Speak Up

Im just so Gosh darned confused. One minute Im doing great. No regrets, fine with the way things are going, excited to begin my new life. Then the next thing I know I am just numb. So friggin sad or angry that I cant breath. I know Ive said this before a few times. But Id be lying if I never mentioned it again. Its what Im going through. And the entire point of writing and posting is for me. Not to entertain others. But for me to find a way to get past everything that has happened and learn to move on. There is a part of me that also wants to help others. I think to myself. Maybe if others see this, maybe they will think, "Hey if this poor messed up pathetic excuse of a person managed to get away and rebuild their lives, then why wouldnt I be able to."

But I really am tired of the numb feeling. I honestly sit here and have a conversation in my head. Is this normal? Am I messed up? How could I let myself become a victim, stay a victim for so long. And now just finally after all these years finally say "Ok Im done with being a victim". But at the same time have moments where I still have feelings for that man. Where I almost give in and give up on everything and just think it would be easier to let him back into my life. Let it continue as it was. Have him cheat on me all the time and lie about it. Have him not support his family in any way. And have him hurt me physically as well. I mean, holy highrises. How could I think that? How could I think I should give up like that? Thats when the old me, the girl I once was, before I let love blind me, let him twist love into something sick and deprived, well thats when the old me rears her head and slaps myself in the face, screaming at me to knock it off.

The old me. I try to think of her. She wasnt much before. I was shy, but I had learned how to build defenses and pretend to be outgoing, just so I "fit" in better. People made assumptions, and despite how wrong those assumptions were I went along with it. When all along, I was happier when I was out in the middle of the woods, laying in the grass and watching nature live. Reading a book, riding horses. Just being me. Ive always "mothered" others. From the time I could toddle it was in me to care for others and love. Thats still in me. I still want to mother others. I mother the heck out of my kiddos, but at the same time trying to learn to give them space to grow and learn on their own. But Im the type of person who will mother anyone, from a baby, a teenager to an adult. I see a need and I want to fill it. The old me who was a mother hen is also a mother bear. God save your sorry soul if you hurt someone I care for. God help you if you hurt the defenceless. But for some reason, I never protected myself.

I dont get that. Why not stand up for me? I distinctly recall instances where I came across someone hurting others. A couple months ago, a young lady was screaming at an elderly frail woman. I havent a clue what happened, but I think the old lady may have opened her door into the other girls car accidently. I flew out of my truck ran across the parking lot and the look on my face scared that girl into apologizing and driving away. I helped that sweet old lady into her car, calmed her down and made sure she was ok. But if the roles were reversed and someone was yelling at me over something like that, Id hunch my shoulders, curl up into myself and begin silently screaming. When did this start? Maybe its always been there but I hid it with a bravado I didnt know I had? I know I stood up for myself in the past. I remember confrontations with kids in highschool, with a punk on the streets. Fully prepared to scream back and let my fist fly to protect myself if need be. But ever since I met him. Well I guess he made me feel like I was nothing worth protecting. Because if I was worth something, then he wouldnt have hurt me.

I know I am worth something. Everyone is. I dont know what made me more vulnerable to being turned into a victim. Id say it was love. Finally allowing myself to love someone, only to have them take that love and use it against me. Im worth protecting. And I cant expect someone else to protect me. Its never happened in my life. So I need to learn to protect myself. Stand up for myself and believe in myself. Im doing that now. One itty bitty two steps forward and a giant step back. But Im salvaging my broken everything and learning how to use my voice to speak up for myself for a change.