Ghost

Nightmares pretty much have ruined any chance of sleep the past few days. He haunted me in real life for so many years now he is attacking me in my dreams. I woke up gasping and screaming this morning. I had dreamt he was sneaking into my house and watching me. That he had attacked me like he had done so many times in the past. Then the dream became the most horrifying thing possible. Because of him, my youngest was dead, my oldest missing and my middle child traumatized. I wasnt able to fall back to sleep after that. I was so worked up from it I ended up texting him to see how the children were. As I drove into work I cried the whole way. Kept reliving the dream and had to battle myself from turning the car around and going to see my kids. I dont want to go to sleep tonight.

To top this wonderful day off, as I walked from my mailbox he drove up and stopped to say something. Seeing him in person just shocked me. I was terrified. He even made a comment on how I looked like Id seen a ghost. Well he is my ghost. My personal demon who haunts the shit out of me. Not to mention he had texted something earlier that hinted at him eventually going for custody. I cant handle this. I just recieved a repair bill for my furnace, $500 due within 10 days of getting the bill. Lets toss in the other bills due this month too and Im left with no idea how to swing this. And with christmas around the corner, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Meanwhile he has it so damn easy. No bills, no worries, his mama gives him a home and food and pays for anything he wants, and whatever she may not cover, his girlfriends do. That man has never had to take care of hisself and he is older then I am.

Here I am, inside my house. I had planned on going out and doing a few things. But seeing him, just unsettled me so much. I dont know what Im going to do now. I just know things cant keep going as they are.