we sit down and she begins talking about her day. About the clients she has and how she helped a woman get away from her abusive husband and how awful it is for men to do that. Everyone at the table agreed and offered to go beat the guy up. Let me mention it was me, her, her husband, my husband and brother in law at the table. side note. she runs an agency to help women and families in the community, gets them things they need, helps them get help with other programs, yada yada. Yea- mind blowing.
Obviously I have a lot of pent up emotions, and words. The point of this blog is just for me to write, get it out of me. With the hopes of eventually coming to find peace. Also, I spent so many years fearing him, knowing I wasnt allowed to tell anyone. So in a way Im not exactly telling someone. Im just writing it down, if someone happens across it, oh well. But screw that. I am not his property anymore. I can tell people the truth if I want to, and shouldnt be beaten or choked till I black out for doing it.
Whats hard is telling my family. I still really dont say much about it. They ask questions, I shrug my shoulders, shake my head yes or no or just dont comment in any way. I dont want them to look at me and see how screwed up I am, for living that way all these years. Yes, I know its not my fault. I was controlled by a master manipulater. A guy who can talk circles around politicians, make the most godly of people feel like they are evil, make the most evil people think they are good just by the words he can spew forth. But I feel that I should have known, that when the physical abuse first started, that I should have gotten away then. And because I didnt, I feel like Im the one who is wrong, the one who must have deserved the abuse.
No one deserves abuse.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Emotional Coward
At times I wonder if Im an emotional coward. Ive been hurt so badly I dont want to put myself out there empotionally, for fear of being hurt again. Last night a good friend told me I cant let him win. That by deciding to never get involved again, that he wins, that he has made sure I will never love or be loved. Its his revenge for me not being his slave anymore, for making him leave and asking for divorce. I gotta say- that revelation made me nauseous.
So I sit here and try to view things rationally. Even if I did decide to move on and try again, it wouldnt be till the future- far future. I really want to explore who I am and who I can be. Here is my chance to become Me. Not the product of someone elses making. So Im going to try and form some relationships. On the friendship level that is. I will go and find things I like to enjoy and see if I can make friends with other women and men who enjoy the same things. So here I sit, looking inward and thinking about things I used to enjoy and wondering if Id still like them and what other things I may like. Its a small step right? Just thinking about it that is. :-)
In regards to the ex. Last night was awful. He wouldnt leave me alone. Called a few dozen times- I refused to answer. Texted non stop. Then after 10pm he showed up angry. I wouldnt let him in. I grabbed my phone ready to call the cops. Praying that they would be able to get here in time before he could do some major damage to me. I told him I was going to call for help. He sped off, burning rubber. The only thing I want is for him to follow the current custody order. He threatened to take the kids whenever he wanted and said he would tell them awful lies. Ive wanted to be fair in regards to the kids. But my god am I doing the right thing in the long run for the kids? Is he going to emotionally abuse them as well. I see how my oldest child is traumatized from this all. My middle child is lost, I can see him wavering. My youngest seems to be handling it the best, but constantly asks for us to get back together. I cant wait for them to meet the counselor and hopefully we can figure things out. I just want to do whats right.
Today he is showing up here to get his stuff. The sheriffs said they will be here for it. But they cant always be here. So I admit to it, Im afraid. It pisses me off! I am still his victim. I dont want to be a victim anymore! I want to be a role model for my kids and Ive been a poor one at that. Taking abuse for years, teaching them that that is ok. Its not ok. Its never ok for a person to abuse another person emotionally, mentally, physically or god forbid sexually.
Im not getting much sleep at night. My mind just wont shut down and give me some peace. I think the stress is just getting to be too much. Ive cried in the past few hours about all of this. Crazy. Because when I got away from him a few months ago I only cried twice. Now here I am, doing it again. Rationally I know its part of the healing process. You break down into pieces then build yourself back together. Im afraid there is going to be lots of cracks, missing pieces and lots of duct tape holding my broken pieces together.
So I sit here and try to view things rationally. Even if I did decide to move on and try again, it wouldnt be till the future- far future. I really want to explore who I am and who I can be. Here is my chance to become Me. Not the product of someone elses making. So Im going to try and form some relationships. On the friendship level that is. I will go and find things I like to enjoy and see if I can make friends with other women and men who enjoy the same things. So here I sit, looking inward and thinking about things I used to enjoy and wondering if Id still like them and what other things I may like. Its a small step right? Just thinking about it that is. :-)
In regards to the ex. Last night was awful. He wouldnt leave me alone. Called a few dozen times- I refused to answer. Texted non stop. Then after 10pm he showed up angry. I wouldnt let him in. I grabbed my phone ready to call the cops. Praying that they would be able to get here in time before he could do some major damage to me. I told him I was going to call for help. He sped off, burning rubber. The only thing I want is for him to follow the current custody order. He threatened to take the kids whenever he wanted and said he would tell them awful lies. Ive wanted to be fair in regards to the kids. But my god am I doing the right thing in the long run for the kids? Is he going to emotionally abuse them as well. I see how my oldest child is traumatized from this all. My middle child is lost, I can see him wavering. My youngest seems to be handling it the best, but constantly asks for us to get back together. I cant wait for them to meet the counselor and hopefully we can figure things out. I just want to do whats right.
Today he is showing up here to get his stuff. The sheriffs said they will be here for it. But they cant always be here. So I admit to it, Im afraid. It pisses me off! I am still his victim. I dont want to be a victim anymore! I want to be a role model for my kids and Ive been a poor one at that. Taking abuse for years, teaching them that that is ok. Its not ok. Its never ok for a person to abuse another person emotionally, mentally, physically or god forbid sexually.
Im not getting much sleep at night. My mind just wont shut down and give me some peace. I think the stress is just getting to be too much. Ive cried in the past few hours about all of this. Crazy. Because when I got away from him a few months ago I only cried twice. Now here I am, doing it again. Rationally I know its part of the healing process. You break down into pieces then build yourself back together. Im afraid there is going to be lots of cracks, missing pieces and lots of duct tape holding my broken pieces together.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Put Myself Back Together
Despite what an evil man he is to the women in his life- he hasnt physically harmed the kids yet. Yet- such a scarey word. But I know he is emotionally damaging them. So the kids are going into counseling and a counselor will help me determine what needs to be done and wether it needs to be taken to court for their well being when it comes to his involvement in their lives.
In regards to me. Im still afraid of him. I still wonder when he will kick the door in one of these nights and attack me. I wish I could run out of state and start all over where he couldnt find me. The people who have learned about the situation all agree it is the only safe thing to do. But I cant do that. So I will struggle on.
I confronted him over the phone via text about information that was tossed onto my lap today. He denied it, then went and threatened the person who gave it to me. The girl he has manipulated is now stuck- her friends all have come forward and are worried, he wont allow her to talk to them or see them. But despite taking over her life, he denies knowing her (there are videos, pics and so much more proof) his mother stands by his side helping him cover up his second life that he lives. She also helps him to harm others by spreading lies and fabricating stories. I never realized what a nest of vipers I had married into.
Despite being scared Im also excited. I can finally "spread my wings" and step into the world and learn what I like- not what Im told to like. I can find who I really am and try to become who Id like to become. I can have dreams again and not be afraid that everything I say will be used against me. Right now I want to find a way to get out there and make friends, make connections with people. Laugh and smile and not look over my shoulder and flinch. I am not a doormat. I am a person and I deserve love. I deserve a chance and I will take one, not only for my kids but for ME. I may be broken right now, but Im trying to find all the pieces so maybe just maybe I can put myself back together.
Now What
Yesterday I began posting. But this all began a few months ago, or more accuratly nerly a decade ago. BUt a few months ago is when I finally managed to get him out of my home. Everyday he texts, calls, emails me. Demanding that I let him come back, telling me how much he loves, pleading his innocence, how he will change, how he is changing. And when that doesnt work he switches to anger and threats. Then back to the pleading. I am so tired of hearing him say "I Love You." I truly do not believe he knows how to love. When I had to let him have the kids for visitation today, he said those three words to me yet again. And I looked at him. I mean I really looked at him and wondered how could something so evil be so good at pretending to be good. Those three words out of his mouth make me want to puke. Yesterday I was given videos that he had taken and passed to others. Videos of him screwing other women. Yet there he stands in front of me declaring his innocence- swearing upon God and our childrens lives that he has never touched another woman since we got together nearly a decade ago. Disgusting.
I feel nothing in the terms of sadness, heartache or the million other emotions most people feel when ending a relationship. The only thing I find myself feeling is anger. And pity. I pity the girl he has manipulated and is using right now. Ive learned quite a bit about the situation and I pity her. I fear for her life as well. Because it wont be long before he abuses her and breaks her as well.
I asked a friend what am I supposed to do when this supposedly is all over. How do I move on with my life. How do I ever find the ability to trust a man again. She said I would just have to take the chance. But its scarey. Before with my husband I was the one he took everything out on. He never hurt the kids as far as I know. But if I ever bring another man into my life there will be that fear that they could hurt my kids, and I cant allow that. I guess I will just be alone.
In a few short hours I will be in a room with him. There will be another person there, but I wonder if that person realizes what they are about to witness. The way he can bring on the tears at a moments notice, the way he can manipulate what others say, how he qoutes the Old Testament to his advantage. Im tempted to let him plead his case, worm his way into the golden spot, then after he is all said and done, pull out my phone and play the videos, share the copies of texts the other women have given me. But I know what will happen. He will either lie and call the videos and texts all fakes or he will react in anger and attack. I wonder if they have security there, and how long it would take them to get to us if he loses it again.
Im tired of being broken. Once upon a time I used to smile alot. I used to hang out with friends and do lots of activities. But when I married him, he didnt allow me to hang out with my friends anymore, or leave the house to do anything. I stopped wearing shorts, began wearing long sleeves more, was pulled away from my family and became great at making excuses for so many things.
He broke my body and he broke my spirit. But Im still alive. Im healing physically. But the emotional part, Im unsure of. Im now a single mom who gets no help whatsoever and am unsure how to survive. But Im alive.
I feel nothing in the terms of sadness, heartache or the million other emotions most people feel when ending a relationship. The only thing I find myself feeling is anger. And pity. I pity the girl he has manipulated and is using right now. Ive learned quite a bit about the situation and I pity her. I fear for her life as well. Because it wont be long before he abuses her and breaks her as well.
I asked a friend what am I supposed to do when this supposedly is all over. How do I move on with my life. How do I ever find the ability to trust a man again. She said I would just have to take the chance. But its scarey. Before with my husband I was the one he took everything out on. He never hurt the kids as far as I know. But if I ever bring another man into my life there will be that fear that they could hurt my kids, and I cant allow that. I guess I will just be alone.
In a few short hours I will be in a room with him. There will be another person there, but I wonder if that person realizes what they are about to witness. The way he can bring on the tears at a moments notice, the way he can manipulate what others say, how he qoutes the Old Testament to his advantage. Im tempted to let him plead his case, worm his way into the golden spot, then after he is all said and done, pull out my phone and play the videos, share the copies of texts the other women have given me. But I know what will happen. He will either lie and call the videos and texts all fakes or he will react in anger and attack. I wonder if they have security there, and how long it would take them to get to us if he loses it again.
Im tired of being broken. Once upon a time I used to smile alot. I used to hang out with friends and do lots of activities. But when I married him, he didnt allow me to hang out with my friends anymore, or leave the house to do anything. I stopped wearing shorts, began wearing long sleeves more, was pulled away from my family and became great at making excuses for so many things.
He broke my body and he broke my spirit. But Im still alive. Im healing physically. But the emotional part, Im unsure of. Im now a single mom who gets no help whatsoever and am unsure how to survive. But Im alive.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I dont Want To Live That Way
I spent nearly a decade with one man. I married him. I gave him everything. He gave me pain. Despite finding what kind of person he was, I stayed and tried to make things work. I fought for our marriage. Changing myself to be who I thought he wanted. It took me a few years to realize there was nothing I could do to please him. I tried to leave but he wouldnt let me go. After nearly three years I realized how I was stuck, if I tried to leave he would hurt me. He would do whatever he had to do, to keep what was his. I wasnt a person to him. I became a possession. I spent years being told how I was nothing. Taking all types of abuse. Hiding the bruises, lying and pretending everything was ok. He told me the only way Id get out was through death. I believed him.
Finally I could take no more. A night of accusations, his denial, my proof, holes in the wall and my body held down. I finally decided no more. I had to try. The hours crept by and finally I made my way to a court house. Filed, did what I thought I could do to keep myself safe. Nothing could keep me safe though. I spent years being talked about, by people who hated my husband. They came up with awful lies, since I was connected to him, they targeted me as well. When all along, I was the biggest victim, but I stupidly allowed myself to become that victim. I could have tried to escape all those years ago when I first told him I wanted a divorce. Instead I let his threats, his fists, keep me there. I dont know if Im stronger now then I was back then. I think Im just broken. So broken inside that I decided what the heck. What can be done to me now? Death? At that point it almost was welcomed. He had given me so much pain that I cant even feel my heart. I have nothing left. Except for one thing. My children. I live for them. My sole reason for pushing onward. For breathing. I struggle and fight for our survival. I will do whatever I have to for them.
Today I broke down and realized I needed to write. I had to begin to pour this out, purge it from my soul. Its just the beginning. Everyday I have to be careful. Never knowing when he will show up and snap. Living with the fear of the pain he can bring down on me, both physically (Ive dealt with that) but emotionally- I just cant handle that anymore. I want to feel something again. Feel more then just the love I have for my children and the undying devotion I have for them. I want to feel joy in other things as well. I dont want to flinch when someone walks by. Work up the courage to look into a persons eyes and not see hatred towards me. I want to be ok again.
Finally I could take no more. A night of accusations, his denial, my proof, holes in the wall and my body held down. I finally decided no more. I had to try. The hours crept by and finally I made my way to a court house. Filed, did what I thought I could do to keep myself safe. Nothing could keep me safe though. I spent years being talked about, by people who hated my husband. They came up with awful lies, since I was connected to him, they targeted me as well. When all along, I was the biggest victim, but I stupidly allowed myself to become that victim. I could have tried to escape all those years ago when I first told him I wanted a divorce. Instead I let his threats, his fists, keep me there. I dont know if Im stronger now then I was back then. I think Im just broken. So broken inside that I decided what the heck. What can be done to me now? Death? At that point it almost was welcomed. He had given me so much pain that I cant even feel my heart. I have nothing left. Except for one thing. My children. I live for them. My sole reason for pushing onward. For breathing. I struggle and fight for our survival. I will do whatever I have to for them.
Today I broke down and realized I needed to write. I had to begin to pour this out, purge it from my soul. Its just the beginning. Everyday I have to be careful. Never knowing when he will show up and snap. Living with the fear of the pain he can bring down on me, both physically (Ive dealt with that) but emotionally- I just cant handle that anymore. I want to feel something again. Feel more then just the love I have for my children and the undying devotion I have for them. I want to feel joy in other things as well. I dont want to flinch when someone walks by. Work up the courage to look into a persons eyes and not see hatred towards me. I want to be ok again.
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