So tomorrow is the big day. No, not the one I am wishing for and need. But its a big day for the kiddos. Im taking them to their very first water park. Im hoping we all have a blast and all our worries evaporate for the day. Im looking forward to hearing their squeals of joy and watch the excitement blossom across their faces when we get there. It will be worth me overcoming my dread of being in such a crowded place and having to get into water. I havent gone swimming in fifteen years. -_- meh.
Yesterday I went out to eat and while sitting in the parking space on main street waiting for my company to arrive, my ex slowly coasted by. He then drove by again. Eventually I pushed him from my mind once I was inside and the frosted glass afforded us privacy from the outside world. I had a nice time with my mom and her boyfriend. As I walked out, lo and behold there he was again. Its been over an hour and he still kept driving by! He then sped down the street parked and ran inside a place he would not go in normally, ever. Seriously? You think I didnt see you stalking me? Your bright colored vehical is pretty hard not to spot. He succesfully has ramped up my paranoia regarding him lurking around every corner, ready to pounce on me and finally kill me for good. Every time his name flashes across my cell phone I tense. I dont want to answer his phone calls, I hate opening his text msgs. But I cant ignore him, especially when he has the kids. And even when I have the kids, if he wants to call to talk to them Im fine with that. I just dont want to have to hear his voice. Hear him begin his manipulations, hear him be hot and cold. I hate hearing the "I Love Yous". I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to fall to the ground and just beg for it all to end.
Some days I have to pretend. Pretend everything is okay. Pretend that this is how its supposed to be. But some days its harder to pretend. I feel so damn empty. But other days I can do this. I feel a spark of excitement. Life may not be what I planned it, but Im free of him and I can be happy now. I can work towards that now. Im not depressed. Im just confused. Im just working out this tangled mess that my life has become ever since I laid eyes on him all those years ago. I read today that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. And that 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce and 74% of 3rd marriages end in divorce. Doesnt give much hope for a future marriage. Just kind of confirms it for me. Dont even bother with that again. But there are things I miss. I wonder if I can ever have that again. Just being held. Having someone call/text you just to see how your day is. Playing around in the store as you try to shop, singing together and laughing at how I cant carry a tune. Talking until our eyes can not stay open any longer. So much more. You see, once upon a time he and I had good times. But they were far and few over the years and when I try to remember them its hard. The bad far outweighed any good that managed to creep in. And as I look towards my children I know I need to remember those good times that I had with their father. Because they are gonna ask for them. Ask for me to tell them stories and I dont want to have to lie. I dont like lies. So I need to dig through the pain and fear and search for the moments where he and I were the way things are supposed to be. I dont want to treasure those times, but I need to gather them up and put them in safe box that can be kept locked up until its time to bring them out. And somehow I need to do the same with the bad. I need a bulldozer to push them all into razor wire fenced off section and keep them seperate from my new life. I cant live with them in my mind at all times. I need to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I never thought Id survive and get thru this. But I am. Im getting over him.
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