Given only to be taken away

I had something wonderful happen. A true miracle. I was waiting to shout about it. I was making plans and getting ready to prepare for this beautiful amazing miraculous omg event. But then tragedy struck. And when I found out, I found myself crying in the shower. I found myself staring into space. I found myself in a trancelike state and it wasnt a good place for me.

But I'm a mom and I had to drag myself up and put on a smile and pretend that all was right in my world. I did fun things with the kids and I kept tellin the one person who knew what was really going on - that I was "fine". I'm ok." But I'm not. I'm devastated by what I learned. And honestly I truly am afraid of how they really feel about it too. They say its ok. They say all the right things which should be great. But I still have that scared insecure person inside of me somewhere and that person is hiding in the corner with her eyes peekin out from behind her hair. Tears leaking and quiet sniffles and gasps escaping as I try to hold it in and hide it all. That girl who knew that everything she was told was a lie and to expect the worst any moment. I just tried to shove that girl back into that hidden place inside of me. I am strong. Right? I have to be. I will survive what I just learned. He said we can make it through this. But a part of me worries that I can't fully survive what happened. Something special that was mine was taken away. Something I can't get back.

Life is Beautiful

Things are wonderful. Life is great. My children are amazing. My love is strong and real. And the choice I decided to make is possibly happening. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.

He signed

He signed the divorce papers. It was a battle to get him to this point. We sat down a couple weeks ago and he state his terms- wanting me to sign a paper stating I can never say anything that could in anyway be viewed negatively for him. Even if it was the truth. He also wanted me to give him my tax return. I laughed deep inside as I watched his face go from disbelief to anger when he was told because I have placement of the children that makes it so I am the only one entitled to claiming them. He was enraged to lean that legally he can't leach off of me anyone. And his anger intensified when he looked at me and realized that he couldn't beat me into submission or bully me into doing as he demands. He claimed he didn't want a divorce, that he wanted to be with me. That he had never did anything wrong and all the blame was on me. Whatever. I know the truth. And people are finally learning the truth about him.

I refused to sign his bs paper- statin my lawyer would need to review it. A week later we went back and he said nothing. Signed the divorce and left. A collective sigh file the room after the door shut behind him. We couldn't believe he didn't start trouble. Now all I have to do is wait for the judge to sign it and I receive the papers in the mail making it official. I'm so happy.

I'm happy for many other reasons besides being legally free from the monster who sadistically abused me for years. I'm doing good in life. Getting on track besides the continuees bumps along the way. I have an amazing man in my life who I love and who loves me. Life can be very short so you need to do what makes you happy, what you want. And even if the ones who care for you don't agree with it, go ahead and do it. It's your life. You only get one. So despite the timing I have decided to go ahead and do something many may view as not smart. But it's what I want. I won't say what it is yet. Unveiling that will have it's own time and place. I will know when the time is right. But just know its what I want. Even with the opposition I will face I am ready and willing to struggle thru it. My heart wants it badly and my mind has weighed in and I'm doing it.

I am Happy.