Stronger Then Before

I dont write as much as I could. There are times where I just need to process everything and keep it to myself for awhile, or sometimes forever. Its been quite a journey since I became strong enough to escape my nightmare of a marriage. For so long I thought I was a weak person. I stayed in a situation because it was "easier". Well maybe it was "easier" but it was also "Harder". That near decade of hell also had moments of heaven. Without me ever meeting Him, I would never have had my children. And they truly have made everything worth it. But I dont only live for my kids now. I live for myself now too.

Ive forgiven myself for anything I felt that I needed to. Anything I held against myself. Ive moved on. Ive found peace with all of that. And as for him, well I wont lie. There are days where I have 'forgiven' him. Not in the sense that its ok. But more like in the sense that its the past, I want to move on, I wont let what happened hurt me anymore. He was a part of my life for so long. And he was a bad bad person. But he had very random occasional nice moments and those rare moments of happiness did happen. I wont lie and hide those times from my memory. That isnt healing, thats sticking your head in the sand.

This past year has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. In truth the marriage was over within months of the "I Do's". And right after our last child was born it drastically worsened due to His actions. I wanted out so badly. Each following year we grew further apart, his behavior became worse and eventually we truly were two people living together seperately, play acting occasionally for others. He was having his cake and eating it too. I pasted on a happy smile for people to see, for my kids. I had shrivelled up inside from his cruel treatment. It was only a matter of time before I gave up or he killed me.

But since then I have learned to love myself. Be strong, be optimistic, to believe in not only others but in myself. And I know I will have bad days now and then. We all do. But I also know the good will outweigh the bad. And it has been. I have found happiness with myself. With my kids. And with others. Circumstances make or break you. And I really thought I was broken. But guess what. Im put back together and Im stronger then before.