Sunday, July 28, 2013

High Road

I feel like right now I deserve a medal. A big fat shiny one. Despite all the turmoil inside of me, despite the hate, the anger, the sadness, the hurt, the bitterness, the crushed dreams, the everything, well despite it all I am taking the higher road. At least at this moment I am. When I saw him, all I wanted to do was shout and scream, hurt him like he has hurt me. But instead I just smiled and acted like everything was right in the world as I handed over my babies. Despite the fact he was five and a half hours late! Again. The scene that just took place an hour ago was sort of like I always had hoped it would be if I had to have a situation where my children had visitation with their father since we werent together. Where we each could speak to eachother like old friends. Share needed info back and forth about the kids, smile and nod our heads and then wave goodbye without secretly throwing in the middle finger. Of course what just took place wasnt exactly like it should be. Behind my fake smile I was shaking in my boots. You cant make nearly a decade of learned behavior dissapear. I tracked his every move, watching those hands and waiting. Second guessing and studying every word he said, waiting for the bottom to drop. Everything is a game to him. Whatever way he had this planned out was not in my control. But I partially credit it going well to the fact that I kept him in front of the front door- right in line of the security camera, which records both audio and visual and has a live view to a few certain people that Ive given the passcode too.

Im getting more and more nervous in regards to him possibly trying to take off with the kids. He once again disapeared out of state for the weekend, where he was I havent a clue. I spent a good few hours looking up information on tracking devices for the kids, but none would really work. He or they could easily remove them, switch their shoes/clothes, take off jewerly. So I sat down and made not eof every birth mark, scar, freckle they each had. Took pictures of what they look like with short, long hair. And I update it as needed. And drill my phone number into their minds so if they ever were taken away and had a chance at a phone they could call me. This is an awful way to live.

To stay busy and have fun with the kiddos I began decorating their rooms with new themes. For the past few years the babies room has always been pink and brown stars. So together we took it down and I took the babies idea of a tree and began making one on the wall by the bed. The power of construction paper, scissors and tape. Its still not done but for now we are happy with it. Need to add more animals to it and perhaps make more trees around the room.

Next I need to begin on the other kiddos rooms. Another tree theme but it will be birch trees and the other one is super mario.

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