Yesterday I began posting. But this all began a few months ago, or more accuratly nerly a decade ago. BUt a few months ago is when I finally managed to get him out of my home. Everyday he texts, calls, emails me. Demanding that I let him come back, telling me how much he loves, pleading his innocence, how he will change, how he is changing. And when that doesnt work he switches to anger and threats. Then back to the pleading. I am so tired of hearing him say "I Love You." I truly do not believe he knows how to love. When I had to let him have the kids for visitation today, he said those three words to me yet again. And I looked at him. I mean I really looked at him and wondered how could something so evil be so good at pretending to be good. Those three words out of his mouth make me want to puke. Yesterday I was given videos that he had taken and passed to others. Videos of him screwing other women. Yet there he stands in front of me declaring his innocence- swearing upon God and our childrens lives that he has never touched another woman since we got together nearly a decade ago. Disgusting.
I feel nothing in the terms of sadness, heartache or the million other emotions most people feel when ending a relationship. The only thing I find myself feeling is anger. And pity. I pity the girl he has manipulated and is using right now. Ive learned quite a bit about the situation and I pity her. I fear for her life as well. Because it wont be long before he abuses her and breaks her as well.
I asked a friend what am I supposed to do when this supposedly is all over. How do I move on with my life. How do I ever find the ability to trust a man again. She said I would just have to take the chance. But its scarey. Before with my husband I was the one he took everything out on. He never hurt the kids as far as I know. But if I ever bring another man into my life there will be that fear that they could hurt my kids, and I cant allow that. I guess I will just be alone.
In a few short hours I will be in a room with him. There will be another person there, but I wonder if that person realizes what they are about to witness. The way he can bring on the tears at a moments notice, the way he can manipulate what others say, how he qoutes the Old Testament to his advantage. Im tempted to let him plead his case, worm his way into the golden spot, then after he is all said and done, pull out my phone and play the videos, share the copies of texts the other women have given me. But I know what will happen. He will either lie and call the videos and texts all fakes or he will react in anger and attack. I wonder if they have security there, and how long it would take them to get to us if he loses it again.
Im tired of being broken. Once upon a time I used to smile alot. I used to hang out with friends and do lots of activities. But when I married him, he didnt allow me to hang out with my friends anymore, or leave the house to do anything. I stopped wearing shorts, began wearing long sleeves more, was pulled away from my family and became great at making excuses for so many things.
He broke my body and he broke my spirit. But Im still alive. Im healing physically. But the emotional part, Im unsure of. Im now a single mom who gets no help whatsoever and am unsure how to survive. But Im alive.
Hi Mama Sky,
ReplyDeleteI saw your post on the SDL blog.
I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know you're not alone. I went through a very similar relationship a few years ago. I had only 1 friend and no family nearby. It was just my daughter and I and I felt very alone. May 1st 2013 was the 1 year anniversary that I could finally come home to a peaceful home and not worry what type of filthy names I would be called or actions I would be falsely accused of.
I too wondered how I would love again, trust again or even adjust to the peace in my home. I was so used to chaos.
It took time, patience and leaning fully on God to move past this experience but it does happen. Allow yourself to mourn... for yourself, your children and your broken dreams. In the last year since I've been free, I've made a number of new healthy friends and have began dating which is helping restore my faith in love and in myself. I had a lot of self doubt and shame that my abuser had spewed on me. I can honestly say that now, one year later, I'm fully healed from the doubt and shame. I still have insecurities in myself, but not to the level I was feeling a year ago.
Hang in there and remember when you're lonely, there is Someone out there listening. :)
Jeremiah 29:11-14 was especially helpful to me and still is..
"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans for well-being and not for trouble to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will look for Me and find Me, when you look for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," says the Lord. "And I will bring you back and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have made you go," says the Lord. "I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you away."
Techgurl- thank you so much for your comment. For so many years I hid what my life was really like. I was both ashamed and afraid. Afraid to let people know what I was going thru because he would hurt me if I told, and ashamed because I had become this person.
ReplyDeleteKnowing that there are others out there that have gone thru this and survived this helps me a lot. I am trying to find a way to "get out" there and find ways to make friends, and your right the trust issue is big for me.
I am so happy that your life is turned around and that you are doing so great! You are a strong person for going down and surviving the roads you have traveled.I can only hope that I stay strong like you did!
Mama Sky, You are on the beginning of your journey of healing. It takes time, patience and zeal. You can do this. As a child of the universe, you have all the skills you need. They have been battered and bruised, called into question and shifted but the skills are still there. I know this, because I was you in so very many ways. Not physical violence but so much more and so wickedly harmful to your soul... I survived, I got my feet back under me, and my path was opening up. The universe will provide you with a path, a system will fall into place and you simply need to focus on it.
ReplyDeleteGoodness and mercy, kindness and love will be available to you, just quietly and privately open your soul to receive it. You don't need to announce it, just act like it's there and you will see it. As people say, 'Fake it til ya make it'.
There are scads of people who are exiting violent, toxic, miserable, broken relationships. There are groups which can offer you support, ideas, encouragement and opportunity. You will find your way. I know this.
There will be ways to reaffirm yourself, ways to create goals beyond just 'leaving this monster', venues to seek goodness and life and zest and wholeness. You will heal from this and you will then, see another person in your past situation and offer the same encouragement and love that followers here will offer you. The circle is complete when you can do that...offer information, encouragement and support.
My offering to you is to be able to see yourself in 6 months time, with work you find fulfilling, children who honor and love you as their Mama and safest place, and friends who come out to listen, encourage, and protect you as you journey forward.
Being broken isn't forever. Healing can and does happen. Toxic relationships and the exiting them, create some of the most empathetic souls on the planet.
I have more to say, but for now, feel the strength, try out your new 'free' legs....find the moments of peace and tranquility and be the advocate for yourself and your kids that you KNOW you need to be.
I send light, love and some kind of hearty, kick a$$ no nonsense energy to you sweetie.
Ann Christie- thank you. Today I went out and didnt shy away from people, I smiled directly at them and was friendly and hopeful. For so many years I wasnt allowed to make friends without his approval, so many years I kept my head down and shuffled along my way. Today my head was high. I thank you for your kind words and wisdom.
ReplyDelete