Move On

Ive been struggling with trying to come to terms with things I need to do. The messed up side of me, the side that is so used to being owned and told what to do, what to think, when to do something. Well that side of me seems to be waiting for someone to come in and take charge like always. Ive always been the one to be alittle bit submissive. But before him, there were lines drawn. Things not to be crossed. I could respect peoples opinions and wishes on things, but if it wasnt what was best for me or others Id not back down, I would lead. One of my favioret family members always said I was a leader, I was not a follower. Id consider other people, looking for what was ultimetly best for all, then go from there. But now. Now I dont lead. I havent stepped up in nearly a decade. To many years of being slammed to the ground, litterly. Too many tears from the nightmare I lived.

So now I have been granted the possible means to afford the lawyer. The other day I would have grabbed that money, hitchhiked a ride with a serial killer, just to get to the lawyers office, throw down the money and demand they begin. But now, Im scared. See, there are strings attached to everything. Giving someone another means to control me just sucks. This "loan" would be held over my head for years to come, even after it was paid off by whatever means they decree. And its not just that. The financial backing comes with terms of severing nearly all rights to the kids from him. This persons hatred for him, may exceed even mine during my darkest hours. And despite what a truly horrific, awful person he is, my children love him. Im more then fine with going forward with the divorce. I want to be free of him legally.

I dont wear his ring upon my finger. But I still hold onto it. It rests upon a chain I wear on my neck along with a cross. Occasionally my fingers brush against it and in some ways I draw strength from it, in other ways it weakens me. I hold old fashioned ideals in some areas. Children outside of wedlock- not good. Sex with someone other then your husband, wrong. I know nearly no one else who has old world morals anymore. But I cant help but feel ashamed to not have a ring upon my finger, especially when in front of a man of God, or someone older then I. Divorce was never something I thought I would once do. Marriage is forever, you swear vows to God, you make a promise. And Ive always been a person to Honor my promises. But here I am now. About to throw all of that in the garbage. And why? Because I made the choice to marry a monster. But was to blind to see that before it was to late.

But its not to late now. I cant fix what happened. I cant change it, I cant go back and wish it away. But I can move on.