Sunday, September 1, 2013
occasional smile with daily tears
So I heard something the other day and it really hit home. The more I thought about it the more right it felt. Its my fault. Its not about what he did and didnt do. Its about what I chose to accept for so damn long. And I know that staying or leaving is never an easy choice for anyone. Everything happens in the time its meant to. Its my fault that I trusted his words and ignored his actions. Every damn apology he ever sent my way was a lie, because words mean nothing. I gave my all to a sick bastard and all he ever gave me was abuse. Our marriage was a one way street full of double standards and backwards bs. I stayed for all the wrong reasons when all along he gave me every damn reason to leave. I was hanging onto something that was never even there. He never was a man. He was a monster in disguise. I broke my own heart by continuesly trying with him. Taking what he dished out on a daily basis and thinking to myself if I tried to be whatever it was he wanted, maybe then he would come around. Maybe he could change. I was wrong. So the choice finally came clear to me and I left. I managed to walk away and by doing so I stopped breaking my own heart.
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um, yeah. you chose to stay way too long. I will agree with you there. many women do(and men too, sometimes are the victims of domestic violence.) Someone once told me a long time ago "don't own other peoples shit." So the choice to stay as long as you did for whatever reason(s) was yours. The choice to abuse you was his. Period. Don't own his shit. Excuse my profanity. Excuse my bluntness. But I don't buy that bull. It is NEVER the victims fault. So someday, God forbid, if one of your children is the victim of domestic violence, will it in any way, even if she/he chooses to stay with their aggressor, be your child's fault that their spouse/significant other beats them?
ReplyDeleteI will tell you something that I've shared with very few people. My daughter is currently in an abusive marriage. Her husband is verbally and physically abusive. She recently had their third baby. My husband and I have tried for years to get her to walk away from her husband. She won't do it. I don't know why. Well, that's not entirely true. I think low self worth is a big part of it. Another part is probably that she doesn't want to be a single mother, all though she already is in everything but title. She chooses to stay with her aggressor. This infuriates me. Both at her, for staying, and him for hurting her. But it is NOT her fault that he hurts her. Bull shit. No man has the right to hit a woman, or verbally abuse her, just because he has a penis, and she's there. That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard.
Please, forgive my rant. It angers me to hear a woman -any woman- blame herself because a man abuses her. I don't know who told you that, but they're full of it. Kindly tell them I said to frigging put a sock in it!
Ruby- I dont think I explained it very well. I was sorta in a rush when I wrote that (kids/pets all going crazy)What I meant was, by accepting what was my fault it would help me "set myself free". He no longer has the power in any sense of the word. I kept blaming him for everything. Sticking myself in a limbo- as if I was still waiting for him to finally step up, admit to what he did and fix it. But thats not what I want. I dont want him to fix it, Cuz I dont want him at all. From here on, its not about what he did and does still. Its about what Im going to choose to accept from here on out. I still dont feel like Im explaining this well.
ReplyDeleteAs for what you said- your 100% right. It is never NEVER ok for a man to abuse a woman (or a woman to abuse a man- For anyone to abuse anyone!) It is never the victims fault. For a long time I did wonder to myself- "what did I do to deserve this? Did I not cook good enough, clean well enough, be his idea of pretty?" Eventually I woke up and realized none of that was on me- it was on him. I broke my own heart by staying with him after he first cheated, after he first hit me. I wish I could have been one of those strong women who when it first happens to them, say fuck that! And leave. But I wasnt one of those strong women. But a woman who stays in an abusive relatinship isnt weak either. She is strong in other ways. No two situations are alike. I have no right to judge anyone. Its hard not to though.
Please forgive the harshness of my response to your post. I hear so many women blame themselves for the abuse they receive. For a long time, I blamed myself for the way my first husband treated me. Children frequently blame themselves for the abuse they suffer at the hands of their parents, or the abuse they witness in their homes. And it angers me. No, infuriates me! If there's anything I can do to help any woman, child or even man see that they are not to blame for being abused, I will do it. I will get in their face and tell them that they are full of crap if they tell me that it's their fault. My daughter simply will not hear it though. And I think that's a part of why I was so blunt in my response to your post.
ReplyDeleteYou are so much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. You're a survivor. You've walked away, you say "broken but alive." I say "bent" maybe, but not broken. There's an inner strength in any abuse survivor that manages to get her and her children away from that kind of situation alive. You'll learn in time that the power he had over you, was all in his head. You can take it back. It's yours. Yours to give. Yours to take back.You are so much more powerful than you know. Believe that.