Emotional Coward

At times I wonder if Im an emotional coward. Ive been hurt so badly I dont want to put myself out there empotionally, for fear of being hurt again. Last night a good friend told me I cant let him win. That by deciding to never get involved again, that he wins, that he has made sure I will never love or be loved. Its his revenge for me not being his slave anymore, for making him leave and asking for divorce. I gotta say- that revelation made me nauseous.

So I sit here and try to view things rationally. Even if I did decide to move on and try again, it wouldnt be till the future- far future. I really want to explore who I am and who I can be. Here is my chance to become Me. Not the product of someone elses making. So Im going to try and form some relationships. On the friendship level that is. I will go and find things I like to enjoy and see if I can make friends with other women and men who enjoy the same things. So here I sit, looking inward and thinking about things I used to enjoy and wondering if Id still like them and what other things I may like. Its a small step right? Just thinking about it that is. :-)

In regards to the ex. Last night was awful. He wouldnt leave me alone. Called a few dozen times- I refused to answer. Texted non stop. Then after 10pm he showed up angry. I wouldnt let him in. I grabbed my phone ready to call the cops. Praying that they would be able to get here in time before he could do some major damage to me. I told him I was going to call for help. He sped off, burning rubber. The only thing I want is for him to follow the current custody order. He threatened to take the kids whenever he wanted and said he would tell them awful lies. Ive wanted to be fair in regards to the kids. But my god am I doing the right thing in the long run for the kids? Is he going to emotionally abuse them as well. I see how my oldest child is traumatized from this all. My middle child is lost, I can see him wavering. My youngest seems to be handling it the best, but constantly asks for us to get back together. I cant wait for them to meet the counselor and hopefully we can figure things out. I just want to do whats right.

Today he is showing up here to get his stuff. The sheriffs said they will be here for it. But they cant always be here. So I admit to it, Im afraid. It pisses me off! I am still his victim. I dont want to be a victim anymore! I want to be a role model for my kids and Ive been a poor one at that. Taking abuse for years, teaching them that that is ok. Its not ok. Its never ok for a person to abuse another person emotionally, mentally, physically or god forbid sexually.

Im not getting much sleep at night. My mind just wont shut down and give me some peace. I think the stress is just getting to be too much. Ive cried in the past few hours about all of this. Crazy. Because when I got away from him a few months ago I only cried twice. Now here I am, doing it again. Rationally I know its part of the healing process. You break down into pieces then build yourself back together. Im afraid there is going to be lots of cracks, missing pieces and lots of duct tape holding my broken pieces together.