Nightmare

Can a nightmare kill you? I swear to god I cant handle the stress anymore. Everyday its something new, or more like just a constant go round with him. And at night its an endless replay of everything that has happened, everything that Ive seen and heard. When I finally do manage to fall asleep, Im plagued by nightmares of him taking my children. Him and his evil family doing what they have threatened and making sure I never see my babies again.

I woke up the other night to hearing one of my dogs screaming. Not a bark or a growl, but a scream of pain. My first thought was someone had broken into the house and was killing the dog as they made their way upstairs. My second thought was it was him. I grabbed a knife and ran downstairs. Fully prepared to take on whoever was hurting my puppy. Heart racing I came to a stop once I reached the living room. No one was there except one scared sleeping puppy who was having a nightmare. I woke him up and calmed him down. Is he having nightmares of that bastard too?

Im not the type of person who can function without 8 or more hours of sleep. But somehow Im making it through the days these past few months. Maybe I should find a second job, work a night shift during the time he has the kids for overnights. Its not like Im sleeping anyways. And I could really use the money. My roof is shot. There is no fixing it, Im waiting for the day it caves in and traps me in this hell hole for good. I need to sell the house, Im two months behind on payments with no help in sight. My truck is dead, my fridge is puttering out its last attempts at cold air and Im still wearing some clothes from a decade ago. But on the bright side, there is food in the cupboards and new clean clothes on my kids. The bad side, I dont know how long the food part will last. The stomach churning part is, I look at my faithful pups who have put their lives on the line to protect me from him, and think, should I find them new homes? Someone who can afford to buy them the brand of food their health requires. Someone who could afford a vet if god forbid something happened. Makes me want to puke. They have their required shots, the pup was taken to the vet not long ago for what turned out to be nothing but still cost me a couple hundred. And I can afford to buy crappy food. I need to win the lotto- but I cant, since I dont dare waste a single dollar to buy a ticket.

So I wonder if I could manage to sell the house for enough to pay the remainder of the mortgage and perhaps have some $ left. But where would I go. Apartments go for more then I can afford around here. And the custody agreement states the kids Have to stay in this school district for five more years. My shoulders are weighted down by so much. The days are turning into nightmares too. But I will find a way. I have to. I will do whatever I can for my kids.