I had something wonderful happen. A true miracle. I was waiting to shout about it. I was making plans and getting ready to prepare for this beautiful amazing miraculous omg event. But then tragedy struck. And when I found out, I found myself crying in the shower. I found myself staring into space. I found myself in a trancelike state and it wasnt a good place for me.
But I'm a mom and I had to drag myself up and put on a smile and pretend that all was right in my world. I did fun things with the kids and I kept tellin the one person who knew what was really going on - that I was "fine". I'm ok." But I'm not. I'm devastated by what I learned. And honestly I truly am afraid of how they really feel about it too. They say its ok. They say all the right things which should be great. But I still have that scared insecure person inside of me somewhere and that person is hiding in the corner with her eyes peekin out from behind her hair. Tears leaking and quiet sniffles and gasps escaping as I try to hold it in and hide it all. That girl who knew that everything she was told was a lie and to expect the worst any moment. I just tried to shove that girl back into that hidden place inside of me. I am strong. Right? I have to be. I will survive what I just learned. He said we can make it through this. But a part of me worries that I can't fully survive what happened. Something special that was mine was taken away. Something I can't get back.
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