Decimated

I had a really great post all written out in my head, but it all was quickly erased by him. Just one experiance with him, can just decimate everything I have going for me. I tried to do what is right, the whole good parenting thing. Tried to communicate with him about an ongoing issue with one of the babes and I knew inside of me, without a doubt he would make me regret speaking with him verbally. When I answered his call I didnt have enough time to fortify the walls Ive been building to protect myself from his manipulative ways. Within seconds he turned everything around and had me doubting myself, feeling like I was backed to being whipped down to the ground, cowering and was just a breath from my lips away to agreeing to him and acknowledging that he was the superior one. But somewhere inside of me, I poked my head out from under a blanket and got up off of my knees and told him to shut up. That it wasnt about him, but it was about the kids and he needed to take his head out of his ass and realize that.

But here I am days later still trying to sort things out in my head. Too much time to reflect back on everything. I really need to find something to do. Last night I had a terrifying nightmare and woke up physically ill from it. Thank god before I went to bed I had scrubbed the entire bathroom including the toilet, because if I had been heaving into that while it was dirty I would have felt alot worse.
With no where to go and nothing to do today I think Im just going to curl up on the couch and watch movies and pig out despite my ultimatum to myself to begin dieting. Its just gonna be one of those crappy days. It started off awful with that dream, became worse when I had to see his face this morning when passing the kids to him, listening to his drivel. And now here I sit, with a whirlwind in my head. Maybe I will attempt taking a walk, dog included obviously. I wish we had more places that allowed you to bring pets in with you. There are a couple stores that I can go that let me bring my dog inside. But Id like to go out to eat, but get to nervous and end up freaking out unless I have an "anchor" with me. And surprisingly the dog acts like one. Pulls me back from taking too much in at once.