You DONT Own Me

Its been a long time since Ive written anything to post. Though countless times Ive written up posts in my head, just never had the time to get to the computer and share. So much has happened over the past few months. Once my divorce was official I really thought things would change for the better. I had hoped that those official documents would bring both peace to me, but to Him as well. I had hoped he would move on and place his focus elsewhere. But instead, he became more rude, more irritable and argumentative. I still save all the texts he sends, I try to never communicate with him except by texts, and I never want to speak to him unless its regarding the children. My poor sweet children who are mixed up in this crazy world. Who suffer because of their parents poor decisions.



We have been battling a head lice problem for two months now. They came home from their dads with it, I tackle this full force everyday they are with me, washing bedding constantly, cleaning the house like its the only way to survive and treating their hair with everything possible. By the time they go back to their dads you can not find a single egg or lice in their hair. By the time they come home their hair is crawling with it, where you can see them from a few feet away. I have tried multiple times to talk to him about how he needs to treat at his home and everyone in his home. He denies any wrong doing, claiming the kids have no lice at all. Its a battle. Everything is a battle with him. He constantly tells the children rude things about me- lies. He also encourages the kids to say mean things about my boyfriend. And when the kids are with him and they me or my BF he will yell at them for waving or saying hi. He truly does not care about the damage he does to them. It hurts so much.



All the kids are still in counseling. My oldest needs it the most since she is the most effected by her father. She believes everything he says and he truly enjoys manipulating her. But she is dead set on protecting her dad. Counseling has been useless because she refuses to say anything about her dad, about what he does. And Im sad to say her and my relationship has been so rocky and I don't know how to fix it. Her dad tells her his made up stories, justifying everything he does. Telling her how I ruined our family, how he is Gods gift to mankind and how Im the devil incarnate. So when she comes home and questions me, wants to know my "side" of the story she isn't given one. I tell her I love her, that she is too young to know about everything that happened, that he is her father and I wont say something bad about him to her. So she says, "Dad told me the truth. You wont tell me because your a liar." It breaks my heart. I wont lie. I wish I could just grab her and tell her, Your dad is a liar, he is a manipulator, he steals peoples identity's, is being investigated for multiple frauds, he has endangered countless lives, he abused me badly for years and he is just a piece of shit. But I don't. I wont be him and damage her love for a parent.



Something pretty big is happening. I know many people may be against it. Citing timing as one of the main reasons. But its happened and I am happy. I spoke with my drs and we decided to have a child. I wanted at least one more child and now was my last shot at it. Im not getting any younger and my body wont last forever. So we are taking it careful and enjoying every moment of it. My baby is healthy and so am I. All of us, including the children and my family are excited. But ever since the kids mentioned it to their father he has been enraged. He has stepped up his antics. Stalking around our house all the time. Screaming obscenities at us when he sees us. Going back to his threatening/intimidating behavior. The police have been involved a couple of times so far. Once by him, lying and saying we were attacking him. The second time when I photographed what he was doing on/by my property. The cops laid into him for it I suppose, because since then I haven't seen him stalking around the property anymore - unless he is doing it at night when we are sleeping, or when Im not home. But many people are worried about what he is going to do next. Everyone that has met him knows how mentally unstable he is. They truly worry he will physically hurt us or the children. And for how Im doing during this- well its brought back memories. Especially when he stood outside my home the other day screaming that he owned me, that Im his fucking wife, this is his fucking house and his fucking cars and so on. Im NOT his. He never paid a penny towards this house, and my cars are new , purchased long after we ended. He is psychotic.

Legally lawfully happily divorced

So I've been official divorced for awhile now.
Yes it's only a piece of paper but it makes a world of difference. When it arrived in the mail I stares at it then I called the court house and spoke to a clerk. I asked them to confirm it was indeed a divorce. She congratulated me and told me celebrate. Apparently everyone knows my ex and agrees he should do the world a favor and not be in anyone's lives in any form.

I've been happily legally changing my name and removing what was left of the stain he had left on me. My children are thriving when with me. But it's another story he. They are at their dads. Homework is usually failing grades, half the time he won't send them to school, they come home sick/misbehaving/ and more. It kills me that nothing can be done. I've been offered money to go back to court and terminate his rights/visitation. But I'm struggling with how to best do this. It's a fine line to walk when it comes to my kids. He is their biological father and they love him. But they also would be 100% better off to not have a psychotic bipolar compulsive lying abusive deadbeat on their lives.

As for me I am doing well. Happy and in love. Living and growing. Dreaming and building a new life. It's pretty damn good feeling to be free of an abusive marriage.

Given only to be taken away

I had something wonderful happen. A true miracle. I was waiting to shout about it. I was making plans and getting ready to prepare for this beautiful amazing miraculous omg event. But then tragedy struck. And when I found out, I found myself crying in the shower. I found myself staring into space. I found myself in a trancelike state and it wasnt a good place for me.

But I'm a mom and I had to drag myself up and put on a smile and pretend that all was right in my world. I did fun things with the kids and I kept tellin the one person who knew what was really going on - that I was "fine". I'm ok." But I'm not. I'm devastated by what I learned. And honestly I truly am afraid of how they really feel about it too. They say its ok. They say all the right things which should be great. But I still have that scared insecure person inside of me somewhere and that person is hiding in the corner with her eyes peekin out from behind her hair. Tears leaking and quiet sniffles and gasps escaping as I try to hold it in and hide it all. That girl who knew that everything she was told was a lie and to expect the worst any moment. I just tried to shove that girl back into that hidden place inside of me. I am strong. Right? I have to be. I will survive what I just learned. He said we can make it through this. But a part of me worries that I can't fully survive what happened. Something special that was mine was taken away. Something I can't get back.

Life is Beautiful

Things are wonderful. Life is great. My children are amazing. My love is strong and real. And the choice I decided to make is possibly happening. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

He signed

He signed the divorce papers. It was a battle to get him to this point. We sat down a couple weeks ago and he state his terms- wanting me to sign a paper stating I can never say anything that could in anyway be viewed negatively for him. Even if it was the truth. He also wanted me to give him my tax return. I laughed deep inside as I watched his face go from disbelief to anger when he was told because I have placement of the children that makes it so I am the only one entitled to claiming them. He was enraged to lean that legally he can't leach off of me anyone. And his anger intensified when he looked at me and realized that he couldn't beat me into submission or bully me into doing as he demands. He claimed he didn't want a divorce, that he wanted to be with me. That he had never did anything wrong and all the blame was on me. Whatever. I know the truth. And people are finally learning the truth about him.

I refused to sign his bs paper- statin my lawyer would need to review it. A week later we went back and he said nothing. Signed the divorce and left. A collective sigh file the room after the door shut behind him. We couldn't believe he didn't start trouble. Now all I have to do is wait for the judge to sign it and I receive the papers in the mail making it official. I'm so happy.

I'm happy for many other reasons besides being legally free from the monster who sadistically abused me for years. I'm doing good in life. Getting on track besides the continuees bumps along the way. I have an amazing man in my life who I love and who loves me. Life can be very short so you need to do what makes you happy, what you want. And even if the ones who care for you don't agree with it, go ahead and do it. It's your life. You only get one. So despite the timing I have decided to go ahead and do something many may view as not smart. But it's what I want. I won't say what it is yet. Unveiling that will have it's own time and place. I will know when the time is right. But just know its what I want. Even with the opposition I will face I am ready and willing to struggle thru it. My heart wants it badly and my mind has weighed in and I'm doing it.

I am Happy.

Finally, possibly,

Tonight I'm supposed to sit in a room with him. If he shows up and agrees we can finally sign papers for a divorce. Honestly I am terrified. Not of finally getting what I so desperately want. But of having to be in the same room as him. Him being so close. He has been threatening me again lately. Saying off the wall crazy junk and intimidating me in any way he can. I want the divorce. I want this one extra step of freedom away from him. I wish I could have him 100% out of my life and my kids lives. It sickens me that he is still able to abuse me. It's not physical anymore- though I truly believe if he had the chance he would, it's only emotionally/mentally now.
Why won't he stop? Why won't this end.

Once I had a restraining order against him. And when he found out he became so angry so dangerous I knew that he was gonna kill me and there was nothing I could do to stop him. He gave me two choices. Take the order off and live or he would get me and make me wish I had never been born. And the sad thing is he was telling me the truth. That piece of paper wasnt gonna stop him- what was I gonna do- try to give him a paper it with it, crumple it into a ball and throw it at him as I try to run away?! I looked into his eyes and took the only option I could that would t result in my immediate death or near death. I took off the order. I wish I had an order so I could at least call the cops every time he stalks me. I'm tired of him always appearing whenever I go somewhere. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid that this game he is playing is gonna cause me to have a break down.
I just want to escape from him

The first time he hit me

Last night I had a nightmare. I was reliving first time he really hurt me. I was sitting at the computer, my heart on the ground, my stomach revolting as I read the emails between him and another woman. Here I was pregnant with his child, the child he demanded we try for. And the real reason he wanted a 2nd chd? To try and force me to stay, give him more leverage over me. Well there I was pregnant and reading the shocking things they had said to each other. When suddenly he walks into the room and screams at me, grabs me and slams me thru the chair and onto the ground. He kicked me and is yelling and slamming stuff. I curled into a ball to try and protect my unborn baby. He pulls me up and slams me against a wall, rips his wedding ring off an throws it across the room. He slams me repeatedly against the wall while yelling in my face. Then tosses me into the room and demands I find his run or he will kill me. The entire time I am crying, terrified he is going to kill my baby and me. Terrified he is going to kill our daughter who is strapped into her car seat listening to the brutality her father is creating.

Eventually he calmed down. But he wouldn't let me talk to anyone or see anyone for a few days. I had to pretend to forgive him. I had to apologize for upsetting him. Then he finally let me use the car and the first thing I did was go to the sheriffs. I made a complaint but then I became terrified of what would happen next. The officer practically begged me to file charges so they could arrest him. But I was scared and didn't do it. The report is there on file. A reference point to the first time he became physical enough to leave bruises and cause me to limp painfully to the sheriffs. I should have let them help me. But I didn't want to be known as a victim. But it was to late for that.

I woke from this nightmare and layed awake for hours. So upset that I had ever became involved with such a cruel madman. So upset that he is in mine and the children's lives. I do not love him. I do not care for him at all. I hate him. I know for a fact that I never truly loved him. I cared for him once upon a time but it wasn't love. I know what love feels like now.

Heart hurts

My heart hurts for my children. Today my youngest and I were playing and out of no where she asks me if [enter name] who is my bf, well asks if can be her stepdad. I'm silent, scrambling to come up with an answer. So I turn it around and ask her why she asked me that. She told me she would like him to be her stepdad. I ask why exactly? She responded with "because my real dad is mean to me." I just hugged her and told her I loved her an that I was so sorry that he is mean. I didn't want to grill her and get specifics because that would upset her. But I went over how certai things are bad and how no one is allowed to do them to her, how she can tell me or a teacher no matter what the person who hurts her says.
Every time when the day comes for them to go to their dads for visitation I feel like a monster for making them go. They tell me they don't want to go. But I can't keep them from him. Why is it that the law isn't letting me keep my kids safe? They make me send them to a man who was accused of molesting two girls years ago. A man who steals identities, a man who drives with no license, a man who doesn't use car seats for my kids, a man who physically and emotionally abused me for years, a man who owes a ton of money in child support for another child he has, a man who wouldn't pay support if I went for it for my kids, a man who is so brutally mentally unstable that I truly fear one day he will kill someone.
I wish I could take my kids and hide us. I don't want them exposed to his abuse mentally and or physically ever again.

Did he hurt them?

For so long I tried to ignore something that I feared. I mean in the beginning things didnt seem as bad. I was blindsided by feelings that I used to try and cover up what really was going on. You see once upon a time I had a stepdaughter. She was the most beautiful little baby girl that I had seen when I first met her. Huge chubby cheeks and a little smile. Now Ive always been very maternal so I just zeroed in on that baby and was enthralled. I loved holding her and taking care of her. Those moments were wonderful and she was such a loving little baby. But all good things come to an end right. Well as she started to learn to babble she would call me mama and I would correct her and tell her my name. It was the right thing to do, because you see she had a mama. Then one day her mama came to pick her up and that sweet lil baby reached back for me and said "mama" in front of her mother. All hell broke loose after that moment.

What mother wouldnt be hurt and upset when their child clearly prefers someone else and calls that other person mama. But from that moment on we had to face countless allegations of child abuse, her refusing to let us have her for visits and non stop back and forth bickering. And all through it I just continued to love that child and be the one who took care of her. Im the one who taught her to crawl, to walk. I helped her reach all her milestones because in truth, her mother was to busy trying to put herself backtogether after the divorce. Post partum depression played a big roll in the reason why she and her baby didnt connect that first year. And secretly I really wished she would put her child first. But it didnt matter that I was doing what any sane woman would want someone to do for their child. Treat there child with love and care for them. You see, my ex wasnt doing his job. He never had and never will most likely. He ignored her, and became caught up in the game his ex was playing. Trying to hurt the other person, using the baby as a pawn.

Those first couple years were hell. But then it happened. An accident, all newly learning to walk toddlers will fall and bump into things and one bruise sparked a war that was out of control. From that moment on I never wanted to be left alone with her. I was terrfied of being accused of hurting her. It didnt even matter that I could provide proof that I was no wheres around, that I had time sheets and security videos from work proving i was at work when the mother would make an accusation. It was non stop. It was to the point where I didnt want to go home when my poor sweet stepchild was there because I was afraid of being accused of hurting her.

Ill never forget when that lil toddler came for a visit and told my inlaws and my ex and me that her stepdad was hurting her 'down there'. And the attending dr at the hospital saying there wasnt enough scarring to prove anything. The cops and the cps workers standing in the hospital turned to the mother and told her she had two choices. Kick her boyfriend out of the house or the child could not go back to the house. You know who she chose? She chose to keep her boyfriend. She laughed when she was told the accusations, she kissed him and hugged him and didnt try to comfort her little girl. I was so sick to my stomach. But countless court battles never led anywhere. You see, this county we live in is small. And the mothers family was very good friends with the judge and in fact the mom had gone to school with a couple of the cps workers. Our request for a seperate county cps to investigate was denied and we werent allowed a different judge. So despite my husband beating me, as far as I knew he had never laid a hand on the children. And I felt that our home would have been better for the child then her mothers home. At least she would be physically safe here and loved and put first. But no such luck.

This cycle of allegations between the two houses went on for years. I had hoped that if the mothers thought I didnt care anymore, that I didnt want her as my daughter, that maybe she would back off, maybe she would end this awful evil game of hers. But that didnt work either. Then the final time happened. I wasnt even in the same county. I was hospitalized almost an hour away during her visit. But even then she accused me. That was that. I gave up 100%. I couldnt keep going through it. Call me an awful person but I couldnt risk my own children anymore. So no more visits in my home. The ex was granted supervised visits only from then on.

Now as far as I had known he had never hurt the children. But I look back and that last time really offers no other explanation. Did he do it? Did he hurt her. Was he doing it all along? For the most part once she became a toddler my interaction with her lessened to almost nill due to all the bs going on. So when he had visits he was alone with her alot. It sickens me to think he was probably abusing her the entire time just to use it and turn it around and blame her mother. Now niether the mother or my ex were good people. But to think I was living with a man who may have been physically harming a child the entire time makes me want to throw up. Im lost. Im scared and Im teetering on an edge of I have no clue what. But if he had been hurting her the entire time, could he be hurting my children too? The other day in front of people I asked my son how he had gotten a mark on his face. I fully expected him to tell me his little sister had done it to him. But his answer shocked me and made the blood pound in my ears and the room spin. He told me how his father had picked him up and threw him off the bed onto the floor against the wall. He then showed me a bump on his head hidden by his hair.

What do I do. Because I dont want my kids over there at all. And going through the cps battles all over again will be never ending. I really fucked up. Not just my life, but my childrens lives as well. I chose a monster to be their biological father and now this nightmare of a man is in their lives and I have no idea how to get him out of the picture.

But it was the truth

So what happened the other day shook me pretty bad but thankfully everything worked out for what will hopefully turn out to be the better. Put some things into prospective for me n I didn't like the crystal clear picture that I was presented with. Decided to make some changes.

Now I know I'm not perfect, no one is. I haven't handled things well most of the time. But you live, you learn, you regret, you forgive, you move on. At one point in the beginning of the end of it all with "him" I let the anger and pain take hold. I was so upset by some things I had learned that I acted out in a moment of pure hatred. In the scheme of things what I did in that moment does t even register a blip compared to the years of physical and emotional abuse he put me through. But I regret it. Because I definetly was not being the better person in that moment. I wrote the truth and let it be known. And of course many saw and applauded me, became disgusted with him and the women, and in truth some looked down on me for admitting what had happened because I had stayed for so long. Whatever. I uses to look down on others who stayed in bad relationships, I had no right, I learned that once I had been put in "their shoes". Now if I could remove it I would. Not because it wasn't true- every word of it was the truth and it was a tone down version of the truth. It didn't me ruin how abusive he was, how evil he had been exactly. Just stated the fact and yes the tone of it was peppered with my anger n pain. But I shouldn't have done that. Because no matter how much of a truly evil disgusting abusive manipulative law breaking piece of poo he really is- despite that, he is the father of my kids. And I regret it. But it was the truth.

Fearing Answers

Despite being targeted by people who enjoy hurting the innocent, I began coping and ignoring it. Things were going great. I've been so happy. I had my amazing children and I had my sweet boyfriend. But the past three days Ive been thrown into a vicious twister of pain, doubts, fears and countless years. The worst part of it is the unknown. I have no clue what's going on and the one person who can clarify everything for me has vanished. I have no idea if they are dead or alive. And the waiting is torturing me to the point where I am physically sick over it. I don't want my fears over what this is to come true. I don't think I can handle it if they do. But the not knowing is prolonging it. I just want answers and because I have my babies, I will have to survive whatever these answers are. I have no other choice.

Tired

Im tired. Im tired of being targetted just because of him. So many people hate him and for some reason he gets away with everything, so they then turn their anger onto me. Making up awful evil things and attacking me and my kids. Ive lived with this for a near decade. Just because I was connected to him, they wanted to hurt me. And hurt me they did. The most horrifying untrue awful things possible I was accused of. It didnt matter that I could provide proof that it wasnt me. Nothing I could do mattered. I fought against it so long and never could get anyone to care about the truth, just the sensational part about it made it happen. Eventually I gave up and just "walked" away from it mentally/physically/emotionally. Though emotionally I still cry over it all. I know Im innocent and I know what really happened and it kills me that parts of it are still happening, but Im not involved anymore and they cant blame me for it, and without an easy scapegoat it goes on unnoticed.

I admit to something that is awful. At times the pressure/stress from all of that gets to me and I think to myself, because of him I will always be a target by others. And nothing I do will ever get me away from it. So the awful thing I do is, I wish I could give up and not exist anymore. Then I wouldnt have to deal with being such an easy target. How is that fair? Because of him I pay a price I dont deserve. The only thing I did that was wrong was becoming involved with him. The bad things I was accused of were him, not me. It didnt matter that I could provide proof that I was miles away when they happened and he was the one right there. So how is it fair and besides that, they attack me for anything and everything. All because I made the mistake of becoming involved with my ex. I paid my price a hundred times over. My ex made sure of that with the abuse. I chose him and in return I lived a emotionally and physically abusive life. But these people who hate him, they want to feel stronger and they enjoy picking on the weaker ones and since they cant bring him down easily, they in turn target me.

Even with me finally being strong enough to escape him and the lie I had to live. even with that I cant get away it seems. These people dont care that they are hurting my children. They dont care about the innocent lives they destroy. They care nothing for anyone but theirselves and what makes them happy. And they want my ex destroyed and in the process they happily will destroy me and my kids for they enjoy hurting as many as they can.

If it quacks like a duck...

Once again He lands hisself in hot water but he throws the blame on everyone else. Many people contributed to an investigation that is still on going where he is targeted for fraud, identity theft and much more. This morning I woke to phone calls, texts and FB msgs from many people both friend and strangers sending me links to an article. And all I can do is shake my head.

I want to shout with glee that he is once again being outed. But whats the point? As a master manipulator he will find his way out of this again. Innocent people will be the ones who pay the price. My children and I always pay the price for the stunts he pulls. I made the mistake of commenting on someones post about it. I stated a fact not directly related to the article, and not long after I recieved a msg from him telling me he was getting me for slander. I didnt respond to him. Its not slander if its the truth and at this very moment thousands of people are working towards exposing him.

So what does this mean for my children and I? No doubt tomorrow when the kids go to school they will be targeted by other children about this. Children whose parents do not like Him or who dont like me just because I was connected to him, well they will tell their kids about this and have their kids confront my children about it. My kids are the ones who will be hurt by this. And theres nothing I can do. The only thing I could do is pack them up and move far away from here and never admit to any connection to him once we find a new place to live. But I cant do that because he has his illegal grimy hands hooked into me through custody with the kids. He gets visitation and I cant take the kids away from him because it would mess up the visitation. All I can do is wish he would decide to forget about the kids and let them go. Or maybe, just maybe justice will prevail for once and he would end up in prison. If he is in prison how could he stop me from moving away?

If I had the money I would go back to court right now and fight for full custody with him getting nothing but supervised visitation on rare occasions so that way the children and I could move. So my children wont be forced to hear his lies and suffer his verbal mind fuck abuse. I cant take out a loan big enough to cover the costs for a lawyer that I would need for this court battle. So unless money appeared out of no where or if I won the lotto, well the kids and I are screwed. It makes me feel like a failure that I cant protect my kids from his bs.

Naviagtion

Ive been trying to navigate this whole dating world and continue navigating the entire Im a single parent with a piece of shit ex world. Its been quite the trip. The ex, well he is the same as always. A narcistic abusive asshole who thinks the entire world owes him something. He doesnt like the fact that Ive gotten on with my life. That I no longer cower when a shadow appears. That I no longer give him all of my paycheck, that I no longer fear him with such a passion that I couldnt manage to make a decision without his permission.

Instead here I am. I support me and my children. Yea I dont make much money but I try and damnit Ive succeeded. I finally bit the bullet and took out a loan I couldnt afford and got myself a car. And its a nice one, or at least to me it is. Because now I can fit all the kids in and they dont have to be crammed against one another. Thank God for Third Row seating. Ive began slowly cleaning out the house. Tossing out stuff that I havent used, no point in keeping something that I may someday need. Seriously, I hate clutter and I hate knick knacks so this is uplifting for me. I walk thru a room and just grab something off a shelf and toss it in the garbage. Why the heck did I keep that decorative crap? Decorative equals more dusting, so screw it.

My boyfriend... Sounds weird to use that word. Makes me feel like Im back in highschool. Well there is no other term for it really, so My BF has been amazing. I enjoy spending time with him and miss him when he isnt here. Its been a bit tricky. Im trying to balance the time the kids are home as the time when the BF isnt here. I dont want the kids to feel like he is cutting in on their time. But at the same time I want them to get to know him and hopefully eventually if this relationship works out the way we both have discussed, well one day living together. Were both in it for the long haul as long as we continue to mesh well. And the meshing has gone great. The few times he has been around the kids its gone well. Of course my oldest is still having a difficult time with it. The ex tells them kids not to like my BF, he says quite a bit of awful rude BS. But thats the type of guy he is. I can only hope that the kids will be strong enough to survive it all.

Once again Im forced to spend money to potentially make money. I have a rental property and finding good tenants is nearly impossible. With the current ones nearly $2grand behind in payments Im now forced to find money I dont have to pay my lawyer to take these scum to court. Drives me nuts. I have never been able to understand how people can have no morals. How they have no shame in using people and hurting others. These tenants and my ex would probably be best friends if they met.

Occasionally I come across a piece of me that had broken off during those years and I pick it back up and fit it back in like a puzzle piece. I think pretty soon I am going to be whole again, or more like I will still have pieces missing but I will be an entire new me.

New Year, New life.

Its a new year. Many people have started it out with resolutions that they hope to keep. Diets, relationships, work, everything. I did not make one. I started one last year when I finally became strong enough or broken enough to end a marriage that had slowly yet surely been killing me. I stood up for myself for the first time in a long time and said I had had enough. I wasnt going to allow that man to abuse me physically and emotionally any more.

Since then I have grown into a stronger person. I have learned to love myself again. I have self worth. I have a life. I live for me, I live for my children. I wont let anyone bring me down again. And now when I look back onto those times I know that they happened for a reason. That reason is becoming more clear to me everyday.

He was a pathetic excuse of a man, not a real man. Even now he still tries to trouble my life but I stick to my 'guns' and refuse to let him break me or try to ruin my newfound happiness. He tries to brainwash the kids, the other day having one of them call me and I could hear him in the background coaching my child on what to say to me. All awful stuff. When my kiddos come home I talk with them and remind them of how they know the truth and they have the right to form their own opionions and be who they are. Not what someone tries to make them. I fear for my children. Their father is doing everything he can to ruin their lives in the long run. I just wish I could take my children and move away from here, away from him. Give my children a fresh start where the taint of him wont reach as easily. But its not possible right now. He still controls me in some ways and thats in making it so I cant leave this area.

Its a sad thing when you dont know how to react to someone treating you right. To someone showing you kindness, doing something nice for you. To someone caring for you and wanting to love you. Its almost like a deer in the headlights. Your frozen, you dont know if you should keep moving to the front, left or right or to throw it in reverse. I stare blindly at a gift and wonder what am I supposed to do now? Stuttering out a thank you but a part of your brain is running a mile a second wondering if its a trick, if something bad is going to follow, what strings are attached? But then guess what. There is nothing tagged along with these simple acts of kindness of love. All that is attached is love, followed by more love. And its wonderful. And I want to give that in return.