New Year, New life.

Its a new year. Many people have started it out with resolutions that they hope to keep. Diets, relationships, work, everything. I did not make one. I started one last year when I finally became strong enough or broken enough to end a marriage that had slowly yet surely been killing me. I stood up for myself for the first time in a long time and said I had had enough. I wasnt going to allow that man to abuse me physically and emotionally any more.

Since then I have grown into a stronger person. I have learned to love myself again. I have self worth. I have a life. I live for me, I live for my children. I wont let anyone bring me down again. And now when I look back onto those times I know that they happened for a reason. That reason is becoming more clear to me everyday.

He was a pathetic excuse of a man, not a real man. Even now he still tries to trouble my life but I stick to my 'guns' and refuse to let him break me or try to ruin my newfound happiness. He tries to brainwash the kids, the other day having one of them call me and I could hear him in the background coaching my child on what to say to me. All awful stuff. When my kiddos come home I talk with them and remind them of how they know the truth and they have the right to form their own opionions and be who they are. Not what someone tries to make them. I fear for my children. Their father is doing everything he can to ruin their lives in the long run. I just wish I could take my children and move away from here, away from him. Give my children a fresh start where the taint of him wont reach as easily. But its not possible right now. He still controls me in some ways and thats in making it so I cant leave this area.

Its a sad thing when you dont know how to react to someone treating you right. To someone showing you kindness, doing something nice for you. To someone caring for you and wanting to love you. Its almost like a deer in the headlights. Your frozen, you dont know if you should keep moving to the front, left or right or to throw it in reverse. I stare blindly at a gift and wonder what am I supposed to do now? Stuttering out a thank you but a part of your brain is running a mile a second wondering if its a trick, if something bad is going to follow, what strings are attached? But then guess what. There is nothing tagged along with these simple acts of kindness of love. All that is attached is love, followed by more love. And its wonderful. And I want to give that in return.