Bad Days..

There are good days, then there are days like yesterday. He did a 180 again and threw me for a loop. Im still spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do. He does that whole Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing way to well and way to often. He went from agreeable and polite to vicious and threatening. From acting like a good parent, to suddenly demanding he has no monetary obligations for his children. Demanding that I pay him for things he has at his parents that the kids dont need or really want. I dont ask for support. I dont want any from him (he never supported our family), we share the kids 50/50 even though they usually beg to come home to me and cut his visitation short, so I have them more. I dont ask for money for their food, clothes, toys, activities etc. What they do with me is my expense. Just like what they do with him is his expense. But school related stuffs and copays for drs or medicine should be shared. He doesnt view it that way. At first he was fine with this. Then out of no where he goes all Mr Hyde, threatening me, saying awful things, just off the wall bat shit crazy. I married that. Makes me feel like I must have been crazy at one point to even get involved with him.

But thats the thing. When I met him, he acted so different. He knows how to play the game very well. I had so many people come to me, warn me, tell me what he really was like. I heard so many crazy stories that there was no way they could be true. But they were. I was blinded by the notion that love could conquer all. Everyone deserved another chance, people can change. Little did I know he could change. Into what he really was, which he had been hiding behind a thin veil of civility. He had no regard for the law. Felt he was above it, and had no remorse when throwing his friends under the bus to take the fall for him. Forcing me to go along with what he said and cover for him or face the consquences. Lied about anything and everything, made up such wild stories that only idiots would believe and I admit it, I was an idiot, but there were things I knew from the get go were so far fetched there was not a shred of truth in them. But I felt sorry for him and let it slide, feeling that with guidence he could get past that. I was wrong. He gets some kind of perverse pleasure from hurting others both emotionally and physically. For years I heard how I wasnt good enough, how I needed to do this and that to be worthy of him. One second he would tell me how I was nothing, the next he would toss me a compliment. One second he would hug me, the next choke me into oblivion. He never could hold a job for very long. Coworkers and boss's would tire of his crap fast, he never believed in being on time, would call in sick or usually make me do it for him. The list goes on. Just writing this makes me sick. Because I was married to that.

This morning my children left with him. Makes me want to puke when I think that, that crazy person is near my kids. A couple asked then cried to stay with me and I felt like the worst parent of all time by telling them they had to spend time with him. I know what perverse things he did to me mentally and physically. Would he ever transfer that towards the children? What can I do to prevent this. He scares me to the point where my life is so disrupted now. He still drives by my house, my work, follows me around town. Others have witnessed this, hell, even strangers have mentioned "that vehical has drove past here several times since you walked in". When walking the dog I panicked the other day. Cutting across a parking lot hidden behind buildings I heard foot steps quickening behind me. I hurried my pace and when I threw a glance over my shoulder all I saw was a large man in a hoodie coming towards me. Total mind fuck. Looked just like him, I sprinted away and eventually found myself standing in front of my truck at the sheriffs station. I was too agitated to think straight. Thank god for the dog. I know he stopped me a few times from running into traffic and led me back to the truck. I make sure to park by the sheriffs. Makes me feel safer.

I work. I walk the dog. I spend time with my kids. Thats my life right now. I want to do more. But for now thats ok. I was stressing out so badly about needing to 'get a life'. Looking for things to do and people to do it with. Well, I need to feel more secure and comfortable doing what I already do. Once I get past that then I can expand my life, otherwise Im going to be so panicked I wont get to enjoy it. Once I can find a way to not worry about him coming after me, him ruling my life anymore, then I can have a better life. Have a life.