Eventually I stopped cleaning after the kids left. I found comfort in the mess. Which is weird because messes drive me nuts. I hate not having things done. It stresses me out, always there nagging in the back of my mind that it needs to be taken care of. But I dropped the laundry and just stared at the pile that needed folding. I left the toys that were scattered across my bed and just took comfort in the mayhem my kids had created before leaving for the day. I tried to go out and do something out of my comfort zone. Be "crazy", be not "me". Im not going to talk about that yet. Still figuring things out.
Everyday I wake earlier and earlier, 4am in the norm for me now. I growl at the clock, I shouldnt be seeing 4am unless I worked on a farm again. So I left for work early and just sat downstairs waiting for 8 to come. Also had my truck die on me, thankfully I left early, I managed to run into my brother at the gas station, right when I found my truck spewing antifreeze everywheres. He did the "guy thing", popped the hood, fiddled with parts that I have no idea what they are called or do. Then announced the radiator cracked, dont drive, good luck. Gee thanks. So I continued to drive to work. Oh well. The thing can go ahead and blow up. I need to make a living. Once its dead, I guess I can just hike into town.
The last conversations I had with the ex was via text of course, I refuse to verbally speak to him. He was spouting how I can not talk to him unless it regards the kids. Really? Thats what I want, so good. He was "cold" and rude in his texts. Then there was that "I love You" the next morning. Then nothing. I refused to answer. Then today I texted my children (yes I gave them a phone so they could get ahold of me when they are with him) He was telling them to pass msgs on to me. Tell me that he loves me. Why cant he leave the kids out of "this"? Then when I told my oldest that I wouldnt be able to drop something off since my truck had broke, he obviously read it, then texted me via his phone. Offering to give me rides. I didnt respond. He then had it sent from my kids phone. I said no thanks. I really cant handle his Hot and Cold. His mood swings, or his bipolar issues.
In a perfect world what i would like is for us to get along. Be able to talk about things regarding the kids. In a friendly matter. Be able to include the other along for events that include the kids. Host birthday parties together, and other crap like that. Get along. Not hate eachother with a vengence, not see one another and want to scream. But this isnt a perfect world. And he is far from perfect. And so am I. I have so much to work on. So much to let go of. So much to fix.
What I dont understand is why he doesnt let me go. He has someone new. He can go have the life he wants to live and no one to tell him he is wrong. But he is still trying to convince me to take him back, that Im the wrong one. Life can be all fairytales and happily ever afters, if I go back to him. He acts like I can never have another life. That I wont find happiness, that I cant. That he is as good as it gets. No other guy would want me. He thinks I still want him. That what he has done is fine. That there is no way for me to do this. No way for me to walk away from him and stay away. Brings to mind a song. You just swap the lyric that says "Girl" to a "Guy" and its good to go. Practically friggin perfect. SR-71 Mosquito
You think I still want you, After all you put me through. You think I cant walk away and find someone better for me....
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