Saying Goodbye To My Kids

This morning marked the first day that my children will be beginning visitation with him for the actual time described in our original custody agreement. God how I wish I had never agreed to it. I slept horribly. Which is nothing new. But as I woke my children up and got them ready I could barely keep the tears from flooding the house. Originally I thought I should be fair. The kids should see their father equally. When we sat down and came to the terms we did he was all for appearing to be a kind person who 'cared' and was the one who was 'wronged'. So we split a week up. How awful. So today my kids left and wont be back till wednesday. Its supposed to be 84hrs. 84hrs of hell. And Im sure alot more tears. As he pulled away with the kids piled in the back seat he turned and gave me an awful look. Gloating over hurting me. Eventually I noticed I had a text msg from him. Saying 'I Love You.' God his mind games are killing me

Im their mother. I struggled through pregnancy, trying to give them all they needed to survive. Only to have each one born way too early. Preemies. Little 2lb, 3lb and 4lb preemies. Miracles. I have talked with drs trying to figure out why. What was wrong with my body? Well stress is a big factor. what do you expect an abused womans body to do? But their premature births just compounded what he said. I was a failure. I was worthless. But no. I know now that HE is the failure and he is the worthless one.

Im walking around my house. Cleaning up after the kids. Hugging my babies stuffy and special blanket to my chest and weeping into it. Making their beds and just staring around, lost. I want to crawl into bed and bawl until Im too numb to think or feel anymore. It would be nice not to feel anymore. Just to have a reprieve from the pain and non stop thoughts swirling through my foggy brain. A deep sleep with no dreams, no nightmares. No waking up at all hours of the night and unable to fall back to sleep.

How do parents with children of divorce function when they dont have their kids with them? How do you fill the time? How do you not go crazy with worry for your babies. I wish it was wednesday. Oh what I would give to have them back home with me. Id happily let them make the house a mess. Just so I could have sticky fingers wrapped around my hand. Have boogy noses wiping against my shoulder as they hug me. Just so I can hear their sweet voices talk about anything and everything. To hear them, and to see them as they Tell me they Love Me.