Understand?

When you believe your spouse is cheating on you, you feel alot of anger and pain. Even some denial. When you find out for a fact that they cheated on you, your entire world crumbles. Your beliefs in love and marriage and happily ever after are demolished. You may feel like there is no way to survive this. No way to pull yourself up out from the debri of what once was your heart, now shattered at your feet. You can lose all faith in yourself and fall into such a dark deep pit of despair. You pledged your heart and soul to that person, gave them your everything. Only to have them throw it all away, for what?! A few moments of temporary feel good sex? Was the sex even that good? Did at anytime that feeling get shaken by guilt, remorse for what they were doing? Or did they happily go on their way excited for the next time.

I get that both men and women cheat. Maybe we do it for the same reasons, maybe we do it for different reasons. But as a woman who has always remained faithful, who couldnt even bring herself to touch another man after I said, I Do, I just cant get past it. I cant wrap my mind around how someone could cheat. How they could not love their spouse. Love the family they created. And yes, that includes the children. Because if you loved your kids, you would never have done something that could endanger the family, endanger the security they need in a loving family. And cheating on a spouse endangers it all. I know people who have cheated, Ive seen it first hand. Ive been on all sides of the pond, looking in at the images that reflect back. And I still cant understand it.

I sat myself down and tried to think of the most gorgouse guy I have ever been attracted to. A guy who I would happily launch myself at if I was single. And I let myself think here for a minute, what if that guy would give me a chance at the most lustfilled sex dream possible with them. Now would I do this with them? Immediatly my brain and heart scream NO, not if I was in a relationship. If I was single, hell yea. As long as that guy was single too. Now here is the kicker. That option was handed to me not too long ago. I mean, a lusty dream come true. But I said no. Why?! What?! I told someone about this and they wanted to shake and scream and kill me for not taking the chance at "Oh my gawd, sex on stick, just his touch on your arm can make you shudder with pleasure". But I said no. Two reasons. One Im still married. Yea, so the prick cheated on me since the day we met. Our vows under God meant nothing to him. Top it off, he not only cheated on me, failed to support our family in any way, he also physically abused me. Working towards divorce isnt as easy as some people think. Lawyer wants more money then I can even pretend to try and work towards. Number two. That sinfully good looking man whos voice alone can cause nuns to throw off their habits and plead to be taken, well that man is in a relationship. Asshole. Just another dog. I gave his offer two seconds of thought. And in those two seconds every possibility flashed through my mind. Hey I even wondered if I could spike my own drink to make me give up my morals and say yes to him. But here I am. Not knowing what sex with a "god" was like.

So I guess I will go through life not ever comprehending how someone could cheat on another person. It looks like that list of I dont understands is pretty damn long for me. I dont understand how someone could physically abuse the person they claim to love. I dont understand how they could cheat, I dont understand how they could lie, how they could happily shatter every belief another person has. Dont get me wrong. Im not some lilly white innocent person. Im not "good". Im human. I make mistakes. I regret my mistakes. I sit here and think. Holy crap. I must have been an awful person in my past life, because karma has come back and kicked my ass in so many ways. But Im gonna survive this. And maybe the next go round wont be as bad. But I still wont understand how someone can hurt someone else so badly. And even though its wrong of me. I cant forgive it either.