I finally Had Enough

Ive been busy trying to figure things out. Come to terms with where my life is at now, and where it could possibly go. Burying myself in work to keep my mind off things at times, and other times I find myself sitting here blindly. Wondering how the hell its come to this. It was a bad week at first, but then most of my babies came home early from visitation which brightened my days.

I guess I will never understand how someone could ever be what he was/is. How does someone just decide to begin hurting others? To take the person who you profess to love and simply break them till they are barely alive anymore. To smash their trust, their heart, their soul to itty bitty pieces. To look into the face of the person who gives you their all, and hit them. Throw them to the ground and have no regrets. Show no remorse, because if you regretted it, had one iota of remorse, you wouldnt do it ever again. How can you pledge your love, take vows, then cheat on them? And if that wasnt bad enough, choke them till they black out. I gave that man my eveything. I stood by him even when hundreds of people hated him. But by then, I had no choice anymore. I gave my heart, he crushed it, he owned me and he knew it.

I suppose he thought I would never leave him. That I would always be his doormat. That he could continue to treat me horribly and never have to answer for his sins. That he could "have his cake and eat it too". And he probably would have gotten away with this for another forteen or more years. But I realized, staying for the kids was not really for the kids. As he slammed me against the wall and threw me to the ground, making hisself feel like a big man, I stopped screaming inside. It wasnt easier, and it wasnt harder. But something in me finally snapped, or finally fell into place. I finally had enough. I knew there was no way I could take anymore. I was shriveling up inside and there would be no going back, no staying alive. So I got away.

These past few months have been a roller coaster ride. Ive bounced back and forth between emotions. Had my ups and downs. Getting my ducks in a row and learning how to breath. Trying to get closure.

Debilitated

The other day I talked about flashbacks. They happen alot, ever since the abuse started years ago. I guess Ive learned to live with them, work around them in a way so I can still make it through the days. I dont like talking about things that could potentially make it hard for me to gain custody of my children. I view these "panic attacks" and whatever else they are as potential problems. But I know they are because of my ex. He did this to me. He has made it so I dont like to be touched. I shy away from people when they come near, flinch when an arm/hand is raised. Constantly waiting for a blow or cutting words. The anxiety is crushing, but I push forward because I refuse to not be what my children need me to be.

Ive connected on certain levels with some people. Trying to open up and give a little trust. On one hand I am eternally greatful to them. On the other I hate the fact that they have learned these awful things about me. And that they have opened my eyes to the fact that I do have a problem. When I listed my feelings and reactions to certain things they expressed their concerns. They mentioned something and I thought- wth, no way. I know I have panic attacks. But a friend said they were worried I may have ptsd. When she told me the symptons and other stuff about it, I realized she could be right. I sure as hell dont want this. But it explains why Im pretty much debilitated in certain situations. I freak the heck out when a man is around, especially one who has a build like my ex. I cant breath, I freeze up, I try to avoid places. I cant even get into my truck without peering into the windows first to make sure no one is hiding in the back seat. Im constantly looking around for danger. The counselor I have began seeing has brought up the looking around thing. She called it hyper something of another. When she brought it up I sat back and tried to pay attention, was I really doing that? As a shadow went by the window of her office I immediatly tracked it, pulled back in upon myself, ready to jump up and run or curl into myself. Holy crap. That asshole has turned me into more then just an empty shell of what I once was. He has made me freaking scared of a damn shadow!

So it seems I have a lot to deal with. That man sure has given me a lot of bad crap over the years. But Im thankful to him. Because without him I wouldnt have my babies. And despite how awful he was today when it came to discussing visitation, I still am thankful. He may have broken me into tiny pieces, but I guess in a way he has made me stronger then I would have been if I had never been exposed to his cruelty. I survived him. I survived these years and I got away.

Flashbacks

Last night I woke up around 2am, sweating and shaking. I dont want to call it a nightmare, so maybe a flashback, since it was me reliving a moment that happened. I remember the argument, the fear, the pathetic attempt at getting away, then nothing... I dont know how long I was out for. Long enough for 911 to keep attempting to get someone to answer after the screams stoppped, long enough for them to actually hang up, call back, then call our cell phone provider to try and get a location on us. Long enough for me to last remember being in the bathroom trying to lock the door, slamming against the wall and fumbling for my phone. Then finding myself being shaken awake on the bed. What happened during those lost moments between the bathroom and the bed? My body felt numb, but it was shaking. I remember him grabbing my shoulders and flopping me around, his hand smacking my cheek, his attempts at bringing me back. I know it was hard to talk. My lips felt tingly. Gasping for breath, trying to take in what had been denied for who knows how long. I think I was whining or wailing, depending on what you would call it. Im sure I wasnt screaming any longer, but was making some sort of noise, unable to control it. I remember that because he kept demanding I shut the hell up. Demanding I get myself under control and do as he said. He was extra angry now. I had called for help. Thrusting the phone into my hands he demanded I make up a story, say I dialed by accident, or that the kids had dialed. My kids?! I tried standing up, stumbling towards the doorway. Unable to make it, how long had he denied oxygen into my lungs? The kids were ok. Still downstairs, hopefully deaf to the noise taking place. The tv blotting out the horrors going on. It hurt to suck in air, my voice came out gravelly as I tried to concoct some story to appease the 911 operator. They didnt buy it. I dragged on clothes and put on a happy face for the kids downstairs, stumbling out the door onto the porch. Trying not to look the officers in the eyes. They knew. But there is nothing they could do, unless I said something. I was too afraid to say anything. I pulled my hair around my neck, hiding the bruises, staring at the ground and mumbling lies. Anything to make them leave. I remember the officers making me look at his face. I remember him telling me it will only get worse, that he could help me. His hand reaching for me and I wincing away. Just confirming what they already believed. I dont remember that officers name. I remember the sadness in his eyes, because he knew I was going to remain a victim.


I woke up from my "nightmare/flashback" at that point. I remember what happened after that, how stupid I was to not scream for them to save me. How stupid I was to listen to his crocodile tears and empty promises of never doing that again. I know everything happens for a reason. I was meant to meet and be with that man for a time. I was meant to bring three amazing children into this world. The pain and hardships I suffered at his hands must have a reason. There must be a bigger picture to all of this. I just havent found it yet. Maybe if I hadnt been the one to suffer from him during that time, some other girl would have, and she wouldnt have survived it. I dont know. But it scares me to know, he is going to break another girl. Because he wont stop.

Honesty

I have to be honest. Because Im that type of person. I cant tell a lie to save my life, and I dont like to lie to people because I know how much a lie ultimetly hurts. I have a lot of pent up emotions when it comes to my ex. Each day is different and I begin to feel different things. One thing that I hate feeling is betrayal. How he betrayed me in every way possible. What worries me the most is the fact that I feel more pain over his affairs, then I do over his abuse. Am I really that type of person? Abuse my body, but dont abuse my heart? Heck no. I dont want any of that.

I know in my head that the other women are not to blame. I mean, yes they should be held accountable for their actions, but he is the one who did it. Who even made it possible. Because if you truly loved someone, loved your family, then you wouldnt even be swayed at all by the notion of seeking another. In all the years of us being together I never so much as touched another man. Im the type of person who gives myself over completly. I can admit openly if I feel someone is attractive, but Id do the same for my own gender. I can giggle and whisper with the "girls" over some random person. But no, I wouldnt cross the line and do anything with that person. Heck you would be hard pressed to get me to go within a five feet of someone else. So its hard for me to understand how someone could cheat.

The most recent play thing of his really bothers me. Because I know that she knew we were married and living together. She took pride in being the other woman. I cant understand that. I cant wrap my mind around how a woman, especially a woman- you know the gender of our species who is supposed to nurture and care and who through time have proven to be the ones who put others first for the ultimate good of all. Well I cant understand how she would take pleasure in destroying a family. Yes I know, this family was destroyed the moment my ex decided to be the awful person he is. But does she have no morals? No shame? She was the straw to break the camels back. In her twisted mind didnt she realize, she was breaking three childrens lives apart by shamelessly luring their father to her bed. Wouldnt she have no feelings at all about how it would feel if someone did this to her? I waver back and forth between disgust and anger for her. And Pity. Thats right, I feel bad for her. Thats awful, Me the scorned woman, actually has sympathy for the woman who felt the need to actively seek out a married man and destroy a family. One moment I want to rail at her, the other I want to pray for her.

The thing is, I need to stay honest with myself. I need to accept all the feelings I have over this situation. The pain, The shame, The anger, The sadness, the everything. Because if I try to repress any of it, it will just prolong the pain. I want to move on and find comfort and joy in my life. My children bring me that, but I need to be able to find it in myself. He may have broken my heart, my body and my mind. But Im realizing that he didnt truly break my spirit. Because if he had, I wouldnt have been able to get away from him.

Nightmare

Can a nightmare kill you? I swear to god I cant handle the stress anymore. Everyday its something new, or more like just a constant go round with him. And at night its an endless replay of everything that has happened, everything that Ive seen and heard. When I finally do manage to fall asleep, Im plagued by nightmares of him taking my children. Him and his evil family doing what they have threatened and making sure I never see my babies again.

I woke up the other night to hearing one of my dogs screaming. Not a bark or a growl, but a scream of pain. My first thought was someone had broken into the house and was killing the dog as they made their way upstairs. My second thought was it was him. I grabbed a knife and ran downstairs. Fully prepared to take on whoever was hurting my puppy. Heart racing I came to a stop once I reached the living room. No one was there except one scared sleeping puppy who was having a nightmare. I woke him up and calmed him down. Is he having nightmares of that bastard too?

Im not the type of person who can function without 8 or more hours of sleep. But somehow Im making it through the days these past few months. Maybe I should find a second job, work a night shift during the time he has the kids for overnights. Its not like Im sleeping anyways. And I could really use the money. My roof is shot. There is no fixing it, Im waiting for the day it caves in and traps me in this hell hole for good. I need to sell the house, Im two months behind on payments with no help in sight. My truck is dead, my fridge is puttering out its last attempts at cold air and Im still wearing some clothes from a decade ago. But on the bright side, there is food in the cupboards and new clean clothes on my kids. The bad side, I dont know how long the food part will last. The stomach churning part is, I look at my faithful pups who have put their lives on the line to protect me from him, and think, should I find them new homes? Someone who can afford to buy them the brand of food their health requires. Someone who could afford a vet if god forbid something happened. Makes me want to puke. They have their required shots, the pup was taken to the vet not long ago for what turned out to be nothing but still cost me a couple hundred. And I can afford to buy crappy food. I need to win the lotto- but I cant, since I dont dare waste a single dollar to buy a ticket.

So I wonder if I could manage to sell the house for enough to pay the remainder of the mortgage and perhaps have some $ left. But where would I go. Apartments go for more then I can afford around here. And the custody agreement states the kids Have to stay in this school district for five more years. My shoulders are weighted down by so much. The days are turning into nightmares too. But I will find a way. I have to. I will do whatever I can for my kids.

So Tired

I wrote a bunch, then deleted it. Im just so confused and hurt right now. I dont know what to say. I am very worried for my kids. I know the ex is breaking several parts of the custody agreement. Having people that are not allowed to be near the kids, near them. Saying negative/lies to the kids regarding me. Making the children lie about things that happen to them when they are there. Having overnight guests, and not being present at all during his visitation hours- leaving them with his family so he can go and spend time with his girlfriend instead. When I try to remind him about the custody order, he flips out. Last night I picked two of my babies up from him, they wanted home and he didnt want to deal with them. As I loaded the kids up into my vehical he reached over and rubbed my thigh. I jumped away, couldnt say anything with the kids all eyes and ears. I just drove off. Today he texted about coming over and 'taking care of me'. I said no and ignored him unless it was about the kids. Then tonight when two of the kids came back home again he was very rude, angry and threatening. He had a friend with him, a friend who gave me dirty looks and mouthed awful stuff towards me. Im just so tired of his mood swings. So tired of his games. So tired of everything.

I want tomorrow to come, so my oldest has to come home. So I can make sure all of my babies are at least physically ok. So I can then hide in the bathroom and cry over the pain my kids are going thru. Tomorrow Im going to see about making a deal with the devil. Figure of speech, but somene who I hate and who hates me in return, we both have an invested interest in beating my ex. I need help from whatever angle I can get it. I will give up my soul to keep my kids safe. And I know their father is not safe for them.

You think I still Want You?

Eventually I stopped cleaning after the kids left. I found comfort in the mess. Which is weird because messes drive me nuts. I hate not having things done. It stresses me out, always there nagging in the back of my mind that it needs to be taken care of. But I dropped the laundry and just stared at the pile that needed folding. I left the toys that were scattered across my bed and just took comfort in the mayhem my kids had created before leaving for the day. I tried to go out and do something out of my comfort zone. Be "crazy", be not "me". Im not going to talk about that yet. Still figuring things out.

Everyday I wake earlier and earlier, 4am in the norm for me now. I growl at the clock, I shouldnt be seeing 4am unless I worked on a farm again. So I left for work early and just sat downstairs waiting for 8 to come. Also had my truck die on me, thankfully I left early, I managed to run into my brother at the gas station, right when I found my truck spewing antifreeze everywheres. He did the "guy thing", popped the hood, fiddled with parts that I have no idea what they are called or do. Then announced the radiator cracked, dont drive, good luck. Gee thanks. So I continued to drive to work. Oh well. The thing can go ahead and blow up. I need to make a living. Once its dead, I guess I can just hike into town.

The last conversations I had with the ex was via text of course, I refuse to verbally speak to him. He was spouting how I can not talk to him unless it regards the kids. Really? Thats what I want, so good. He was "cold" and rude in his texts. Then there was that "I love You" the next morning. Then nothing. I refused to answer. Then today I texted my children (yes I gave them a phone so they could get ahold of me when they are with him) He was telling them to pass msgs on to me. Tell me that he loves me. Why cant he leave the kids out of "this"? Then when I told my oldest that I wouldnt be able to drop something off since my truck had broke, he obviously read it, then texted me via his phone. Offering to give me rides. I didnt respond. He then had it sent from my kids phone. I said no thanks. I really cant handle his Hot and Cold. His mood swings, or his bipolar issues.

In a perfect world what i would like is for us to get along. Be able to talk about things regarding the kids. In a friendly matter. Be able to include the other along for events that include the kids. Host birthday parties together, and other crap like that. Get along. Not hate eachother with a vengence, not see one another and want to scream. But this isnt a perfect world. And he is far from perfect. And so am I. I have so much to work on. So much to let go of. So much to fix.

What I dont understand is why he doesnt let me go. He has someone new. He can go have the life he wants to live and no one to tell him he is wrong. But he is still trying to convince me to take him back, that Im the wrong one. Life can be all fairytales and happily ever afters, if I go back to him. He acts like I can never have another life. That I wont find happiness, that I cant. That he is as good as it gets. No other guy would want me. He thinks I still want him. That what he has done is fine. That there is no way for me to do this. No way for me to walk away from him and stay away. Brings to mind a song. You just swap the lyric that says "Girl" to a "Guy" and its good to go. Practically friggin perfect. SR-71 Mosquito

You think I still want you, After all you put me through. You think I cant walk away and find someone better for me....