The first time he hit me

Last night I had a nightmare. I was reliving first time he really hurt me. I was sitting at the computer, my heart on the ground, my stomach revolting as I read the emails between him and another woman. Here I was pregnant with his child, the child he demanded we try for. And the real reason he wanted a 2nd chd? To try and force me to stay, give him more leverage over me. Well there I was pregnant and reading the shocking things they had said to each other. When suddenly he walks into the room and screams at me, grabs me and slams me thru the chair and onto the ground. He kicked me and is yelling and slamming stuff. I curled into a ball to try and protect my unborn baby. He pulls me up and slams me against a wall, rips his wedding ring off an throws it across the room. He slams me repeatedly against the wall while yelling in my face. Then tosses me into the room and demands I find his run or he will kill me. The entire time I am crying, terrified he is going to kill my baby and me. Terrified he is going to kill our daughter who is strapped into her car seat listening to the brutality her father is creating.

Eventually he calmed down. But he wouldn't let me talk to anyone or see anyone for a few days. I had to pretend to forgive him. I had to apologize for upsetting him. Then he finally let me use the car and the first thing I did was go to the sheriffs. I made a complaint but then I became terrified of what would happen next. The officer practically begged me to file charges so they could arrest him. But I was scared and didn't do it. The report is there on file. A reference point to the first time he became physical enough to leave bruises and cause me to limp painfully to the sheriffs. I should have let them help me. But I didn't want to be known as a victim. But it was to late for that.

I woke from this nightmare and layed awake for hours. So upset that I had ever became involved with such a cruel madman. So upset that he is in mine and the children's lives. I do not love him. I do not care for him at all. I hate him. I know for a fact that I never truly loved him. I cared for him once upon a time but it wasn't love. I know what love feels like now.