Surviving the Holidays

Well christmas is finally over and the children are all overjoyed with their gifts. Its been a crazy few days but in the end everything turned out.

My birthday weekend was spent in the woods in a tiny tent, in the rain. And it was great. The end of christmas day was spent in the hospital after my oldest came home from a visit with him. Apparently an allergic reaction to some unknown thing at his place. Severe enough where they want an Epipen kept on hand at all times just in case it happens again. Last night brought out the asshole in him. I knew the past couple weeks of him being nicish wouldnt last. He became irrate and angry with me. Saying everything was my fault that she had an allergic reaction to something in his parents home. Accused me of being irresponsible for not being there when it happened, for not handling it for him. When he informed me that there was a problem I immediatly began driving for his place to get her. I was 30 mins away and I made it in half that time. I took her to the hospital, while he took a shower, went out to get a bite to eat then showed up to see how she was doing cuz she asked him to come. But thats right. Im the one at fault. puhlease.

My childrens cat had to be put to sleep. Cancer riddled his body and he was in too much pain to keep fighting it any longer. It dampened the holidays but it was the right thing to do. My brother dug a hole in the frozen ground for us and my friend burried him for me. I stayed silent, didnt want to break down. It was just a cat, but still, he was a family member. This year has brought a lot of grief.

My goal over the next couple months is to get rid of anything that we dont actually use every month. No point in keeping it for a future day. I want to make it so when the time comes to pack up and move, it wont be such a hassel. And I damn well plan on moving. Yes I only have a couple years left on this mortgage, but I cant stay in this house any longer. Its time to start fresh, start over new somewhere else. Build new memories without the taint of old nightmares.

The someone special in my life is to damn special. My family likes him and my family never likes anyone. And me. Well Im scared to death but happy. I havent been happy with someone in a near decade. Being treated with respect, being cared for. Its a new experiance. Im still holding back, but I want to make sure what i feel is real. Not just a flash emotion to all this new stuff. But my mind is finally ready to accept what my heart is saying.

I think I might...

The other night my children took me out to dinner for an early birthday celrebation. I had so much fun spending time with them and a couple other family members. It being so close to christmas its really hit home with everything thats happened, I appreciate my family so much. In just a couple hours the kiddos will be coming home early from school and the start of xmas vacation begins. And of course the weather is now warming up and all that fun snow is slowly melting. Which stinks. I was prepared to to make ice igloos with the kids.

This weekend Im going on a camping trip which has me super excited. Originally we were going to snowshoe in a few miles then pitch a tent and totally take on the freezing temperatures. Now its going to rain the forecast says, so Im sure this will be an interesting trip. But either way Im still excited. I havent been able to go camping in a near decade. Im hoping I can handle the hiking pack which will surely feel heavy very fast after trekking thru the deep snow.

Whats been bothering me lately is the fact that I second guess everyones intentions. I spent so many years living with a liar that I cant help but wonder if anything anyone says is the truth. And I worry that this is going to negativly effect me because I have a hard time with trust now. But Im working through it. Im trying. And everytime I am given a compliment, everytime I hear a story, everytime my hand is held, my heart cracks open a tiny bit more. To be loved you need to love. And love needs trust. And Im pretty sure I am starting to trust. I think I might be ready to let go and open up.

But some bad or sad news has to happen. Today I will be taking the family cat to the vet to be put to sleep. He has been battling an illness for quite sometime and I had hoped he would make it past christmas but its time. And my kids are so heartbroken over it. Ive made it as clear as possible to friends and family that no matter what I do NOT want anyone bringing over a kitten/cat as a gift, now or in the future. We are done. Its just so heartbreaking to lose our furry friends. And at some point in the near future he said he was going to finally come and take his dog. So once that happens it will leave us with just two pets left in the house. And one of them may be leaving soon as well. Its hard making all these decisions but I need to do whats right for my children and for the animals. Now that Ive typed my way into a depressed mood I better get off of here and go cuddle that annoyingly pain in the butt cat and cry how much I will miss him.

Goodbye. Hello. Peace.

I faced Him the other day during mediation regarding custody changes. A few slight things were changed just to make it easier for both of us and for the kids. It went well. Until afterwards he confronted me and told me he loved me and that he had made a mistake. But its too late, it was too late years ago. I told him all we can do is move forward with our lives and learn to communicate and get along for the childrens sakes. Coparent seperatly. Because We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.

I had the talk with the kids about how its ok for their father to date. How they have the right to like his girlfriend, or form whatever opionion they want to. But how they should base it on how that person is. All that matters is that his girlfriend treats them right. I asked them how they felt when they have met his girlfriends, how if they were upset by it or happy by it. We discussed everything they wanted to. And I feel it went well. I even broached the same subject but geared towards me and a boyfriend. How they would feel. In the spirit of childrens innocence their only concern was if I would kiss a boyfriend in front of them, because kissing is icky. I laughed and they laughed and Im hoping Im going about things the right way. My kids are my main concern and I dont want to mess anything up.

So in all honesty I have met someone. I cant put my feelings into words at this time. I worry that its too soon. Have I healed enough to put myself back out there? Am I doing a diservice to this guy by seeing him at this point in my life? And thanks to the crap the ex put me thru- Am I good enough for him? And you know what. I am. In fact Im pretty damn amazing. And this guy. Well he is beyond amazing. No ones perfect, but we maybe perfect for eachother. He understands how fragile I am. He accepts the fact that Im scared and cautious. He is willing to stand by me and offer a hand if I need it, or just words and when its needed/when its wanted, open arms to hold me. When I think about him I smile. When I recieve a text from him Im like a giddy teenager. And when Im next to him a peace falls over me. But we are simliar in a lot of things. Were both so shy and nervous around one another. All I can do is be who I am. And right now, Im a woman who is tentively putting her heart back out there and at this moment someone is slowly stealing it and hopefully putting it into safekeeping.

Stronger Then Before

I dont write as much as I could. There are times where I just need to process everything and keep it to myself for awhile, or sometimes forever. Its been quite a journey since I became strong enough to escape my nightmare of a marriage. For so long I thought I was a weak person. I stayed in a situation because it was "easier". Well maybe it was "easier" but it was also "Harder". That near decade of hell also had moments of heaven. Without me ever meeting Him, I would never have had my children. And they truly have made everything worth it. But I dont only live for my kids now. I live for myself now too.

Ive forgiven myself for anything I felt that I needed to. Anything I held against myself. Ive moved on. Ive found peace with all of that. And as for him, well I wont lie. There are days where I have 'forgiven' him. Not in the sense that its ok. But more like in the sense that its the past, I want to move on, I wont let what happened hurt me anymore. He was a part of my life for so long. And he was a bad bad person. But he had very random occasional nice moments and those rare moments of happiness did happen. I wont lie and hide those times from my memory. That isnt healing, thats sticking your head in the sand.

This past year has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. In truth the marriage was over within months of the "I Do's". And right after our last child was born it drastically worsened due to His actions. I wanted out so badly. Each following year we grew further apart, his behavior became worse and eventually we truly were two people living together seperately, play acting occasionally for others. He was having his cake and eating it too. I pasted on a happy smile for people to see, for my kids. I had shrivelled up inside from his cruel treatment. It was only a matter of time before I gave up or he killed me.

But since then I have learned to love myself. Be strong, be optimistic, to believe in not only others but in myself. And I know I will have bad days now and then. We all do. But I also know the good will outweigh the bad. And it has been. I have found happiness with myself. With my kids. And with others. Circumstances make or break you. And I really thought I was broken. But guess what. Im put back together and Im stronger then before.

Smiling

This week has been amazing. Even the junk he has tried to pull hasnt lessened my joy. Three days of wonderfulness and one of them was the absolute best. I felt so calm, relaxed and most importantly cared for. Im looking forward to the rest of the week and the fact that tomorrow is thanksgiving makes it even better. I love to cook and cant wait to sit down with my children and family and enjoy.

Time to shut off this computer and go read to my kiddos. Cuddle them and tuck them into bed.

I have so much to look forward to. So much to be thankful for. So much to live for. Ive managed to put most of my pieces back together. And my future looks so bright.

Ghost

Nightmares pretty much have ruined any chance of sleep the past few days. He haunted me in real life for so many years now he is attacking me in my dreams. I woke up gasping and screaming this morning. I had dreamt he was sneaking into my house and watching me. That he had attacked me like he had done so many times in the past. Then the dream became the most horrifying thing possible. Because of him, my youngest was dead, my oldest missing and my middle child traumatized. I wasnt able to fall back to sleep after that. I was so worked up from it I ended up texting him to see how the children were. As I drove into work I cried the whole way. Kept reliving the dream and had to battle myself from turning the car around and going to see my kids. I dont want to go to sleep tonight.

To top this wonderful day off, as I walked from my mailbox he drove up and stopped to say something. Seeing him in person just shocked me. I was terrified. He even made a comment on how I looked like Id seen a ghost. Well he is my ghost. My personal demon who haunts the shit out of me. Not to mention he had texted something earlier that hinted at him eventually going for custody. I cant handle this. I just recieved a repair bill for my furnace, $500 due within 10 days of getting the bill. Lets toss in the other bills due this month too and Im left with no idea how to swing this. And with christmas around the corner, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Meanwhile he has it so damn easy. No bills, no worries, his mama gives him a home and food and pays for anything he wants, and whatever she may not cover, his girlfriends do. That man has never had to take care of hisself and he is older then I am.

Here I am, inside my house. I had planned on going out and doing a few things. But seeing him, just unsettled me so much. I dont know what Im going to do now. I just know things cant keep going as they are.

Pots n Pans n Real Men

I have had this pot and frying pan for 8 yrs n 1 month. Theres also a smaller pot that goes with it. It was a set that was the Only wedding gift we were given. We didnt have a wedding. We went to a justice of the peace. Requested that no friends or family show up, hell didnt tell anyone for the most part. But our pastor at the time found out and he and his wife gave us this damn set. I really liked our pastor and his wife. They were some of the nicest people. We stopped going there thanks to him. He ruined everything.

Ive used this set all thru the years with the rest of my pots n pans. I never gave it much thought but today as I began preparing for dinner it sunk in. Holy crap this was a "wedding gift". Im not with him anymore. Do I want to keep the one and only thing we were given? I went thru a myrid of emotions, from sadness to anger. Mostly disgust and anger. That itty bitty sadness lasted for just a few moments. Im sad that my marriage failed because I believe in marriage. But Im not sad that Im not with Him.

Not being with him is the greatest thing Ive experianced in nearly a decade. I am free to be myself, whoever I am that is. I am exploring and finding me. Learning I am not that beaten down wife who was granted continued existance only because of his say so. I am worthy of anything that anyone else is. I can wake up in the morning knowing that if the house isnt spic n span it wont be held over my head. That if I choose to cook pork I wont have to listen to him go on and on about how awful I am and how disgusting I am for eating pork. For frick sake its food and it tastes pretty damn good. Who doesnt like bacon? I dont have to be compared to other women on a daily. I dont have to live with the shame that he heaped on me all the time just to make hisself feel better.

So I stared at this pot n pan and decided who gives a crap. Its useful, more useful then he ever was. Im not going to allow the association of how it was attained to ruin it for me. And that transfers over to me, my life and my ability to meet new people. So many people are judgmentle. I am judged over the fact that I was married to such an awful piece of crap. Its held against me. Some people dont want to be friends with me because of the huge amount of people who hate my ex. And that also rolls over to men. There are gonna be men who wont want to date me because of my ex. And thats not my fault or my problem. Its the mens problem. If they are that judgmentle and that pathetic to use my ex against me, then they are not someone I would want in my life. If I date someone, Id want it to be a real man. NOT another boy pretending at being a grownup.

Hes so famous

Its been crazy with the holidays and birthdays lately. The kids and I had a blast for holloween and for my middle ones bday. Weve been busy with school projects and fundraisers, with home repairs and finding fun things to do. But amongst all of that still lurking in the background is the ex, constantly trying to cause problems.

Its a surprise if a day has gone by without hearing from him in one way or another. Without being reminded of how much better my life is without him in it. The other day he came up with a story of how he is messing with a mans woman and that man has threatened my ex by saying he has access to my kids. Now with my ex we have no way of knowing if this story is true or if he is just trying to get attention again. When he has his visitation he fills the kids heads with lies. Stories of this life he had lived. How he is a famouns fighter, musicion, army vetern and more. And not a single one of those are true. I worry about how my kids are gonna be treated when they are older and tell their friends that "My daddy did this......." and their friends mention it to their parents and the truth comes out. You see the vast majority of people in this county know my ex. They know of him because of how much a liar he is. They all have heard the stories, many have had dealings with him and many more have all seen the online "fan" clubs of people hating him. My kids will have to live with so much all because the ex is such a concieted, selfish, lying, horriable man.

Today a mom at the school stopped me after drop off. They talked with me. Shared experiance and told me it gets better. People know about the situation, not because Ive told them. I dont. I try to keep that shit underwraps with only select friends knowing. They know because they have seen us all these years. They saw the signs of me being a victim of violence. They saw how he had hit on anything that remotely resembled a female. They had all come across him at one point or another when he was with his many side chicks. I feel ashamed that Im a victim. I know I shouldnt. But there is a part of me that does. Knowing that others knows. Some days are just harder then others.

This morning I was awoken by him sending a msg that contained a photo. One of his newest girlfriends and him and my oldest child had went out to eat. I know he sent it just to try and start problems. He then continued to send msgs to me about how Im doing so many things wrong. I had to put the phone down and just ignore it. I dont need my day to be ruined by him still trying to treat me like his possesion. I belong to know one. I am my own person and I matter. I have three amazing children who remind me everyday how wonderful life is. Because I am their mother. I will survive.

Mommy I dont want to go

Its so heartbreaking and concerning when my kids go to their fathers. Its not just because they will be gone. Its because of how upset they are when they leave. At how they beg me to let them stay with me, how they go on and on about how they dont want to go to their dads. I gently ask why and am given a list of reasons. None are much to be worried about, a few are upseting but none really touch base on their safety, so there is nothing I can do. The fact that he doesnt do anything with them, that he ignores them while he talks and texts and FBs with his girlfriends, or that he naps or that he shoves them off on his family to watch, well despite that, what can I do? Ive repeatedly asked for my right to babysit them when he decides he doesnt want to be there during his visitation. But he wont let me.

Ive had enough and requested a meeting with the mediator. Bringing in my several months of screenshots of texts and fb msgs and call logs. Bringing in records of how he isnt present during his visitation, bringing in proof how he leaves the kids at his mothers office where our custody order says they cant be. Proof of how he has them in the presence of people that our custody order says not too. But Ive seen how the courts work, how these long drawn out cases dont amount to anything but bills. How it takes a tragic event for our local judges to finally do whats right. I have a feeling its going to be a long visit in hell while I try to fight for my kids safety.

My babies just left for his visit. My youngest staring sadly back at me with tears running down her cheeks. Her sad cry of "Mommy" and his snarky "hurry up" as she drags her feet to his car. I just want to scream. This is so unfair. This tears my heart up. Im now left in this empty house with just my fears. Waiting for these next couple days to pass swiftly so I can watch them burst out of his car and run screaming into my arms. So they can kiss and hug me and shout how much they missed me and are so happy to be home.

So crazy

Have you ever met someone who was off the wall bat shit crazy? Well I was married to that. I put up with that for years and I had seriously hoped and wished that when I managed to get away from him, that I wouldnt have to deal with that anymore. But nope. Im stuck dealing with his insanity because occasionally I have to communicate with him since we have kids.

The thing is, I try to keep our communication limited to text msgs, that way I have proof of the insane stuff he says. And I tell you what, the things he says could throw anyone for a loop. Today he exceeded his normal amount crazy. All I wanted was to drop off birthday invitations to him to put in our kids backpack to be handed out at school and a piece of paper for him to drop off in town whenever he got a chance. He went off the wall crazy, argumentative and rude. This went on for over an hour of him texting me. Half the things he said made no sense and contradicted everything else he said. Then out of no where he said he would give me the divorce (he has said this before then changed his mind- it all depends on which girlfriend he has at the time) I was happy. I started dancing at work. Now if I could only actually get him to sign the divorce papers. I thought, ok the day is going to go better now. And it did, for twenty more minutes until he dropped another bomb. He was demanding that I give him my money I get back when I file my taxes next spring. WTF?! I work, I support my kids, I pay taxes, I pay my mortgage, I pay my bills. He does nothing but mooch off of his girlfriends and lie to the courts and social services saying he is too disabled to work- but he cant get disability. Uh huh...

The day got worse and worse. He never stopped, he kept being threatening and rude all day. My phone kept beeping with new msgs from him and Id ignore them. But it doesnt matter if I ignore him or respond to him. He. Wont. Stop. Eventually he became even more irate. It was to the Point where I knew if I was near him, he would have been beating me. He would have been smashing me to the ground like he would do whenever I didnt Yes Sir him and lay down and be his door mat. I seriously do worry about my kids safety when they are with him. The kids say he has never hurt them physically. But this is a man who easily gets to the point where he has to hurt someone. He doesnt feel good about hisself unless he is physically hurting someone in someway. To make it so he can get away with hitting people he took up "mma". Made up BS stories about how he had done it for years when he had never even spoke of it for the first few years I had known him and was married to him. But then one day he decided to incorporate it into his stories of this big exciting life he "had" lived and still did... All this did was help him learn how to hurt me more. And now he likes to "spar" with idiots who believe his fantastic stories and think getting smacked by him is actually great. I can only hope that when he becomes violent he is around a real punching bag and not another woman he treats like one.

Looking Up Up Up

Ive been doing really well. Putting the pieces back together, finding who I am, not who he made me be all this time. I really thought I was overcoming some of my fears, some of my issues. But crap happens sometimes. I cant talk about it right now. I dont want to dwell on it.

Instead the other stuff, life. Its been 'normal'. Im surviving. If I gotta compare myself to something, Id say it would be that damn fish that has somehow managed to stay alive this past year. You see, at one point I had the brilliant idea to turn a massive tank into a mini jungle for some pet amphibians. And what jungle is not complete without a pool on oneside with a waterfall. And of course it had to be filled with fish. The end result was amazing. But eventually this massive hundred gallon tank ended up housing only 1 tiny green critter smaller then the size of a lime. The water in the pool leaked out/evaporated. The fish had died, or so I had thought. When all along one fish had stayed alive and managed to hide itsself in an inch deep of water. This fish survived with nothing for months in an inch of water, no companionship, no help, no fish food. This lil thing would not give up. The other day I dug out all the plants and trees, downsized this 100gal tank into a 20gal and a smaller pool and promptly tossed this fighter into the water. He is happily swimming around in fresh water. He survived crappy conditions for so long. And so have I. Ive faced death, Ive lived off very little. I fought back and lived.

Today things are looking up. I have some family and friends here helping to rip off the roof and put on the new one. Or at least part of it. This house is a layer of levels and additions so there are around 7 roofs, all in different conditions. So three of them are being replaced sorta. Throwing on metal roof. Its gonna kill me cost wise, but this is needed badly. Next step is to figure out what to do with my broken furnace, its getting really cold in here. But Im managing.

As the guys work on the roof, I find myself inside baking and cooking. Making sure there is plenty of goodies for them to have. Its the least I can do. And thats something I enjoy doing. Ive always liked doing for others. Im the type who feels good when Ive met someones need, no matter what it is. I love cooking for others. Fixing something for someone such as sewing up a rip in their clothes. Lending an ear and advice if I have some. Finding something they want/need. Having someone say or even give me a look of 'thanks/appreciation' makes me feel good. Im like the damn dog who can barely contain her self after she recieves a "Good Girl" for doing something her master said to. Its just who I am. And thats ok.

Blah

I dont know what to say. Things have been good. Things have been bad. Just when things begin looking up, a curve ball comes careening in and smashing things up. There are a few things that are really great, needed badly and are finally happening. But like always strings are attached to everything. The bad things, well I just cant talk about it right now. I feel so badly beaten down that its almost like he is here knocking me around again. My shoulders are drooping down from the weight of the world and I just want to curl up in a ball and rest for a few days.

But I cant. I need to make everything better and I will. We all have our bad days. But despite the stress of whats going on, I do have some good too. I have a few things Im looking forward too. And hopefully with time, these good things will help even everything out. And then pummel that bad into the ground, So a smile will be present more and laughter will be heard.

But for now. Im going to finish doing what I must for the day. And once bedtime comes, just curl up and rest.

A ton off my shoulders

I feel slightly better about things. I managed to somehow rearrange some things and used my paycheck to buy a ton of pellets so we can start to have some heat in the house. As for my furnace, the engine or whatever it is is dead apparently. So Im still stuck there. But after loading and unloading a ton of pellets today I feel like I can conquer the rest of my daunting tasks and not be taken down.

My youngest ended up sick during visitation with Him. He told me he was going to head to prompt care with the lil one since the drs office was closed. Needless to say when I got done work that night he told me he didnt go, didnt have "time", translation, he didnt want to get off his ass. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital, waiting around. Some meds and we were discharged, only for me to notice the next morning and this morning as well, that lil one seems ot be having poor circulation. Lips are purple when waking up and skin is dusky all over, especially in hands and feet and face. Takes a couple hours before the skin pinkens back up to normal. I dont know if this was happening during the days he had the children, he probably wouldnt have noticed if it was, so Im left with the fun of tracking down the on call dr and figuring things out. Lil one has a history of pneumonia and croup on a monthly basis, it seemed to have stopped right before this past spring. Couple that with the asthma and heart murmur it could be an infection or something else. When I brought this up to him, his response was, "ok". No other words, no concerns, nothing. Eventually he told me to do whatever and just text him about later. -_-

So Im waiting around for school to get out so I can take the kids into the backyard and rake up leaves and throw them in the piles. Just have some fun and make memories. Im excited to be turning the back shed into a big play area for the kids. Up till this past april it was his. So now there is this big empty place that has a wood stove to heat it, just waiting around to be used. Im thinking about moving the gym mats and putting the sandtable and the lil slide and maybe even the kids trampoline in there since its big enough. That way winter wont be such a drag on the days its too cold for them to actually play outside, and the toys indoors are 'boring' lol. Anything to keep our spirits up. And to keep going.

Its about Living

I feel like Ive been bombarded lately from every direction. I can handle it, but it makes me wish I could just have a breather. I guess things are really not that much different from before. He never helped with much around the house. If something broke usually it was his brother who would come fix it or someone from my family. Needless to say my family may be handy occasionally, but they all have lives and are busy and just cant drop everything and come help me. And obviously his family havent had a thing to do with me since I kicked him out. Blood is blood and they sided with him. Even with them seeing him choke me and hit me and having them pull him off of me, well despite that, in their eyes he is a saint.

I have no idea how to fix my truck, how to repair my roof, how to fix my furnace, how to install the dishwasher, how to fix the hole he left in the wall the night before I finally became brave enough to kick his butt out. Ive been soldiering on and basically rednecking my way through everything. Becoming handy with a screwdriver and ducttape. But the projects are piling up and my patience is stretched thin. But I have no choice but to keep on keeping on.

Ive made quite a few changes in my life. Done things I never thought Id do, or ever even considering doing. Teetering back n forth on what my views are, what Ive always felt was was right or wrong. Coming to find who I am now. And realizing how very different I am then I had thought I was. But thats a good thing. People change. I never really had a chance to find who I was. I went from school, to marriage, to mom, to victim. But not anymore. I am important and I have three amazing children to show that life is not only about surviving, its about living.

Happy Anniversary

The other day was our wedding anniversary and when that clicked in my head I admit I stood there staring blindly into space for a good minute. I was in the midst of renewing licenses for the dogs, including his, the one he abandoned. Thankfully the clerk didnt realize I had been transported to another world for a few short moments, but I snapped out of it, thanked her and walked to my car. I sat down and held onto the steering wheel as my emotions pinwheeled around.

I was sad. Sad for a few different reasons. Sad that my marriage just didnt work. That something that I believe is supposed to be till death do us part, well it obviously didnt end via death. It ended via him being an abusive crappy husband who was a serial cheater on top of it. I was sad that I had stayed and put up with it for so damn long. I was mad. Mad that here I was not celebrating my anniversary because he is a sociopath. Mad because I had been in such an awful situation for so many years, mad that the first time he hit me that I didnt hit him back, that the second time he hit me that I didnt kill him. Mad that I didnt walk out that damn door and never looked back.

I was also happy. Thats right. I was happy. Because here I am, alive. I survived. I made it. I got away. And now I can live. Now I can love and be loved.

Early Morning

Its been good lately. He has finally distanced hisself from me and no longer bugs me on a daily basis. I still hear from him, but thankfully its not a constant tirade of his abuse. He usually will msg about god knows what, then immediatly follow up with another text saying Im not allowed to contact him back. I just laugh. What else can I do? I dont want to contact him, I dont want him in any form at all. Im happy to just live my life without him in it. Without him ruling over me, demanding,terrorizing, abusing, breaking me.

My kids are pretty damn amazing. Everyday they push me to the edge of sanity and reel me back in just as fast. They are good kids who love and fight with eachother. Who have their selfish moments but for the most part all they want to do is help others. I love them so much. All I can do is hope that they can survive what their father has put us through. And everyday I wonder what kind of damage he is doing. Yesterday I had to bite my tongue as my kids brought up 9/11 and mentioned how their daddy had said he went down there and helped rescue people. I said they must have misunderstood him. That they should talk to their grandmother about what their daddy had said. I would hope that she would be honest with them. That maybe hearing this from them would help her relize how far gone her son is with his view of reality. Though this is a new one for him, not surprising but its so damn disturbing for someone to lie about something as tramautic as 9/11.

This morning I dragged my kids out of bed and buckled them into the car before the sun was shining. We went to my brothers house to take care of his dog while he is out of town. On our way back home we were forced to stop the car as seagulls took over the road and refused to move. We laughed and waved at the birds and went right up to them. Eventually pushing them out of the way so we could continue on our way. Im hoping the rest of the day is filled with more sweet giggles and belly laughs. More smiles and shining eyes. These kiddos of mine make everyday worth it.

Hanging on

Things picked back up. Im excited because I have found some jogging partners, went quite a few days without jogging since we had some women that were jumped and raped in the area and I didnt feel safe enough going out even with one of my dogs, since I jog at night. Im trying to be more active and its really helping me feel better overall. Its still tough since He is always around. I swear I cant turn a corner without him lurking and trying to cause trouble. Ever since our last 'conversation' where I repeatedly hammered home the fact I would never take him back, well he has had a few tantrums. Refusing to look at me when picking/dropping off the kids. Makes dissapointed "sounds" and shakes his head. And when we are 'forced' to communicate via text, he usually will say something then immediatly respond saying Im not allowed to talk to him whatsoever, even if it regards the kids. I just ignore it. I feel he is becoming less stable.

The kids are doing well in school and Im hoping the constant schedual will help them even out. Im still debating finding another job, just to fill the hours when the kids are in school but I know there isnt much out there. Even though for the most part things are changing for the better, I still feel like Im about to fall off the edge of something, the bottom is about give out. He is up to something and it doesnt bode well for me. But Im hanging on and hopefully can ride out whatever he throws my way.

Three Date Rule?!

I have to say I am just shocked at todays world. Blown away by how much has changed in a decade, or maybe I was always just a tad old fashioned? By no means am I out there dating or whatnot. All I am doing is making friends male and female. But along the way I am learning that nothing is like it used to be. Back in my day, a guy asked you out. You accepted and you guys tried a few dates, if you liked one another, then he asked you out as in boyfriend/girlfriend. A couple months later, you reevaluated your relationship, were you both ready to take it to the next level? Yes, no? And then you went from there.

Today, well today I am told a guy takes you out three times and according to this Three Date Rule, the third date means sex. WHAT?!You have got to be kidding me? How can anyone hope to establish a meaningful comitted relationship with someone this way? How could you ever respect someone who puts out immediatly? Whats to say they havent done the exact same thing with God knows how many people? Im not a prude. But I do believe a woman should not be sleeping around. You should only engage in sexual acts with someone who you feel you could spend the rest of your life with, does it always work out? No. But sleeping with over a handful of guys, just seems distastefull for me- but thats me, in regards to myself. I just cant wrap my mind around allowing myself to do that. I will never hold a # against anyone else, just against myself. I dont have the right to judge others, but it comes easily to me to do so. Im trying, Im learning and I am failing and succeeding.

The things I have been learning have made it so I just dont even want to think about trying in the future once Im ready. I may just have to become a happy crazy cat lady, who lives on her own, in the middle of nowhere, enjoying life as a hermit.

Yo-Yo

So lately things have been a regular yoyo. Great days, followed by crazy days. The crazy is all the ex. I was so happy and excited last saturday. After a few msgs back and forth where I continued (yet again) to try and hammer home the fact that I will never take him back, well I think it sunk in. He agreed to a divorce. Of course it was a bloody weekend, no lawyer or court house available to run to and fill out and sign on the dotted line. But I was floating on a temporary high the rest of the day. In fact I had to attend a family wedding which I hadnt been looking forward to. But I went with a friend which was nice. Until I got there and family from all over had drove/flew in. I proceeded to hear from people I hadnt seen in dozens of years about how they hated my husband, they were so happy I had gotten rid of him. Then there were the family who didnt realize my friend was not my husband. Some of them said it was nice to meet the man I married, which I correctly explained no- just a friend. Others went up to him ready to behin beating him, believing he was the Hubby. Needless to say it was an eventfull night. My friend had quite the experiance, but he survived.

The following day was even better, had a great walk thru amazing walking trails and gardens. Crap- life was going great. But it had to end sometime. The ex called me the following day at work. Hysterical, screaming and crying and threatening. Off the wall crazy. He kept telling me he knew that I loved him. I kept denying it. I havent loved him in forever. Eventually he tried laying all blame at my feet, at this point I could have cared less. If it would shut him up and make him go away, then Id gladly except the guilt for everything including nuclear war and global warming. Im hoping tomorrow I will have time to make a few calls and see about the divorce papers, somehow get him to sign them. I want all ties cut. What I really want is for him to seek medical help. I truly, really feel he is mentally unbalanced and may be a danger to hisself, definetly to others- especially me.

Last night I once again managed to have some fun and enjoy life. Having great friends makes such a difference. Im looking forward to more great days and I hope that once I get the divorce maybe things may even out a bit more. Im slowly getting more confidence in myself and feeling great. Slowly working a few work outs in every week and apparently smiling alot more, so many people have complemented me. Life is getting better. I was broken down so badly, but Im building myself back up.

occasional smile with daily tears

So I heard something the other day and it really hit home. The more I thought about it the more right it felt. Its my fault. Its not about what he did and didnt do. Its about what I chose to accept for so damn long. And I know that staying or leaving is never an easy choice for anyone. Everything happens in the time its meant to. Its my fault that I trusted his words and ignored his actions. Every damn apology he ever sent my way was a lie, because words mean nothing. I gave my all to a sick bastard and all he ever gave me was abuse. Our marriage was a one way street full of double standards and backwards bs. I stayed for all the wrong reasons when all along he gave me every damn reason to leave. I was hanging onto something that was never even there. He never was a man. He was a monster in disguise. I broke my own heart by continuesly trying with him. Taking what he dished out on a daily basis and thinking to myself if I tried to be whatever it was he wanted, maybe then he would come around. Maybe he could change. I was wrong. So the choice finally came clear to me and I left. I managed to walk away and by doing so I stopped breaking my own heart.

Boost

So I feel pretty good right now. I managed to fit in a few days of working out, kayaking and having great days with the kids. Trying to pack in a bunch of fun in the last bit before school starts up. I have plans to hangout with some friends and got to go out on the harley the other day which was nice. I used to ride all the time before I met him. Since Ive been with him I think Ive ridden only a handful of times. The same can be said for horseback riding, I used to compete and ride all the time, since him, well I think Ive ridden twice. I feel pretty damn good right now. A friend has been helping boost my confidence. Im not his doormat, Im not his too skinny/too fat property anymore. My friend, well thanks to them I can walk with a bit more confidence now.

I had to take off of work the other day for a long awaited appointment. Crazy ass ended up texting me/calling me to complain about how he knew I wasnt working. I didnt respond to his insanity. I dont know if he figured out where I was all day or not, but I have a feeling he didnt know and thats what made him so angry. God, even after all these months he thinks he still owns me and wants to put me back on a leash to make sure I dont do anything without his permission. He really believes I will take him back. That I cant survive without him. Even a couple months after I kicked him out, he was lying to the neighbors about how he was just working so much- thats why his car wasnt in the driveway. Same thing with the school. He doesnt want anyone to know that his pathetic ass was booted. That his wife finally had enough of being his doormat/punching bag and now he was back to living with his mom. Tomorrow we have a teacher conferance and I have a strong feeling he is going to try and make us look like a happy family. If he lays one finger on me I will lose it. I dont want to backslide and I know how terrifying he can be. How with a single touch he can break you down with his manipulation and intimidation tactics. I plan on going to the school and letting them know about the current custody order and whatnot. I have a relative and friends who work in the school and they were very helpful during the last month of school when I first kicked him out. They knew to be on the lookout for crazy crap. Like the time he tried taking them from the school on one of my days. That day scared me.

Im learning to let go of the whole idea I had of what my life was going to be and supposed to be like. It didnt work out this time around. Maybe it will the next time. But I have to say goodbye to this life for me to be able to move on in search of the next. There has to be something better out there. Not only for my family but for me. But it starts with me. Im slowly getting happy. Its like I was chained up in sorrow due to the awful life I had been living and now those chains have fallen away and I am stepping out into the sunshine again. Im still going to have a lot of baggage. You cant just drop that off and let go with the snap of your fingers. Im still gonna be scared that he will do what he has threatened. But eventually I will be strong enough to not fear him.

Crazy Cycle

I dont know if he is becoming more desperate, realizing that I am through with him. Or if he is just cycling through his crazy behaviors in a non stop repeat. I was having some good days. Hadnt heard from him for a few, and surprisingly hadnt seen him about stalking me. So either he found something new to do or learned how to be more discrete. I actually did go out and have some fun with a friend. It was nice to relax and enjoy an entire day. Especially knowing that he was not around, he wouldnt have been able to follow us through the woods, swamps and rivers. But like most good things they have to end. When he picked the children up this morning he began mouthing off in front of them. Trying to paint me in a bad light while their little faces screwed up in sadness and worry. I told him not to do this in front of the kids and then I told the babies I loved them and went back in side and locked the door against him. He continued with text msgs, then switched his behavior back to his all time favioret- The Better Then You Christian. He went on and on about how he was the victim, the bible says so and a bunch of yada yada BS. All coming down to how if I loved my kids I would be with him and save our marriage, Im the devil. I eventually got a lil to peeved and finally responded after he complained about how I need to seek god. "Dont worry about my relationship with Jesus. I just am careful not to surround myself with Double Standard Christians who do more harm in the name of Christianity then the devil does in a roomfull of non believers." That was that, he didnt respond, Thank God...

Today Im just gonna go relax. Maybe go kayaking and get some work done. Find a way to enjoy the day and be normal.

Bad Days..

There are good days, then there are days like yesterday. He did a 180 again and threw me for a loop. Im still spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do. He does that whole Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing way to well and way to often. He went from agreeable and polite to vicious and threatening. From acting like a good parent, to suddenly demanding he has no monetary obligations for his children. Demanding that I pay him for things he has at his parents that the kids dont need or really want. I dont ask for support. I dont want any from him (he never supported our family), we share the kids 50/50 even though they usually beg to come home to me and cut his visitation short, so I have them more. I dont ask for money for their food, clothes, toys, activities etc. What they do with me is my expense. Just like what they do with him is his expense. But school related stuffs and copays for drs or medicine should be shared. He doesnt view it that way. At first he was fine with this. Then out of no where he goes all Mr Hyde, threatening me, saying awful things, just off the wall bat shit crazy. I married that. Makes me feel like I must have been crazy at one point to even get involved with him.

But thats the thing. When I met him, he acted so different. He knows how to play the game very well. I had so many people come to me, warn me, tell me what he really was like. I heard so many crazy stories that there was no way they could be true. But they were. I was blinded by the notion that love could conquer all. Everyone deserved another chance, people can change. Little did I know he could change. Into what he really was, which he had been hiding behind a thin veil of civility. He had no regard for the law. Felt he was above it, and had no remorse when throwing his friends under the bus to take the fall for him. Forcing me to go along with what he said and cover for him or face the consquences. Lied about anything and everything, made up such wild stories that only idiots would believe and I admit it, I was an idiot, but there were things I knew from the get go were so far fetched there was not a shred of truth in them. But I felt sorry for him and let it slide, feeling that with guidence he could get past that. I was wrong. He gets some kind of perverse pleasure from hurting others both emotionally and physically. For years I heard how I wasnt good enough, how I needed to do this and that to be worthy of him. One second he would tell me how I was nothing, the next he would toss me a compliment. One second he would hug me, the next choke me into oblivion. He never could hold a job for very long. Coworkers and boss's would tire of his crap fast, he never believed in being on time, would call in sick or usually make me do it for him. The list goes on. Just writing this makes me sick. Because I was married to that.

This morning my children left with him. Makes me want to puke when I think that, that crazy person is near my kids. A couple asked then cried to stay with me and I felt like the worst parent of all time by telling them they had to spend time with him. I know what perverse things he did to me mentally and physically. Would he ever transfer that towards the children? What can I do to prevent this. He scares me to the point where my life is so disrupted now. He still drives by my house, my work, follows me around town. Others have witnessed this, hell, even strangers have mentioned "that vehical has drove past here several times since you walked in". When walking the dog I panicked the other day. Cutting across a parking lot hidden behind buildings I heard foot steps quickening behind me. I hurried my pace and when I threw a glance over my shoulder all I saw was a large man in a hoodie coming towards me. Total mind fuck. Looked just like him, I sprinted away and eventually found myself standing in front of my truck at the sheriffs station. I was too agitated to think straight. Thank god for the dog. I know he stopped me a few times from running into traffic and led me back to the truck. I make sure to park by the sheriffs. Makes me feel safer.

I work. I walk the dog. I spend time with my kids. Thats my life right now. I want to do more. But for now thats ok. I was stressing out so badly about needing to 'get a life'. Looking for things to do and people to do it with. Well, I need to feel more secure and comfortable doing what I already do. Once I get past that then I can expand my life, otherwise Im going to be so panicked I wont get to enjoy it. Once I can find a way to not worry about him coming after me, him ruling my life anymore, then I can have a better life. Have a life.

Decimated

I had a really great post all written out in my head, but it all was quickly erased by him. Just one experiance with him, can just decimate everything I have going for me. I tried to do what is right, the whole good parenting thing. Tried to communicate with him about an ongoing issue with one of the babes and I knew inside of me, without a doubt he would make me regret speaking with him verbally. When I answered his call I didnt have enough time to fortify the walls Ive been building to protect myself from his manipulative ways. Within seconds he turned everything around and had me doubting myself, feeling like I was backed to being whipped down to the ground, cowering and was just a breath from my lips away to agreeing to him and acknowledging that he was the superior one. But somewhere inside of me, I poked my head out from under a blanket and got up off of my knees and told him to shut up. That it wasnt about him, but it was about the kids and he needed to take his head out of his ass and realize that.

But here I am days later still trying to sort things out in my head. Too much time to reflect back on everything. I really need to find something to do. Last night I had a terrifying nightmare and woke up physically ill from it. Thank god before I went to bed I had scrubbed the entire bathroom including the toilet, because if I had been heaving into that while it was dirty I would have felt alot worse.
With no where to go and nothing to do today I think Im just going to curl up on the couch and watch movies and pig out despite my ultimatum to myself to begin dieting. Its just gonna be one of those crappy days. It started off awful with that dream, became worse when I had to see his face this morning when passing the kids to him, listening to his drivel. And now here I sit, with a whirlwind in my head. Maybe I will attempt taking a walk, dog included obviously. I wish we had more places that allowed you to bring pets in with you. There are a couple stores that I can go that let me bring my dog inside. But Id like to go out to eat, but get to nervous and end up freaking out unless I have an "anchor" with me. And surprisingly the dog acts like one. Pulls me back from taking too much in at once.

Passing in the Night

We all say things we wish we hadnt said. Did something we regret. At times we know what we are doing is wrong even as we do it, other times it takes awhile for us to realize that it wasnt right. I know that its unrealistic to expect or demand that I never mess up. Im going to make more mistakes as I navigate this twisted messed up life Ive been living. Eventually those twists and turns will start to straighten out (I hope) and things wont be as hard. For the most part when I think about him, I just want him to hurt. For him to feel everything that he has made me feel over the past decade. But when I calm down and I truly look at things with my heart and my mind, I realize that the right thing is just to accept things. I want peace. And wishing the opposite onto others isnt going to help me find peace. That man is the father to my children. And right now, he is a monster. The things he has done are wrong on so many levels. I dont want him to continue to be a monster. I want him to change, to become the person I thought he could become. I want this not for me. I want this for my children, but also for him.

I need to accept what has happened to me. I need to accept that things can never be the same and that some things will never be the way I had wished they could be. Im no longer that little girl with bright dreams. Im also no longer that woman who was locked up, giving up on anything more. For so long I tried to be want he wanted and I was dissapearing. Withdrawing from the world and from myself. It was never enough. Nothing could be. I dont ever want to fall into that again.

Last night I dreamt that an inlaw had died. In my dream I was not happy over this. I was sad. Sad for my children. I woke up and I sat there huddled under my blankets reliving the dream. This person is someone who I feel and know would hurt me if given the chance. They will always stand by him and do what is needed for him to get what he wants. But despite this, I wish them no harm and I was tempted to call them just to make sure they were ok. This person has hurt me with their bigotry. Especialy with their double standards. They live the opposite of what they preach. I cant help but hate them at times, for they raised him and he is a product of his upbringing. But no, I dont want anyone to be hurt, not honestly that is.

I want it to be to the point where we are just someone we used to know. No hurt, no anger, no love, no sadness, no confusion between us. Two ships that passed in the night. I want to move on and I want him to move on as well.

Comfort Zone

I took a walk today. Of course I brought one of my dogs with me so Id feel safer. Walked through town and tried to focus on the "sights", blot out the fact that there were lots of people around. Ignore them, get used to them to a point where I wouldnt notice them. I dont know what Id do if I tried walking without a dog. When someone is behind me, my boy will alert me to it. He will lead me off to the side so I can wait till that person is in front of us. He stops me from freaking out and running into the road when something happens. He blocks me with his body, he locates the cross walks and pushes the buttons. I focus on him and how I know he will keep people out of my personal space. He reads my emotions pretty well. When I start to get more nervous he will distract me. "Mouth" my hand (nibble at it) push against my side, do a lil hop up to get into my line of sight and act a lil playful. When Ive had to much he takes the lead and finds our way back to the truck. He will circle it then look inside before we both load up. He's my smart lil cookie.

Usually I have an off putting nature when Im out and about. I dont want people to try and talk with me, but I try to smile and seem friendly- or at least not terrified or angry. Today a person tried to start a conversation with me, Kio calmy stepped inbetween us and I managed to get thru the entire experiance without hyper ventilating. I wish I could have him with me all the time. Would have came in handy the other day when at work. As I was walking into a room a guy followed me. The door is mechanical and was slowly opening, I freaked out and tried to go in faster, ended up pingponging off the door, to the door frame then into the room and stumbled to the floor. As the guy walked forward to help I proceeded to scamble up and try to wave him away as I put more space in between us. The guy clearly thought I was either a drunk or a lunatic. I really need to get a better handle on this crap. Not everyone is my ex. I can be safe.

Im still trying to figure out who I am. Or who I can be. Sorting out what my likes and dislikes are. I think I may have an idea about a few things. One thing is for sure. This is gonna be a long hard road.

High Road

I feel like right now I deserve a medal. A big fat shiny one. Despite all the turmoil inside of me, despite the hate, the anger, the sadness, the hurt, the bitterness, the crushed dreams, the everything, well despite it all I am taking the higher road. At least at this moment I am. When I saw him, all I wanted to do was shout and scream, hurt him like he has hurt me. But instead I just smiled and acted like everything was right in the world as I handed over my babies. Despite the fact he was five and a half hours late! Again. The scene that just took place an hour ago was sort of like I always had hoped it would be if I had to have a situation where my children had visitation with their father since we werent together. Where we each could speak to eachother like old friends. Share needed info back and forth about the kids, smile and nod our heads and then wave goodbye without secretly throwing in the middle finger. Of course what just took place wasnt exactly like it should be. Behind my fake smile I was shaking in my boots. You cant make nearly a decade of learned behavior dissapear. I tracked his every move, watching those hands and waiting. Second guessing and studying every word he said, waiting for the bottom to drop. Everything is a game to him. Whatever way he had this planned out was not in my control. But I partially credit it going well to the fact that I kept him in front of the front door- right in line of the security camera, which records both audio and visual and has a live view to a few certain people that Ive given the passcode too.

Im getting more and more nervous in regards to him possibly trying to take off with the kids. He once again disapeared out of state for the weekend, where he was I havent a clue. I spent a good few hours looking up information on tracking devices for the kids, but none would really work. He or they could easily remove them, switch their shoes/clothes, take off jewerly. So I sat down and made not eof every birth mark, scar, freckle they each had. Took pictures of what they look like with short, long hair. And I update it as needed. And drill my phone number into their minds so if they ever were taken away and had a chance at a phone they could call me. This is an awful way to live.

To stay busy and have fun with the kiddos I began decorating their rooms with new themes. For the past few years the babies room has always been pink and brown stars. So together we took it down and I took the babies idea of a tree and began making one on the wall by the bed. The power of construction paper, scissors and tape. Its still not done but for now we are happy with it. Need to add more animals to it and perhaps make more trees around the room.

Next I need to begin on the other kiddos rooms. Another tree theme but it will be birch trees and the other one is super mario.

The Good, The Bad

So tomorrow is the big day. No, not the one I am wishing for and need. But its a big day for the kiddos. Im taking them to their very first water park. Im hoping we all have a blast and all our worries evaporate for the day. Im looking forward to hearing their squeals of joy and watch the excitement blossom across their faces when we get there. It will be worth me overcoming my dread of being in such a crowded place and having to get into water. I havent gone swimming in fifteen years. -_- meh.

Yesterday I went out to eat and while sitting in the parking space on main street waiting for my company to arrive, my ex slowly coasted by. He then drove by again. Eventually I pushed him from my mind once I was inside and the frosted glass afforded us privacy from the outside world. I had a nice time with my mom and her boyfriend. As I walked out, lo and behold there he was again. Its been over an hour and he still kept driving by! He then sped down the street parked and ran inside a place he would not go in normally, ever. Seriously? You think I didnt see you stalking me? Your bright colored vehical is pretty hard not to spot. He succesfully has ramped up my paranoia regarding him lurking around every corner, ready to pounce on me and finally kill me for good. Every time his name flashes across my cell phone I tense. I dont want to answer his phone calls, I hate opening his text msgs. But I cant ignore him, especially when he has the kids. And even when I have the kids, if he wants to call to talk to them Im fine with that. I just dont want to have to hear his voice. Hear him begin his manipulations, hear him be hot and cold. I hate hearing the "I Love Yous". I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to fall to the ground and just beg for it all to end.

Some days I have to pretend. Pretend everything is okay. Pretend that this is how its supposed to be. But some days its harder to pretend. I feel so damn empty. But other days I can do this. I feel a spark of excitement. Life may not be what I planned it, but Im free of him and I can be happy now. I can work towards that now. Im not depressed. Im just confused. Im just working out this tangled mess that my life has become ever since I laid eyes on him all those years ago. I read today that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. And that 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce and 74% of 3rd marriages end in divorce. Doesnt give much hope for a future marriage. Just kind of confirms it for me. Dont even bother with that again. But there are things I miss. I wonder if I can ever have that again. Just being held. Having someone call/text you just to see how your day is. Playing around in the store as you try to shop, singing together and laughing at how I cant carry a tune. Talking until our eyes can not stay open any longer. So much more. You see, once upon a time he and I had good times. But they were far and few over the years and when I try to remember them its hard. The bad far outweighed any good that managed to creep in. And as I look towards my children I know I need to remember those good times that I had with their father. Because they are gonna ask for them. Ask for me to tell them stories and I dont want to have to lie. I dont like lies. So I need to dig through the pain and fear and search for the moments where he and I were the way things are supposed to be. I dont want to treasure those times, but I need to gather them up and put them in safe box that can be kept locked up until its time to bring them out. And somehow I need to do the same with the bad. I need a bulldozer to push them all into razor wire fenced off section and keep them seperate from my new life. I cant live with them in my mind at all times. I need to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I never thought Id survive and get thru this. But I am. Im getting over him.

Flee The State

The other day you would have found me in a panic. I found out he had taken one of the kids out of state, despite our child custody agreement saying we couldnt do that. Before he had done that he had acted strange, being his normal ass self, throwing in what he thinks is charm, coupled with being vague and cruel. I didnt think much of it. Little did I know just hours later he would have my oldest baby across state lines. I found out from my oldest when they came home the night they were supposed to. Outwardly I remained calm, but inward I was panicing. What was his game? What was he up to. Everyone agreed it seemed like a test, how long would it take for me to find out he took off? He and his family have connections to another country. They have been helping get a couple people into the U.S. and been helping one guy who is in prison. Needless to say we freaked out. Began filling out paperwork to make it so I would be alerted if anyone tried to get passports for the kids. Come on. We all know how easy it is to forge documents, to pay people off and work around things. So filing this paperwork doesnt make me feel any better. If anything it brings more fear, because now its real. He and his family are twisted. They honestly believe that he is some sort of messiah. They shared the story of how they learned he was coming, they swear up and down angels came to them, sat down had lunch with them and fortold her upcoming pregnancy. Why the heck didnt I run screaming in the other direction when I realized these guys were coocoo for cocoa puffs?!

I cant afford to have private investigators following him 24/7, just to insure my children are not being whisked out of the country. So every second of every day they are with him I live in fear. Will I get my babies back?! I do know that while I had the kids, he took off and was out of state for a few days. Where? Who knows. But Ive made sure the kids have been spotted at his parents house during his visit the past couple of days. This is crazy. Im at a loss.

To try and keep myself from going off the deep end, Ive been cleaning and organizing the kids rooms. Gonna head to the store and by some wall decals and redecorate and give the kids a nice surprise when they come home. Summer is flying by and pretty soon they will all be back in school. So I need to organize out little vacation trip soon and figure out how to pack three kids, three dogs and me all into the truck, with enough gear to last us an entire weekend. Hopefully we will survive it :-)

Move On

Ive been struggling with trying to come to terms with things I need to do. The messed up side of me, the side that is so used to being owned and told what to do, what to think, when to do something. Well that side of me seems to be waiting for someone to come in and take charge like always. Ive always been the one to be alittle bit submissive. But before him, there were lines drawn. Things not to be crossed. I could respect peoples opinions and wishes on things, but if it wasnt what was best for me or others Id not back down, I would lead. One of my favioret family members always said I was a leader, I was not a follower. Id consider other people, looking for what was ultimetly best for all, then go from there. But now. Now I dont lead. I havent stepped up in nearly a decade. To many years of being slammed to the ground, litterly. Too many tears from the nightmare I lived.

So now I have been granted the possible means to afford the lawyer. The other day I would have grabbed that money, hitchhiked a ride with a serial killer, just to get to the lawyers office, throw down the money and demand they begin. But now, Im scared. See, there are strings attached to everything. Giving someone another means to control me just sucks. This "loan" would be held over my head for years to come, even after it was paid off by whatever means they decree. And its not just that. The financial backing comes with terms of severing nearly all rights to the kids from him. This persons hatred for him, may exceed even mine during my darkest hours. And despite what a truly horrific, awful person he is, my children love him. Im more then fine with going forward with the divorce. I want to be free of him legally.

I dont wear his ring upon my finger. But I still hold onto it. It rests upon a chain I wear on my neck along with a cross. Occasionally my fingers brush against it and in some ways I draw strength from it, in other ways it weakens me. I hold old fashioned ideals in some areas. Children outside of wedlock- not good. Sex with someone other then your husband, wrong. I know nearly no one else who has old world morals anymore. But I cant help but feel ashamed to not have a ring upon my finger, especially when in front of a man of God, or someone older then I. Divorce was never something I thought I would once do. Marriage is forever, you swear vows to God, you make a promise. And Ive always been a person to Honor my promises. But here I am now. About to throw all of that in the garbage. And why? Because I made the choice to marry a monster. But was to blind to see that before it was to late.

But its not to late now. I cant fix what happened. I cant change it, I cant go back and wish it away. But I can move on.

Understand?

When you believe your spouse is cheating on you, you feel alot of anger and pain. Even some denial. When you find out for a fact that they cheated on you, your entire world crumbles. Your beliefs in love and marriage and happily ever after are demolished. You may feel like there is no way to survive this. No way to pull yourself up out from the debri of what once was your heart, now shattered at your feet. You can lose all faith in yourself and fall into such a dark deep pit of despair. You pledged your heart and soul to that person, gave them your everything. Only to have them throw it all away, for what?! A few moments of temporary feel good sex? Was the sex even that good? Did at anytime that feeling get shaken by guilt, remorse for what they were doing? Or did they happily go on their way excited for the next time.

I get that both men and women cheat. Maybe we do it for the same reasons, maybe we do it for different reasons. But as a woman who has always remained faithful, who couldnt even bring herself to touch another man after I said, I Do, I just cant get past it. I cant wrap my mind around how someone could cheat. How they could not love their spouse. Love the family they created. And yes, that includes the children. Because if you loved your kids, you would never have done something that could endanger the family, endanger the security they need in a loving family. And cheating on a spouse endangers it all. I know people who have cheated, Ive seen it first hand. Ive been on all sides of the pond, looking in at the images that reflect back. And I still cant understand it.

I sat myself down and tried to think of the most gorgouse guy I have ever been attracted to. A guy who I would happily launch myself at if I was single. And I let myself think here for a minute, what if that guy would give me a chance at the most lustfilled sex dream possible with them. Now would I do this with them? Immediatly my brain and heart scream NO, not if I was in a relationship. If I was single, hell yea. As long as that guy was single too. Now here is the kicker. That option was handed to me not too long ago. I mean, a lusty dream come true. But I said no. Why?! What?! I told someone about this and they wanted to shake and scream and kill me for not taking the chance at "Oh my gawd, sex on stick, just his touch on your arm can make you shudder with pleasure". But I said no. Two reasons. One Im still married. Yea, so the prick cheated on me since the day we met. Our vows under God meant nothing to him. Top it off, he not only cheated on me, failed to support our family in any way, he also physically abused me. Working towards divorce isnt as easy as some people think. Lawyer wants more money then I can even pretend to try and work towards. Number two. That sinfully good looking man whos voice alone can cause nuns to throw off their habits and plead to be taken, well that man is in a relationship. Asshole. Just another dog. I gave his offer two seconds of thought. And in those two seconds every possibility flashed through my mind. Hey I even wondered if I could spike my own drink to make me give up my morals and say yes to him. But here I am. Not knowing what sex with a "god" was like.

So I guess I will go through life not ever comprehending how someone could cheat on another person. It looks like that list of I dont understands is pretty damn long for me. I dont understand how someone could physically abuse the person they claim to love. I dont understand how they could cheat, I dont understand how they could lie, how they could happily shatter every belief another person has. Dont get me wrong. Im not some lilly white innocent person. Im not "good". Im human. I make mistakes. I regret my mistakes. I sit here and think. Holy crap. I must have been an awful person in my past life, because karma has come back and kicked my ass in so many ways. But Im gonna survive this. And maybe the next go round wont be as bad. But I still wont understand how someone can hurt someone else so badly. And even though its wrong of me. I cant forgive it either.

Speak Up

Im just so Gosh darned confused. One minute Im doing great. No regrets, fine with the way things are going, excited to begin my new life. Then the next thing I know I am just numb. So friggin sad or angry that I cant breath. I know Ive said this before a few times. But Id be lying if I never mentioned it again. Its what Im going through. And the entire point of writing and posting is for me. Not to entertain others. But for me to find a way to get past everything that has happened and learn to move on. There is a part of me that also wants to help others. I think to myself. Maybe if others see this, maybe they will think, "Hey if this poor messed up pathetic excuse of a person managed to get away and rebuild their lives, then why wouldnt I be able to."

But I really am tired of the numb feeling. I honestly sit here and have a conversation in my head. Is this normal? Am I messed up? How could I let myself become a victim, stay a victim for so long. And now just finally after all these years finally say "Ok Im done with being a victim". But at the same time have moments where I still have feelings for that man. Where I almost give in and give up on everything and just think it would be easier to let him back into my life. Let it continue as it was. Have him cheat on me all the time and lie about it. Have him not support his family in any way. And have him hurt me physically as well. I mean, holy highrises. How could I think that? How could I think I should give up like that? Thats when the old me, the girl I once was, before I let love blind me, let him twist love into something sick and deprived, well thats when the old me rears her head and slaps myself in the face, screaming at me to knock it off.

The old me. I try to think of her. She wasnt much before. I was shy, but I had learned how to build defenses and pretend to be outgoing, just so I "fit" in better. People made assumptions, and despite how wrong those assumptions were I went along with it. When all along, I was happier when I was out in the middle of the woods, laying in the grass and watching nature live. Reading a book, riding horses. Just being me. Ive always "mothered" others. From the time I could toddle it was in me to care for others and love. Thats still in me. I still want to mother others. I mother the heck out of my kiddos, but at the same time trying to learn to give them space to grow and learn on their own. But Im the type of person who will mother anyone, from a baby, a teenager to an adult. I see a need and I want to fill it. The old me who was a mother hen is also a mother bear. God save your sorry soul if you hurt someone I care for. God help you if you hurt the defenceless. But for some reason, I never protected myself.

I dont get that. Why not stand up for me? I distinctly recall instances where I came across someone hurting others. A couple months ago, a young lady was screaming at an elderly frail woman. I havent a clue what happened, but I think the old lady may have opened her door into the other girls car accidently. I flew out of my truck ran across the parking lot and the look on my face scared that girl into apologizing and driving away. I helped that sweet old lady into her car, calmed her down and made sure she was ok. But if the roles were reversed and someone was yelling at me over something like that, Id hunch my shoulders, curl up into myself and begin silently screaming. When did this start? Maybe its always been there but I hid it with a bravado I didnt know I had? I know I stood up for myself in the past. I remember confrontations with kids in highschool, with a punk on the streets. Fully prepared to scream back and let my fist fly to protect myself if need be. But ever since I met him. Well I guess he made me feel like I was nothing worth protecting. Because if I was worth something, then he wouldnt have hurt me.

I know I am worth something. Everyone is. I dont know what made me more vulnerable to being turned into a victim. Id say it was love. Finally allowing myself to love someone, only to have them take that love and use it against me. Im worth protecting. And I cant expect someone else to protect me. Its never happened in my life. So I need to learn to protect myself. Stand up for myself and believe in myself. Im doing that now. One itty bitty two steps forward and a giant step back. But Im salvaging my broken everything and learning how to use my voice to speak up for myself for a change.

I finally Had Enough

Ive been busy trying to figure things out. Come to terms with where my life is at now, and where it could possibly go. Burying myself in work to keep my mind off things at times, and other times I find myself sitting here blindly. Wondering how the hell its come to this. It was a bad week at first, but then most of my babies came home early from visitation which brightened my days.

I guess I will never understand how someone could ever be what he was/is. How does someone just decide to begin hurting others? To take the person who you profess to love and simply break them till they are barely alive anymore. To smash their trust, their heart, their soul to itty bitty pieces. To look into the face of the person who gives you their all, and hit them. Throw them to the ground and have no regrets. Show no remorse, because if you regretted it, had one iota of remorse, you wouldnt do it ever again. How can you pledge your love, take vows, then cheat on them? And if that wasnt bad enough, choke them till they black out. I gave that man my eveything. I stood by him even when hundreds of people hated him. But by then, I had no choice anymore. I gave my heart, he crushed it, he owned me and he knew it.

I suppose he thought I would never leave him. That I would always be his doormat. That he could continue to treat me horribly and never have to answer for his sins. That he could "have his cake and eat it too". And he probably would have gotten away with this for another forteen or more years. But I realized, staying for the kids was not really for the kids. As he slammed me against the wall and threw me to the ground, making hisself feel like a big man, I stopped screaming inside. It wasnt easier, and it wasnt harder. But something in me finally snapped, or finally fell into place. I finally had enough. I knew there was no way I could take anymore. I was shriveling up inside and there would be no going back, no staying alive. So I got away.

These past few months have been a roller coaster ride. Ive bounced back and forth between emotions. Had my ups and downs. Getting my ducks in a row and learning how to breath. Trying to get closure.

Debilitated

The other day I talked about flashbacks. They happen alot, ever since the abuse started years ago. I guess Ive learned to live with them, work around them in a way so I can still make it through the days. I dont like talking about things that could potentially make it hard for me to gain custody of my children. I view these "panic attacks" and whatever else they are as potential problems. But I know they are because of my ex. He did this to me. He has made it so I dont like to be touched. I shy away from people when they come near, flinch when an arm/hand is raised. Constantly waiting for a blow or cutting words. The anxiety is crushing, but I push forward because I refuse to not be what my children need me to be.

Ive connected on certain levels with some people. Trying to open up and give a little trust. On one hand I am eternally greatful to them. On the other I hate the fact that they have learned these awful things about me. And that they have opened my eyes to the fact that I do have a problem. When I listed my feelings and reactions to certain things they expressed their concerns. They mentioned something and I thought- wth, no way. I know I have panic attacks. But a friend said they were worried I may have ptsd. When she told me the symptons and other stuff about it, I realized she could be right. I sure as hell dont want this. But it explains why Im pretty much debilitated in certain situations. I freak the heck out when a man is around, especially one who has a build like my ex. I cant breath, I freeze up, I try to avoid places. I cant even get into my truck without peering into the windows first to make sure no one is hiding in the back seat. Im constantly looking around for danger. The counselor I have began seeing has brought up the looking around thing. She called it hyper something of another. When she brought it up I sat back and tried to pay attention, was I really doing that? As a shadow went by the window of her office I immediatly tracked it, pulled back in upon myself, ready to jump up and run or curl into myself. Holy crap. That asshole has turned me into more then just an empty shell of what I once was. He has made me freaking scared of a damn shadow!

So it seems I have a lot to deal with. That man sure has given me a lot of bad crap over the years. But Im thankful to him. Because without him I wouldnt have my babies. And despite how awful he was today when it came to discussing visitation, I still am thankful. He may have broken me into tiny pieces, but I guess in a way he has made me stronger then I would have been if I had never been exposed to his cruelty. I survived him. I survived these years and I got away.

Flashbacks

Last night I woke up around 2am, sweating and shaking. I dont want to call it a nightmare, so maybe a flashback, since it was me reliving a moment that happened. I remember the argument, the fear, the pathetic attempt at getting away, then nothing... I dont know how long I was out for. Long enough for 911 to keep attempting to get someone to answer after the screams stoppped, long enough for them to actually hang up, call back, then call our cell phone provider to try and get a location on us. Long enough for me to last remember being in the bathroom trying to lock the door, slamming against the wall and fumbling for my phone. Then finding myself being shaken awake on the bed. What happened during those lost moments between the bathroom and the bed? My body felt numb, but it was shaking. I remember him grabbing my shoulders and flopping me around, his hand smacking my cheek, his attempts at bringing me back. I know it was hard to talk. My lips felt tingly. Gasping for breath, trying to take in what had been denied for who knows how long. I think I was whining or wailing, depending on what you would call it. Im sure I wasnt screaming any longer, but was making some sort of noise, unable to control it. I remember that because he kept demanding I shut the hell up. Demanding I get myself under control and do as he said. He was extra angry now. I had called for help. Thrusting the phone into my hands he demanded I make up a story, say I dialed by accident, or that the kids had dialed. My kids?! I tried standing up, stumbling towards the doorway. Unable to make it, how long had he denied oxygen into my lungs? The kids were ok. Still downstairs, hopefully deaf to the noise taking place. The tv blotting out the horrors going on. It hurt to suck in air, my voice came out gravelly as I tried to concoct some story to appease the 911 operator. They didnt buy it. I dragged on clothes and put on a happy face for the kids downstairs, stumbling out the door onto the porch. Trying not to look the officers in the eyes. They knew. But there is nothing they could do, unless I said something. I was too afraid to say anything. I pulled my hair around my neck, hiding the bruises, staring at the ground and mumbling lies. Anything to make them leave. I remember the officers making me look at his face. I remember him telling me it will only get worse, that he could help me. His hand reaching for me and I wincing away. Just confirming what they already believed. I dont remember that officers name. I remember the sadness in his eyes, because he knew I was going to remain a victim.


I woke up from my "nightmare/flashback" at that point. I remember what happened after that, how stupid I was to not scream for them to save me. How stupid I was to listen to his crocodile tears and empty promises of never doing that again. I know everything happens for a reason. I was meant to meet and be with that man for a time. I was meant to bring three amazing children into this world. The pain and hardships I suffered at his hands must have a reason. There must be a bigger picture to all of this. I just havent found it yet. Maybe if I hadnt been the one to suffer from him during that time, some other girl would have, and she wouldnt have survived it. I dont know. But it scares me to know, he is going to break another girl. Because he wont stop.

Honesty

I have to be honest. Because Im that type of person. I cant tell a lie to save my life, and I dont like to lie to people because I know how much a lie ultimetly hurts. I have a lot of pent up emotions when it comes to my ex. Each day is different and I begin to feel different things. One thing that I hate feeling is betrayal. How he betrayed me in every way possible. What worries me the most is the fact that I feel more pain over his affairs, then I do over his abuse. Am I really that type of person? Abuse my body, but dont abuse my heart? Heck no. I dont want any of that.

I know in my head that the other women are not to blame. I mean, yes they should be held accountable for their actions, but he is the one who did it. Who even made it possible. Because if you truly loved someone, loved your family, then you wouldnt even be swayed at all by the notion of seeking another. In all the years of us being together I never so much as touched another man. Im the type of person who gives myself over completly. I can admit openly if I feel someone is attractive, but Id do the same for my own gender. I can giggle and whisper with the "girls" over some random person. But no, I wouldnt cross the line and do anything with that person. Heck you would be hard pressed to get me to go within a five feet of someone else. So its hard for me to understand how someone could cheat.

The most recent play thing of his really bothers me. Because I know that she knew we were married and living together. She took pride in being the other woman. I cant understand that. I cant wrap my mind around how a woman, especially a woman- you know the gender of our species who is supposed to nurture and care and who through time have proven to be the ones who put others first for the ultimate good of all. Well I cant understand how she would take pleasure in destroying a family. Yes I know, this family was destroyed the moment my ex decided to be the awful person he is. But does she have no morals? No shame? She was the straw to break the camels back. In her twisted mind didnt she realize, she was breaking three childrens lives apart by shamelessly luring their father to her bed. Wouldnt she have no feelings at all about how it would feel if someone did this to her? I waver back and forth between disgust and anger for her. And Pity. Thats right, I feel bad for her. Thats awful, Me the scorned woman, actually has sympathy for the woman who felt the need to actively seek out a married man and destroy a family. One moment I want to rail at her, the other I want to pray for her.

The thing is, I need to stay honest with myself. I need to accept all the feelings I have over this situation. The pain, The shame, The anger, The sadness, the everything. Because if I try to repress any of it, it will just prolong the pain. I want to move on and find comfort and joy in my life. My children bring me that, but I need to be able to find it in myself. He may have broken my heart, my body and my mind. But Im realizing that he didnt truly break my spirit. Because if he had, I wouldnt have been able to get away from him.

Nightmare

Can a nightmare kill you? I swear to god I cant handle the stress anymore. Everyday its something new, or more like just a constant go round with him. And at night its an endless replay of everything that has happened, everything that Ive seen and heard. When I finally do manage to fall asleep, Im plagued by nightmares of him taking my children. Him and his evil family doing what they have threatened and making sure I never see my babies again.

I woke up the other night to hearing one of my dogs screaming. Not a bark or a growl, but a scream of pain. My first thought was someone had broken into the house and was killing the dog as they made their way upstairs. My second thought was it was him. I grabbed a knife and ran downstairs. Fully prepared to take on whoever was hurting my puppy. Heart racing I came to a stop once I reached the living room. No one was there except one scared sleeping puppy who was having a nightmare. I woke him up and calmed him down. Is he having nightmares of that bastard too?

Im not the type of person who can function without 8 or more hours of sleep. But somehow Im making it through the days these past few months. Maybe I should find a second job, work a night shift during the time he has the kids for overnights. Its not like Im sleeping anyways. And I could really use the money. My roof is shot. There is no fixing it, Im waiting for the day it caves in and traps me in this hell hole for good. I need to sell the house, Im two months behind on payments with no help in sight. My truck is dead, my fridge is puttering out its last attempts at cold air and Im still wearing some clothes from a decade ago. But on the bright side, there is food in the cupboards and new clean clothes on my kids. The bad side, I dont know how long the food part will last. The stomach churning part is, I look at my faithful pups who have put their lives on the line to protect me from him, and think, should I find them new homes? Someone who can afford to buy them the brand of food their health requires. Someone who could afford a vet if god forbid something happened. Makes me want to puke. They have their required shots, the pup was taken to the vet not long ago for what turned out to be nothing but still cost me a couple hundred. And I can afford to buy crappy food. I need to win the lotto- but I cant, since I dont dare waste a single dollar to buy a ticket.

So I wonder if I could manage to sell the house for enough to pay the remainder of the mortgage and perhaps have some $ left. But where would I go. Apartments go for more then I can afford around here. And the custody agreement states the kids Have to stay in this school district for five more years. My shoulders are weighted down by so much. The days are turning into nightmares too. But I will find a way. I have to. I will do whatever I can for my kids.

So Tired

I wrote a bunch, then deleted it. Im just so confused and hurt right now. I dont know what to say. I am very worried for my kids. I know the ex is breaking several parts of the custody agreement. Having people that are not allowed to be near the kids, near them. Saying negative/lies to the kids regarding me. Making the children lie about things that happen to them when they are there. Having overnight guests, and not being present at all during his visitation hours- leaving them with his family so he can go and spend time with his girlfriend instead. When I try to remind him about the custody order, he flips out. Last night I picked two of my babies up from him, they wanted home and he didnt want to deal with them. As I loaded the kids up into my vehical he reached over and rubbed my thigh. I jumped away, couldnt say anything with the kids all eyes and ears. I just drove off. Today he texted about coming over and 'taking care of me'. I said no and ignored him unless it was about the kids. Then tonight when two of the kids came back home again he was very rude, angry and threatening. He had a friend with him, a friend who gave me dirty looks and mouthed awful stuff towards me. Im just so tired of his mood swings. So tired of his games. So tired of everything.

I want tomorrow to come, so my oldest has to come home. So I can make sure all of my babies are at least physically ok. So I can then hide in the bathroom and cry over the pain my kids are going thru. Tomorrow Im going to see about making a deal with the devil. Figure of speech, but somene who I hate and who hates me in return, we both have an invested interest in beating my ex. I need help from whatever angle I can get it. I will give up my soul to keep my kids safe. And I know their father is not safe for them.

You think I still Want You?

Eventually I stopped cleaning after the kids left. I found comfort in the mess. Which is weird because messes drive me nuts. I hate not having things done. It stresses me out, always there nagging in the back of my mind that it needs to be taken care of. But I dropped the laundry and just stared at the pile that needed folding. I left the toys that were scattered across my bed and just took comfort in the mayhem my kids had created before leaving for the day. I tried to go out and do something out of my comfort zone. Be "crazy", be not "me". Im not going to talk about that yet. Still figuring things out.

Everyday I wake earlier and earlier, 4am in the norm for me now. I growl at the clock, I shouldnt be seeing 4am unless I worked on a farm again. So I left for work early and just sat downstairs waiting for 8 to come. Also had my truck die on me, thankfully I left early, I managed to run into my brother at the gas station, right when I found my truck spewing antifreeze everywheres. He did the "guy thing", popped the hood, fiddled with parts that I have no idea what they are called or do. Then announced the radiator cracked, dont drive, good luck. Gee thanks. So I continued to drive to work. Oh well. The thing can go ahead and blow up. I need to make a living. Once its dead, I guess I can just hike into town.

The last conversations I had with the ex was via text of course, I refuse to verbally speak to him. He was spouting how I can not talk to him unless it regards the kids. Really? Thats what I want, so good. He was "cold" and rude in his texts. Then there was that "I love You" the next morning. Then nothing. I refused to answer. Then today I texted my children (yes I gave them a phone so they could get ahold of me when they are with him) He was telling them to pass msgs on to me. Tell me that he loves me. Why cant he leave the kids out of "this"? Then when I told my oldest that I wouldnt be able to drop something off since my truck had broke, he obviously read it, then texted me via his phone. Offering to give me rides. I didnt respond. He then had it sent from my kids phone. I said no thanks. I really cant handle his Hot and Cold. His mood swings, or his bipolar issues.

In a perfect world what i would like is for us to get along. Be able to talk about things regarding the kids. In a friendly matter. Be able to include the other along for events that include the kids. Host birthday parties together, and other crap like that. Get along. Not hate eachother with a vengence, not see one another and want to scream. But this isnt a perfect world. And he is far from perfect. And so am I. I have so much to work on. So much to let go of. So much to fix.

What I dont understand is why he doesnt let me go. He has someone new. He can go have the life he wants to live and no one to tell him he is wrong. But he is still trying to convince me to take him back, that Im the wrong one. Life can be all fairytales and happily ever afters, if I go back to him. He acts like I can never have another life. That I wont find happiness, that I cant. That he is as good as it gets. No other guy would want me. He thinks I still want him. That what he has done is fine. That there is no way for me to do this. No way for me to walk away from him and stay away. Brings to mind a song. You just swap the lyric that says "Girl" to a "Guy" and its good to go. Practically friggin perfect. SR-71 Mosquito

You think I still want you, After all you put me through. You think I cant walk away and find someone better for me....