A little Relief

So I can now go and do stuff. Visit someone, go to a random store, watch a movie, walk where ever and there shouldnt be any repercussions. No one to grill me, degrade me, abuse me. So I have plans to meet a true friend and have all our kids hang out and just enjoy some downtime. wow. It feels awesome, but also feels weird, sort of scarey knowing that when I come home an angry manipulative abuser wont be there waiting. Scarey cause its different, not scarey in a bad way, just the unknown way. God, I have a lot of readjusting to do.

Just this past week, even though I kicked him out months ago, he still drives by my work, looks for my vehical and if he doesnt see it, calls and texts me demanding to know where I am. Since I am unable to sleep much I have caught him driving by the house at all hours of the night. After the sheriffs escorted him and the last of his belongings off my property yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. He still texted me after that but I refused to respond. And I dont know if that slight relief is what did it, but I managed to sleep last night. So I have no idea if his nocturnal drive bys occured.

I wish I could move away from here and start all over, fresh. Where people dont know about the life I was forced to live. Where people who hate my ex and where people who hate me because I was connected to him, dont live. Where he doesnt live. Where his mother doesnt live. His mother, what a piece of work. My employer got ahold of me this morning and told me that dear old Mother In Law called them and ran her mouth. Go figure. Random people who are finally learning the truth have gotten ahold of me this past week and told me how she is telling people Im a devil worshiper, that Im not Christian. Wow. For starters Im the type of person who believes everyone has the right to their own beliefs, so I have nothing against anyone who practices something that I dont. But I believe in God. I just refuse to stay down on my knees for several hours a day praying for forgiveness for whatever offense I may or may not have done, like my mother in law demands. When I was pregnant with my first child I worked full time. Her son refused to support our family. So I would miss sunday service because I was working. She told me that I and my unborn baby were going to hell for not atttending every service. Over the years her teachings and her sons all boiled down to: a woman is a mans servent. A wife must do whatever her husband says. Its the wifes duty to cater to him and his every wish. A woman is not a woman, She is a doormat, a slave. Crazy right? Because even though she preaches this at home, she doesnt do it for her husband. Whats even crazier. There we would sit at the dinner table all one big happy family. Just after she had pulled her son off of me when he was hitting and choking me, it was dinner time- knock that off. Well we sit down and she begins talking about her day. About the clients she has and how she helped a woman get away from her abusive husband and how awful it is for men to do that. Everyone at the table agreed and offered to go beat the guy up. Let me mention it was me, her, her husband, my husband and brother in law at the table. side note. she runs an agency to help women and families in the community, gets them things they need, helps them get help with other programs, yada yada. Yea- mind blowing.

Obviously I have a lot of pent up emotions, and words. The point of this blog is just for me to write, get it out of me. With the hopes of eventually coming to find peace. Also, I spent so many years fearing him, knowing I wasnt allowed to tell anyone. So in a way Im not exactly telling someone. Im just writing it down, if someone happens across it, oh well. But screw that. I am not his property anymore. I can tell people the truth if I want to, and shouldnt be beaten or choked till I black out for doing it.

Whats hard is telling my family. I still really dont say much about it. They ask questions, I shrug my shoulders, shake my head yes or no or just dont comment in any way. I dont want them to look at me and see how screwed up I am, for living that way all these years. Yes, I know its not my fault. I was controlled by a master manipulater. A guy who can talk circles around politicians, make the most godly of people feel like they are evil, make the most evil people think they are good just by the words he can spew forth. But I feel that I should have known, that when the physical abuse first started, that I should have gotten away then. And because I didnt, I feel like Im the one who is wrong, the one who must have deserved the abuse.

No one deserves abuse.