Honesty

I have to be honest. Because Im that type of person. I cant tell a lie to save my life, and I dont like to lie to people because I know how much a lie ultimetly hurts. I have a lot of pent up emotions when it comes to my ex. Each day is different and I begin to feel different things. One thing that I hate feeling is betrayal. How he betrayed me in every way possible. What worries me the most is the fact that I feel more pain over his affairs, then I do over his abuse. Am I really that type of person? Abuse my body, but dont abuse my heart? Heck no. I dont want any of that.

I know in my head that the other women are not to blame. I mean, yes they should be held accountable for their actions, but he is the one who did it. Who even made it possible. Because if you truly loved someone, loved your family, then you wouldnt even be swayed at all by the notion of seeking another. In all the years of us being together I never so much as touched another man. Im the type of person who gives myself over completly. I can admit openly if I feel someone is attractive, but Id do the same for my own gender. I can giggle and whisper with the "girls" over some random person. But no, I wouldnt cross the line and do anything with that person. Heck you would be hard pressed to get me to go within a five feet of someone else. So its hard for me to understand how someone could cheat.

The most recent play thing of his really bothers me. Because I know that she knew we were married and living together. She took pride in being the other woman. I cant understand that. I cant wrap my mind around how a woman, especially a woman- you know the gender of our species who is supposed to nurture and care and who through time have proven to be the ones who put others first for the ultimate good of all. Well I cant understand how she would take pleasure in destroying a family. Yes I know, this family was destroyed the moment my ex decided to be the awful person he is. But does she have no morals? No shame? She was the straw to break the camels back. In her twisted mind didnt she realize, she was breaking three childrens lives apart by shamelessly luring their father to her bed. Wouldnt she have no feelings at all about how it would feel if someone did this to her? I waver back and forth between disgust and anger for her. And Pity. Thats right, I feel bad for her. Thats awful, Me the scorned woman, actually has sympathy for the woman who felt the need to actively seek out a married man and destroy a family. One moment I want to rail at her, the other I want to pray for her.

The thing is, I need to stay honest with myself. I need to accept all the feelings I have over this situation. The pain, The shame, The anger, The sadness, the everything. Because if I try to repress any of it, it will just prolong the pain. I want to move on and find comfort and joy in my life. My children bring me that, but I need to be able to find it in myself. He may have broken my heart, my body and my mind. But Im realizing that he didnt truly break my spirit. Because if he had, I wouldnt have been able to get away from him.