Passing in the Night

We all say things we wish we hadnt said. Did something we regret. At times we know what we are doing is wrong even as we do it, other times it takes awhile for us to realize that it wasnt right. I know that its unrealistic to expect or demand that I never mess up. Im going to make more mistakes as I navigate this twisted messed up life Ive been living. Eventually those twists and turns will start to straighten out (I hope) and things wont be as hard. For the most part when I think about him, I just want him to hurt. For him to feel everything that he has made me feel over the past decade. But when I calm down and I truly look at things with my heart and my mind, I realize that the right thing is just to accept things. I want peace. And wishing the opposite onto others isnt going to help me find peace. That man is the father to my children. And right now, he is a monster. The things he has done are wrong on so many levels. I dont want him to continue to be a monster. I want him to change, to become the person I thought he could become. I want this not for me. I want this for my children, but also for him.

I need to accept what has happened to me. I need to accept that things can never be the same and that some things will never be the way I had wished they could be. Im no longer that little girl with bright dreams. Im also no longer that woman who was locked up, giving up on anything more. For so long I tried to be want he wanted and I was dissapearing. Withdrawing from the world and from myself. It was never enough. Nothing could be. I dont ever want to fall into that again.

Last night I dreamt that an inlaw had died. In my dream I was not happy over this. I was sad. Sad for my children. I woke up and I sat there huddled under my blankets reliving the dream. This person is someone who I feel and know would hurt me if given the chance. They will always stand by him and do what is needed for him to get what he wants. But despite this, I wish them no harm and I was tempted to call them just to make sure they were ok. This person has hurt me with their bigotry. Especialy with their double standards. They live the opposite of what they preach. I cant help but hate them at times, for they raised him and he is a product of his upbringing. But no, I dont want anyone to be hurt, not honestly that is.

I want it to be to the point where we are just someone we used to know. No hurt, no anger, no love, no sadness, no confusion between us. Two ships that passed in the night. I want to move on and I want him to move on as well.