Comfort Zone

I took a walk today. Of course I brought one of my dogs with me so Id feel safer. Walked through town and tried to focus on the "sights", blot out the fact that there were lots of people around. Ignore them, get used to them to a point where I wouldnt notice them. I dont know what Id do if I tried walking without a dog. When someone is behind me, my boy will alert me to it. He will lead me off to the side so I can wait till that person is in front of us. He stops me from freaking out and running into the road when something happens. He blocks me with his body, he locates the cross walks and pushes the buttons. I focus on him and how I know he will keep people out of my personal space. He reads my emotions pretty well. When I start to get more nervous he will distract me. "Mouth" my hand (nibble at it) push against my side, do a lil hop up to get into my line of sight and act a lil playful. When Ive had to much he takes the lead and finds our way back to the truck. He will circle it then look inside before we both load up. He's my smart lil cookie.

Usually I have an off putting nature when Im out and about. I dont want people to try and talk with me, but I try to smile and seem friendly- or at least not terrified or angry. Today a person tried to start a conversation with me, Kio calmy stepped inbetween us and I managed to get thru the entire experiance without hyper ventilating. I wish I could have him with me all the time. Would have came in handy the other day when at work. As I was walking into a room a guy followed me. The door is mechanical and was slowly opening, I freaked out and tried to go in faster, ended up pingponging off the door, to the door frame then into the room and stumbled to the floor. As the guy walked forward to help I proceeded to scamble up and try to wave him away as I put more space in between us. The guy clearly thought I was either a drunk or a lunatic. I really need to get a better handle on this crap. Not everyone is my ex. I can be safe.

Im still trying to figure out who I am. Or who I can be. Sorting out what my likes and dislikes are. I think I may have an idea about a few things. One thing is for sure. This is gonna be a long hard road.

High Road

I feel like right now I deserve a medal. A big fat shiny one. Despite all the turmoil inside of me, despite the hate, the anger, the sadness, the hurt, the bitterness, the crushed dreams, the everything, well despite it all I am taking the higher road. At least at this moment I am. When I saw him, all I wanted to do was shout and scream, hurt him like he has hurt me. But instead I just smiled and acted like everything was right in the world as I handed over my babies. Despite the fact he was five and a half hours late! Again. The scene that just took place an hour ago was sort of like I always had hoped it would be if I had to have a situation where my children had visitation with their father since we werent together. Where we each could speak to eachother like old friends. Share needed info back and forth about the kids, smile and nod our heads and then wave goodbye without secretly throwing in the middle finger. Of course what just took place wasnt exactly like it should be. Behind my fake smile I was shaking in my boots. You cant make nearly a decade of learned behavior dissapear. I tracked his every move, watching those hands and waiting. Second guessing and studying every word he said, waiting for the bottom to drop. Everything is a game to him. Whatever way he had this planned out was not in my control. But I partially credit it going well to the fact that I kept him in front of the front door- right in line of the security camera, which records both audio and visual and has a live view to a few certain people that Ive given the passcode too.

Im getting more and more nervous in regards to him possibly trying to take off with the kids. He once again disapeared out of state for the weekend, where he was I havent a clue. I spent a good few hours looking up information on tracking devices for the kids, but none would really work. He or they could easily remove them, switch their shoes/clothes, take off jewerly. So I sat down and made not eof every birth mark, scar, freckle they each had. Took pictures of what they look like with short, long hair. And I update it as needed. And drill my phone number into their minds so if they ever were taken away and had a chance at a phone they could call me. This is an awful way to live.

To stay busy and have fun with the kiddos I began decorating their rooms with new themes. For the past few years the babies room has always been pink and brown stars. So together we took it down and I took the babies idea of a tree and began making one on the wall by the bed. The power of construction paper, scissors and tape. Its still not done but for now we are happy with it. Need to add more animals to it and perhaps make more trees around the room.

Next I need to begin on the other kiddos rooms. Another tree theme but it will be birch trees and the other one is super mario.

The Good, The Bad

So tomorrow is the big day. No, not the one I am wishing for and need. But its a big day for the kiddos. Im taking them to their very first water park. Im hoping we all have a blast and all our worries evaporate for the day. Im looking forward to hearing their squeals of joy and watch the excitement blossom across their faces when we get there. It will be worth me overcoming my dread of being in such a crowded place and having to get into water. I havent gone swimming in fifteen years. -_- meh.

Yesterday I went out to eat and while sitting in the parking space on main street waiting for my company to arrive, my ex slowly coasted by. He then drove by again. Eventually I pushed him from my mind once I was inside and the frosted glass afforded us privacy from the outside world. I had a nice time with my mom and her boyfriend. As I walked out, lo and behold there he was again. Its been over an hour and he still kept driving by! He then sped down the street parked and ran inside a place he would not go in normally, ever. Seriously? You think I didnt see you stalking me? Your bright colored vehical is pretty hard not to spot. He succesfully has ramped up my paranoia regarding him lurking around every corner, ready to pounce on me and finally kill me for good. Every time his name flashes across my cell phone I tense. I dont want to answer his phone calls, I hate opening his text msgs. But I cant ignore him, especially when he has the kids. And even when I have the kids, if he wants to call to talk to them Im fine with that. I just dont want to have to hear his voice. Hear him begin his manipulations, hear him be hot and cold. I hate hearing the "I Love Yous". I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to fall to the ground and just beg for it all to end.

Some days I have to pretend. Pretend everything is okay. Pretend that this is how its supposed to be. But some days its harder to pretend. I feel so damn empty. But other days I can do this. I feel a spark of excitement. Life may not be what I planned it, but Im free of him and I can be happy now. I can work towards that now. Im not depressed. Im just confused. Im just working out this tangled mess that my life has become ever since I laid eyes on him all those years ago. I read today that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. And that 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce and 74% of 3rd marriages end in divorce. Doesnt give much hope for a future marriage. Just kind of confirms it for me. Dont even bother with that again. But there are things I miss. I wonder if I can ever have that again. Just being held. Having someone call/text you just to see how your day is. Playing around in the store as you try to shop, singing together and laughing at how I cant carry a tune. Talking until our eyes can not stay open any longer. So much more. You see, once upon a time he and I had good times. But they were far and few over the years and when I try to remember them its hard. The bad far outweighed any good that managed to creep in. And as I look towards my children I know I need to remember those good times that I had with their father. Because they are gonna ask for them. Ask for me to tell them stories and I dont want to have to lie. I dont like lies. So I need to dig through the pain and fear and search for the moments where he and I were the way things are supposed to be. I dont want to treasure those times, but I need to gather them up and put them in safe box that can be kept locked up until its time to bring them out. And somehow I need to do the same with the bad. I need a bulldozer to push them all into razor wire fenced off section and keep them seperate from my new life. I cant live with them in my mind at all times. I need to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I never thought Id survive and get thru this. But I am. Im getting over him.

Flee The State

The other day you would have found me in a panic. I found out he had taken one of the kids out of state, despite our child custody agreement saying we couldnt do that. Before he had done that he had acted strange, being his normal ass self, throwing in what he thinks is charm, coupled with being vague and cruel. I didnt think much of it. Little did I know just hours later he would have my oldest baby across state lines. I found out from my oldest when they came home the night they were supposed to. Outwardly I remained calm, but inward I was panicing. What was his game? What was he up to. Everyone agreed it seemed like a test, how long would it take for me to find out he took off? He and his family have connections to another country. They have been helping get a couple people into the U.S. and been helping one guy who is in prison. Needless to say we freaked out. Began filling out paperwork to make it so I would be alerted if anyone tried to get passports for the kids. Come on. We all know how easy it is to forge documents, to pay people off and work around things. So filing this paperwork doesnt make me feel any better. If anything it brings more fear, because now its real. He and his family are twisted. They honestly believe that he is some sort of messiah. They shared the story of how they learned he was coming, they swear up and down angels came to them, sat down had lunch with them and fortold her upcoming pregnancy. Why the heck didnt I run screaming in the other direction when I realized these guys were coocoo for cocoa puffs?!

I cant afford to have private investigators following him 24/7, just to insure my children are not being whisked out of the country. So every second of every day they are with him I live in fear. Will I get my babies back?! I do know that while I had the kids, he took off and was out of state for a few days. Where? Who knows. But Ive made sure the kids have been spotted at his parents house during his visit the past couple of days. This is crazy. Im at a loss.

To try and keep myself from going off the deep end, Ive been cleaning and organizing the kids rooms. Gonna head to the store and by some wall decals and redecorate and give the kids a nice surprise when they come home. Summer is flying by and pretty soon they will all be back in school. So I need to organize out little vacation trip soon and figure out how to pack three kids, three dogs and me all into the truck, with enough gear to last us an entire weekend. Hopefully we will survive it :-)

Move On

Ive been struggling with trying to come to terms with things I need to do. The messed up side of me, the side that is so used to being owned and told what to do, what to think, when to do something. Well that side of me seems to be waiting for someone to come in and take charge like always. Ive always been the one to be alittle bit submissive. But before him, there were lines drawn. Things not to be crossed. I could respect peoples opinions and wishes on things, but if it wasnt what was best for me or others Id not back down, I would lead. One of my favioret family members always said I was a leader, I was not a follower. Id consider other people, looking for what was ultimetly best for all, then go from there. But now. Now I dont lead. I havent stepped up in nearly a decade. To many years of being slammed to the ground, litterly. Too many tears from the nightmare I lived.

So now I have been granted the possible means to afford the lawyer. The other day I would have grabbed that money, hitchhiked a ride with a serial killer, just to get to the lawyers office, throw down the money and demand they begin. But now, Im scared. See, there are strings attached to everything. Giving someone another means to control me just sucks. This "loan" would be held over my head for years to come, even after it was paid off by whatever means they decree. And its not just that. The financial backing comes with terms of severing nearly all rights to the kids from him. This persons hatred for him, may exceed even mine during my darkest hours. And despite what a truly horrific, awful person he is, my children love him. Im more then fine with going forward with the divorce. I want to be free of him legally.

I dont wear his ring upon my finger. But I still hold onto it. It rests upon a chain I wear on my neck along with a cross. Occasionally my fingers brush against it and in some ways I draw strength from it, in other ways it weakens me. I hold old fashioned ideals in some areas. Children outside of wedlock- not good. Sex with someone other then your husband, wrong. I know nearly no one else who has old world morals anymore. But I cant help but feel ashamed to not have a ring upon my finger, especially when in front of a man of God, or someone older then I. Divorce was never something I thought I would once do. Marriage is forever, you swear vows to God, you make a promise. And Ive always been a person to Honor my promises. But here I am now. About to throw all of that in the garbage. And why? Because I made the choice to marry a monster. But was to blind to see that before it was to late.

But its not to late now. I cant fix what happened. I cant change it, I cant go back and wish it away. But I can move on.

Understand?

When you believe your spouse is cheating on you, you feel alot of anger and pain. Even some denial. When you find out for a fact that they cheated on you, your entire world crumbles. Your beliefs in love and marriage and happily ever after are demolished. You may feel like there is no way to survive this. No way to pull yourself up out from the debri of what once was your heart, now shattered at your feet. You can lose all faith in yourself and fall into such a dark deep pit of despair. You pledged your heart and soul to that person, gave them your everything. Only to have them throw it all away, for what?! A few moments of temporary feel good sex? Was the sex even that good? Did at anytime that feeling get shaken by guilt, remorse for what they were doing? Or did they happily go on their way excited for the next time.

I get that both men and women cheat. Maybe we do it for the same reasons, maybe we do it for different reasons. But as a woman who has always remained faithful, who couldnt even bring herself to touch another man after I said, I Do, I just cant get past it. I cant wrap my mind around how someone could cheat. How they could not love their spouse. Love the family they created. And yes, that includes the children. Because if you loved your kids, you would never have done something that could endanger the family, endanger the security they need in a loving family. And cheating on a spouse endangers it all. I know people who have cheated, Ive seen it first hand. Ive been on all sides of the pond, looking in at the images that reflect back. And I still cant understand it.

I sat myself down and tried to think of the most gorgouse guy I have ever been attracted to. A guy who I would happily launch myself at if I was single. And I let myself think here for a minute, what if that guy would give me a chance at the most lustfilled sex dream possible with them. Now would I do this with them? Immediatly my brain and heart scream NO, not if I was in a relationship. If I was single, hell yea. As long as that guy was single too. Now here is the kicker. That option was handed to me not too long ago. I mean, a lusty dream come true. But I said no. Why?! What?! I told someone about this and they wanted to shake and scream and kill me for not taking the chance at "Oh my gawd, sex on stick, just his touch on your arm can make you shudder with pleasure". But I said no. Two reasons. One Im still married. Yea, so the prick cheated on me since the day we met. Our vows under God meant nothing to him. Top it off, he not only cheated on me, failed to support our family in any way, he also physically abused me. Working towards divorce isnt as easy as some people think. Lawyer wants more money then I can even pretend to try and work towards. Number two. That sinfully good looking man whos voice alone can cause nuns to throw off their habits and plead to be taken, well that man is in a relationship. Asshole. Just another dog. I gave his offer two seconds of thought. And in those two seconds every possibility flashed through my mind. Hey I even wondered if I could spike my own drink to make me give up my morals and say yes to him. But here I am. Not knowing what sex with a "god" was like.

So I guess I will go through life not ever comprehending how someone could cheat on another person. It looks like that list of I dont understands is pretty damn long for me. I dont understand how someone could physically abuse the person they claim to love. I dont understand how they could cheat, I dont understand how they could lie, how they could happily shatter every belief another person has. Dont get me wrong. Im not some lilly white innocent person. Im not "good". Im human. I make mistakes. I regret my mistakes. I sit here and think. Holy crap. I must have been an awful person in my past life, because karma has come back and kicked my ass in so many ways. But Im gonna survive this. And maybe the next go round wont be as bad. But I still wont understand how someone can hurt someone else so badly. And even though its wrong of me. I cant forgive it either.

Speak Up

Im just so Gosh darned confused. One minute Im doing great. No regrets, fine with the way things are going, excited to begin my new life. Then the next thing I know I am just numb. So friggin sad or angry that I cant breath. I know Ive said this before a few times. But Id be lying if I never mentioned it again. Its what Im going through. And the entire point of writing and posting is for me. Not to entertain others. But for me to find a way to get past everything that has happened and learn to move on. There is a part of me that also wants to help others. I think to myself. Maybe if others see this, maybe they will think, "Hey if this poor messed up pathetic excuse of a person managed to get away and rebuild their lives, then why wouldnt I be able to."

But I really am tired of the numb feeling. I honestly sit here and have a conversation in my head. Is this normal? Am I messed up? How could I let myself become a victim, stay a victim for so long. And now just finally after all these years finally say "Ok Im done with being a victim". But at the same time have moments where I still have feelings for that man. Where I almost give in and give up on everything and just think it would be easier to let him back into my life. Let it continue as it was. Have him cheat on me all the time and lie about it. Have him not support his family in any way. And have him hurt me physically as well. I mean, holy highrises. How could I think that? How could I think I should give up like that? Thats when the old me, the girl I once was, before I let love blind me, let him twist love into something sick and deprived, well thats when the old me rears her head and slaps myself in the face, screaming at me to knock it off.

The old me. I try to think of her. She wasnt much before. I was shy, but I had learned how to build defenses and pretend to be outgoing, just so I "fit" in better. People made assumptions, and despite how wrong those assumptions were I went along with it. When all along, I was happier when I was out in the middle of the woods, laying in the grass and watching nature live. Reading a book, riding horses. Just being me. Ive always "mothered" others. From the time I could toddle it was in me to care for others and love. Thats still in me. I still want to mother others. I mother the heck out of my kiddos, but at the same time trying to learn to give them space to grow and learn on their own. But Im the type of person who will mother anyone, from a baby, a teenager to an adult. I see a need and I want to fill it. The old me who was a mother hen is also a mother bear. God save your sorry soul if you hurt someone I care for. God help you if you hurt the defenceless. But for some reason, I never protected myself.

I dont get that. Why not stand up for me? I distinctly recall instances where I came across someone hurting others. A couple months ago, a young lady was screaming at an elderly frail woman. I havent a clue what happened, but I think the old lady may have opened her door into the other girls car accidently. I flew out of my truck ran across the parking lot and the look on my face scared that girl into apologizing and driving away. I helped that sweet old lady into her car, calmed her down and made sure she was ok. But if the roles were reversed and someone was yelling at me over something like that, Id hunch my shoulders, curl up into myself and begin silently screaming. When did this start? Maybe its always been there but I hid it with a bravado I didnt know I had? I know I stood up for myself in the past. I remember confrontations with kids in highschool, with a punk on the streets. Fully prepared to scream back and let my fist fly to protect myself if need be. But ever since I met him. Well I guess he made me feel like I was nothing worth protecting. Because if I was worth something, then he wouldnt have hurt me.

I know I am worth something. Everyone is. I dont know what made me more vulnerable to being turned into a victim. Id say it was love. Finally allowing myself to love someone, only to have them take that love and use it against me. Im worth protecting. And I cant expect someone else to protect me. Its never happened in my life. So I need to learn to protect myself. Stand up for myself and believe in myself. Im doing that now. One itty bitty two steps forward and a giant step back. But Im salvaging my broken everything and learning how to use my voice to speak up for myself for a change.