Debilitated

The other day I talked about flashbacks. They happen alot, ever since the abuse started years ago. I guess Ive learned to live with them, work around them in a way so I can still make it through the days. I dont like talking about things that could potentially make it hard for me to gain custody of my children. I view these "panic attacks" and whatever else they are as potential problems. But I know they are because of my ex. He did this to me. He has made it so I dont like to be touched. I shy away from people when they come near, flinch when an arm/hand is raised. Constantly waiting for a blow or cutting words. The anxiety is crushing, but I push forward because I refuse to not be what my children need me to be.

Ive connected on certain levels with some people. Trying to open up and give a little trust. On one hand I am eternally greatful to them. On the other I hate the fact that they have learned these awful things about me. And that they have opened my eyes to the fact that I do have a problem. When I listed my feelings and reactions to certain things they expressed their concerns. They mentioned something and I thought- wth, no way. I know I have panic attacks. But a friend said they were worried I may have ptsd. When she told me the symptons and other stuff about it, I realized she could be right. I sure as hell dont want this. But it explains why Im pretty much debilitated in certain situations. I freak the heck out when a man is around, especially one who has a build like my ex. I cant breath, I freeze up, I try to avoid places. I cant even get into my truck without peering into the windows first to make sure no one is hiding in the back seat. Im constantly looking around for danger. The counselor I have began seeing has brought up the looking around thing. She called it hyper something of another. When she brought it up I sat back and tried to pay attention, was I really doing that? As a shadow went by the window of her office I immediatly tracked it, pulled back in upon myself, ready to jump up and run or curl into myself. Holy crap. That asshole has turned me into more then just an empty shell of what I once was. He has made me freaking scared of a damn shadow!

So it seems I have a lot to deal with. That man sure has given me a lot of bad crap over the years. But Im thankful to him. Because without him I wouldnt have my babies. And despite how awful he was today when it came to discussing visitation, I still am thankful. He may have broken me into tiny pieces, but I guess in a way he has made me stronger then I would have been if I had never been exposed to his cruelty. I survived him. I survived these years and I got away.